my story... finally

[futureunknown]

Thank you Coach for jumping on here. I can see opinions here are as conflicted as in my own head! I'm really stuck as you can tell, and I think I could be at a crucial point. The fact that she agreed to have dinner with me after we had a big argument is important, I think. Although arguments can be damaging, at least there's some emotion between us.

1. She wants to point out what she is needing.
2. She wants you to man up - she won't bring it up, you won't ask and it very much is your business.

I agree with you. It's time this came out in the open. It doesn't have anything to do with validating what she did. It has to do with her wanting me to KNOW her.

3. I think she wants you to stand up for her. Set some boundaries and tell her that she is your W and that you want her to start acting that way. (This is you acting like a H.)

If this is true, it's definitely not at the surface. Maybe deep down she'd have respect for this declaration.

4. You can show her what she is missing without pursuing.

I mostly agree with this too. Pursuing or chasing implies I'm trying to catch her. I just need to declare to her my truth and make it clear I'll thrive regardless of what happens between us.

"Me I'm not grieving, I am working on becoming the best FutUnk I can. I realised some of my mistakes and am working on them for myself. If you give me the chance I will be the man you need."

Don't agree with her! Show her you are growing, thriving and living thru this stressful, difficult and painful period. Don't match her moods this is a opportunity to lead. You can handle it.

I agree, my simple response was insufficient. Fortunately, everything else I've done since our separation began, and even before that, gives the right message loud and clear. I haven't shown her my grieving. She's seen me be strong, and grab life by the horns. I think her respect for me is higher now than it has been in many years.

My gut tells me I need to fight for her. Me just validating my failures in our M is not enough. She's going to need to see me act in a fundamentally different way toward her, and I want to. I've been wanting to for years, but our M was stuck in an endless cycle of resentment, until this A and separation blasted it to smithereens. I have already shown her a very different side of me. She already commented that she likes how I'm changing. That's what's been working. I need to keep that up, and step it up. Will she get an ego boost that she has two men wanting her? Probably, but why does that bother me? My pride will be far more satisfied knowing that I did everything I could to save my M, rather than go dark and act like "If you don't want me, fine, I don't want you or need you either." That's been my attitude so far.

She hates that we are separated. Deep down she hates that she's having this A. She hates that our kids now split time between us. I need to show her a way out.