WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 9

[confusedinpa]

PMA_Baby!

Thanks the encouraging feedback. The ironic part when these conversations go this way, I always feel they didn't go well and when I thought that the conversations went well, all the 2x4's come out. I'm still trying to figure it out, but I appreciate you sharing your insight. Thanks

She then started gripping about how the kids are really acting up at her place, last nite in particular. I almost said can you blame them considering how she turned their lives upside down. I just empathized with her.

Again. Nice job. You VALIDATED and EMPATHIZED, but this where the tough love comes in. She asked for THIS and THIS is all part of tearing a home apart. Wake up WAW!!!

So do you think that next time I should actually say "Can you blame them considering how their lives have been turned upside down" instead of just thinking it? She was pretty heated already, so I didn't say it because I thought it would just cause an escalation (plus I'm still waiting for my lawyer to draft up the child support stipulation that I need her to sign....)

Part of why your in this mess is because she as ALL WAS's do; she LOST RESPECT for YOU. Setting YOUR BOUNDARIES will HELP gain back that RESPECT. Not at first, but EVENTUALLY. At first she will just think YOU'RE being MEAN, but if you are CONSISTENT she will LEARN to RESPECT it. If not that is when you have to question is she the type of person you want by your side anyway. Is SHE STRONG enough to do the WORK???

She actually said that she doesn't respect me. She dropped that bomb about 4 weeks before she moved out when we were discussing child custody arrangements. This one has been nagging me because I don't know how to approach the "earning back the respect". I had grown up in Brooklyn, so I know how to earn it back via Brooklyn style, but I don't think that will work in this case....

I have been working on defining/setting my boundaries but it's surprisingly hard. My therapist has been pushing me on this, everyone here has as well. I've been reading books on it and have joined a small group at church that discusses setting boundaries (that one revolves around the book Boundaries by Townsend). No one would have ever guessed that I would have a problem setting boundaries. At work and growing up, that has never been an issue. With my wife, I don't understand why I'm struggling.....

Maybe for a GAL DB roadtrip

Just make sure it's on Sun - Tues as I will have my boys on the other days!

Thanks again for checking up on me to keep me on the path....