Yesterday I posted the signed divorce papers to court... so I think its time for an update!
I've missed you guys, but needed a break from the board.
So I went to Indonesia at Christmas, had a fab time. With a break from H and his on again - off again behaviour I guess I got clearer about the type of relationship that I wanted. I decided that I wasnt going to have much contact with H on my return, but when I got home there were text message, and emails and phone calls in the first few days. I actually ignored a few of them, but in the end returned one of his calls and we agreed to catch up. I guess at this point because he is acting so keen to see me, I thought that maybe he had decided he would like to make more of an effort to reconcile our marriage.
But on the actual day of the meeting, it was a bit awkward - he was strained and not very open, and as soon as we had finished discussing really light topics he said he had to go. But I thought blow DB-ing I just want to know where I stand. I asked him what his plans for the year were - and from what he described I definitely wasn't part of the plans. He had previously asked me if I wanted to go to NZ with him this year for a family reunion, but it was clear in this conversation that I was no longer invited. Anyway at the end of this I asked if he was ready to file for divorce. (HA HA HA!! I'm just thinking of the startled look in his face! Like PANIC, and trying to get out of there as quickly as possible.) Then he tells me that he loves me and he doesnt want to get divorced. I'm cool and calm and OK with it. Then right as he is about to get into the car he says that he has been seeing someone else but he's not sure what to do. And in a blinding flash everything became clear! I'm the back-up girl and Plan B. And I definitely dont want to be that, and I'm not happy to just keep waiting indefinitely.
Anyway H left, and I crumpled into a mess of tears, and then decided I just wanted to make sure that we werent making a decision that either of us would regret... So we met up again later that night, and I asked him to chose between seeing me with the view to repairing our relationship or getting a divorce. He was very clear that he didnt want to have a relationship with me, and said that he would organise the divorce.
I was a bit devastated (for about 2 days). Mostly cause I could see he was in his MLC fog - couldnt recall previous conversations that we had. I asked him if at any stage in the last year he had thought about reconciling the marriage - and he said no. When I asked him about the time that he had said that he loved me and wanted to date me, he just looked shocked and couldnt recall it. (WTF!?!? Ha) All the time he is telling me he loves me - so clearly he is still confused. But CLEARLY I'm over that!!
So I waited a few months for him to sort out the divorce. We had no contact - for my 30th birthday he sent me a text message a day late.
Then I started getting emails and phone messages - just to say hi - and that he misses me. And I know that he is probably sad and that he is looking for me to prop him up. But I'm also really clear that the same thing will happen all over again - I will always be plan B when things arent going well for him. And lifes too short for that!
So then I decided that it was time to file. In Australia the easiest and nicest way is to file jointly. So I organised all the paperwork, and filled it all in and sent it to him
He wrote me a massively long email the day that he got the papers, apologisng for everything. Still saying that he loves me, but I guess also acknowledging that its over. He actually sent the email to an email address that doesnt work properly, and I didnt get it until 3 weeks later. Once I read it I didnt feel any need to respond - I had already said everything that I wanted to say, and there is no point telling each other that we love each other but dont want to be married anymore!
About a month later he finally returned the divorce papers to me, with a copy of the email (I guess he was expecting some sort of response from me). We have talked and emailed a few times since about practical things that need to be sorted out. He wants to know how I am - but I have zero desire to be friends with him anymore, I have lots of really lovely friends that are actually nice to me and looking out for me, and H isnt able to do that - its funny how everything changed emotionally for me since that day we had that conversation and I realised he would always just use me when it suits him.
I feel nothing when I think about him, not sadness or anger or regret or love or anything... its just blank! Its good, but a little weird after being married to him! I only want to know if he is alive or not.
So I've also been meeting some lovely new people, including a few really nice guys. And the difference between how interested they are in me and how interested H was in me is HUGE! I think when a guy likes you its pretty obvious! SO I have a mini crush on one really sweet guy - its so nice to have that glimmer of possibility about a new relationship.
Did anyone see "He's just not that into you" movie? I did and depressingly saw myself in the wife of the husband who is having an affair. I know its simplified and in real life relationships are incredibly complicated, but I do regret seeing 'baby steps' with H, when they werent actually there. Well no more! Next time around I'm only going to love someone who is making huge giant strides towards me!
So my social life is going great. I've joined the gym. Am going skiing in NZ in a few months time with a great group of new friends. Work is busy. Life is good!
Thank you all for journeying with me. Its honestly been the best and worst experience!
I wish you all happiness and love! We all deserve it hey?
