< -I forgive him for being human and making mistakes. fb2 please, listen to me. K, I'm listening. Forgiveness is actually not that simple; its extremely difficult; I for one cannot yet forgive my W and maybe never will. The fact that you are still at 50% commitment says you are holding back a lot. The very thought of the OW throws you off balance. Its clear H is still walking on eggshells even tho' you say he's "comfortable". He still denies the OW and is not comfortable telling you everything, why? Because forgiveness requires him to be confident that you are at 100% and that's a huge step for you to take. Will he take you for granted after that and will the cycle repeat? Maybe, maybe not.
Family of origin creates all kinds of troublesome behavior patterns. All of us have to face it. My parents R was exactly like your parents - mom was dominating, dad strong and gentle - but the M was on solid ground overall. And a lot of how I turned out is based on them. My W's parents were totally messed up. That explains a lot. But that's the way it is with most families. You have the ability and the opportunity to conquer all this if you put some positive energy into it. Yes, you are working hard, you've done so much but ... you are still at 50% and key is you have the opportunity in your hands to remedy the 'sitch'. Any idea what the alternative feels like?
Well, what do I know, my thoughts are worth less than 2 cents but I'm concerned for you.
Ok gang, I just want to interject something real quick as I see the same exact conversation going on over and over again.
Kalni is basically one after dinner mint away from being a WAW herself. Read all of this stuff she writes and it will be very clear to you. She has stuck with this a lot longer than most women would.
I think we are past the basic DB101 stuff here. She has DBed in the past, gotten things to where she can see some clarity of what the situation is. Now it is a matter of figuring out how to "fish or cut bait".
35 threads to go now. Seems to me you simply have to make a decision and stick to it. Personally I don't understand how you stay on the merry go round when the view is the same no matter when you open your eyes on the ride. Me, i would get off the merry go round and let him ride it alone until he gets himself together enough to decide if he wants to be the husband you need or not.
I just don't know how long you are supposed to go on without the simple things that you are missing. I also wonder if it may be time for you to talk with one of the DB coaches here and figure out if there is some other tact that you may want to take. You are getting the same advice over and over again here Maria, maybe a fresh perspective would help.
One last thing and then I will back off. When you get involved in the game that you are currently playing in your marriage and neither party (yourself included here) have their hearts 100% in it, it just isn't going to progress. You either commit to the game and give it your all or you get off the field until your heart is back in it.
Ian, I like you a lot. I am imrpoving my English here. That's for sure. You are right. No matter how I look at it, I see the same view. I have asked him if he can committ to me. I am requesting his answer or process of thoughts on this this weekend. K
Jeff, Rob, fb2, Kerry, girls, I hope you all have a nice day...
My divorce lawyer when speaking to ex's said she was convinced that I didn't now how to 'pull the trigger'. As you know, ex was very clear that it was over, finito, living with another woman, now Mrs. ex, and spending minimal time with the kids. Looking back now, I wonder why it took me so long. In the end the fear of ex bankrupting us made my decision. He had to do everything in his power to convince me to let go.
What did I hold onto? My belief in our vows, my belief in our family, my belief in the basis of our love and what pulled us together, my sense of security, my denial that this was actually happening, true.
Your rollercoaster has changed to a merry-go-round. Do you go for the brass ring, keep riding or get off the ride? No decision becomes a decision in and of itself.
And the great thing about choosing an action is that the momentum allows change.. to grow, to assess and decide if you're going in the right direction. Staying stuck keeps you right where you are.
H surprised me said he wanted to come over last night. He did and we had a normal day today with the kids. The only moment of any kind of intimacy was a kiss on my shoulder when he woke up at 12 (noon) and found me in the kitchen cooking. That was it.
He fixed my veranda chairs, took us out for shopping (for the kids-I paid, lol) came with me for groceries shopping. His phone is left on our kitchen counter top, his bag also, he gave me his wallet to carry in my handbag and he brought clothes to come with us at my cousin's daughter's christening. I think he thinks we are actually piecing and doing good too.
Everytime I am pulling away, he acts like we are family again. On the weekends of course.
As I type this he is sleeping in our bed with both our kids with him so there is actually no room for me there. I think I am sleeping in one of the bank beds. Anyway, hope you all had a good Sat. K
On a different note, I get hit on my other FB account with my real name by men that sent the same little paragraph "HI there, I'll be honest with you, I am married and looking for some discreet fun. If you are up to it this is my mail.... a$$h*le@yahoo.gr"
They are young men age 35-45, good looking and obvioulsy totally f@cked up in the head.
Amazing huh? People are nuts. I am tempted to find the real names and talk to their wives. K
