Well I guess I took a step back. I was going to try and just detach and not have any line of communication with my W but I found myself behind her car on the way home from a doctor's appointment yesterday. I was behind her long enough that I thought she was going to the house, so I was not actually following her, I was just going home. Well once we got to our street, she kept straight and I never blew the horn or called on my cell or nothing. So once I got home, I asked myself is this really what 11 years with someone has come to? I guess in the moment, I felt like I knew she seen me behind her and it just bugged me all day that neither of us made a step. That is a bad trait of mine I'll analyze something to death. I finally sent her a txt somewhere around 12am just joking that I was behind her it's a small city etc. She of course never responded. I just started convincing myself that maybe it was not her or that maybe she did not see me. From the doctor's appointment I am talking about, I found out I need to have surgery and for the life of me why I don't know but I keep listing my W as my emergency contact. She is not here and she definitely won't be there with me or for me. I have just built my life around her to where it feels like I have lost some of my identity now that we are in this sitch. It so scary having to question every move you make wondering if it's going to be a plus or a minus. I just prayed about it and I have a better PMA today. One day at a time.
I think deep in my heart I don't want a D, nor does my W. Maybe that's why she has not come to get her stuff or done anything with the paperwork. Which might I add was not my intention. My MC thought I needed to do something to get her attention since this was my Ws' way of dealing with issues; leaving. Now 10-11 months after I don't really recall an issue. Just so happens that the lawyer he referred me to I guess talked me past a legal separation to a dissolution based on how bad the course of a D would go from a financial standpoint. Our last separation lasted maybe close to 2 months and we were reconciling by the 2-3 week. There was a major issue at that time. I do remember that one. This time is drastically different, we've barely talked or anything. I have not even touched her in close to a year, no hug; no kiss no physical contact at all on any level. I'm hurt and sad about that b/c if my W came home now she would offer me nothing. She would not explain herself no further than that she needed some time. I would get nothing else and that bothers me and I know that if it occurred would make it extremely difficult for me to move forward. She has told me in the past that she did not have to try at the M. Her coming back or staying was her trying.
