K, You got to the bomb in baby-steps. That's how Earthquakes happen - the stress builds up a little at a time, until one day ... snap. And you have spent most of your time here fighting yourself. You simply have to ask yourself: are you 100% committed to your marriage and family? In which case all your dreams and feelings that come and go will take a back seat. That's the "love decision" you have to take - if your answer is no then you (precious K) are drifting towards the affairs, WAWs, MLCers, etc. I know you are fighting yourself trying to make that choice. To me it is a clear choice. You simply cannot have it BOTH ways. So John is asking the right questions and thank God you still have the opportunity to choose the right answer.
Hmmm Rob, somehow, I think John's idea wouldnt work with me...
Anyway, H called once today (I called him yesterday twice and the day before and didnt today). He is "warm" and soft and asks me how I am and if I have any news. When I say nothing, he repeats, "and you?" making sure I understand he is asking about me personally. For some reason, although nothing big, it strikes me as weird. He has done it 3-4 times now.
Today he said this dinosaur park in Thessaloniki is open and it is supposed to be good and his friend living there told him we should take our son. He didnt suggest anything and I didnt volunteered. If he wants us to go, he should USE his damn tongue (hmmm that sounded funny).
I am still friendly, easy going etc.
fb2, I am 100% committed to my family which for the last 2 years does NOT include H because HE chose to go after his...whatever. I am 1000% committed to my family of 3 and that's why I am still here. End of story.
I am not 100% committed to my M with H. Not even 50%.
There is no ONE right answer to the question. I will have MY one right answer. Soon. Very soon. And I agree, it is clear. Why am I fighting it? K
< I am 100% committed to my family which for the last 2 years does NOT include H because HE chose to go after his...whatever. I am 1000% committed to my family of 3 and that's why I am still here. End of story. H is part of your family. You are still angry; you have not forgiven him tho' he is back. You have to get beyond this. And the story does not end any time soon.
< I am not 100% committed to my M with H. Not even 50%. Anything less that 100% is no use.
I agree - taking on a lover would just make you feel extreme guilt in the end. Not what you need right now. But I never understood the trip to New York.
Your H is trying in his own way. From an outsiders perspective, it just seems like we could just duct tape the two of you together for a day and everything would work out. I know it is much deeper than that though. Maybe you are over-thinking too much and your expectations are too high.
What kind of relationship did his parents have? Was his father distant or lacking in affection towards his mother.
-I had this discussion with MC in front of H. She finally convinced me that H and me ARE family for the kids but she agreed that H is not my family and I am NOT his anymore.
-I forgive him for being human and making mistakes. fb2 please, listen to me.
-Then we agree. It is no use.
Kerry, I was only joking about the lover. The trip to NY?
C said H is ruled by the kind o relationship his parents had, he has been duplicating what they had because he thought it was a good relationship. Lately he realised, that it wasnt so harmonious. His father was avoidant. He would prefer not to share with his wife anything that could create any kind of "trouble" than talk it out with her. He worked a lot,( also a journalist), he was not much around as they grew up (H told me acouple of times "what's wrong with me not seeing the kids much, I never saw my dad and I grew up fine" yeah right!!!) , and H's uncle had taken over many of his roles as a father to H, his sister and as a friend for my MiL. My FiL ended up resenting the love they all had for that uncle and never realised it was because he was "there" for them.
This year H rejected his parents M in its bigger part and their role model of a R. That was when he cried during IC when he realised how messed up the whole sitch was and how he chose to ignore that fact and actually recreate it with me. Now if you add my parents model of an R in the equation (MC said VERY healthy although my mom is controlling my dad has been leading all the yars in a very quiet way) you can see how differently we had envisioned our marriage.
He is "warm" and soft and asks me how I am and if I have any news. When I say nothing, he repeats, "and you?" making sure I understand he is asking about me personally. For some reason, although nothing big, it strikes me as weird. He has done it 3-4 times now.
This is a little interesting. It almost sounds like he cares. I think, that if you can do it, when he does this you might want to try to mirror him. Maybe try to be a little bit "warm" and soft back. It is possible (I'm suffereing from wishful thinking) that he is testing the waters a bit, and is afraid to do any more than that without a little bit of a positive response on your part. Nothing big, just enough that he can feel comfortable warming up a little more?
Quote:
Today he said this dinosaur park in Thessaloniki is open and it is supposed to be good and his friend living there told him we should take our son. He didnt suggest anything and I didnt volunteered. If he wants us to go, he should USE his damn tongue (hmmm that sounded funny).
Maybe you could give him a little opening here. Ask him if he would like to go. Make him actually say he wants to go, but give him an opening.
Quote:
I am not 100% committed to my M with H. Not even 50%.
There is no ONE right answer to the question. I will have MY one right answer. Soon. Very soon. And I agree, it is clear. Why am I fighting it? K
There isn't one right answer. I agree with that. I'm feeling that you are waiting for H to give an indication of if he is in or out. Probably based on what he does with his jobs. If he shows that he wants to be in, I still think you will commit 100%. If not, well..... At some point it takes two.
If your H modeled his M after his father's M, do you have fears that your S may someday have the same attitude?
Some men are too career oriented. I can think of 2 American frontiersmen - Daniel Boone and Davy Crockett that would periodically abandon their family to pursue adventure. It has been said that Daniel Boone's wife of 57 years once thought him dead and developed a relationship with his brother which resulted in a birth of a daughter. Upon his return, his wife said "You'd had better have stayed home and got it yourself.". Boone was understanding and did not blame her. Whatever the truth of the tale, Boone raised the daughter as his own and favorite child.
Can you accept that your H's work is in his blood and takes much of his time?
I think Kerry has a good question here. Your H may not be able to cure his working fixation, so can you live w/it? If not, then you know where you are (also, I love the history references, my man).
Jeff also feels you could give 100% if your H gave you a sign of some sort that he was in completely as well. I agree w/this too.
Jeff also wonders if you can try to be "warmer" w/H as he's trying to be w/you. I too like this suggestion, but am unsure if you are able or willing to pull it off.
Not a criticism, just an observation. If it isn't something you can do, then that too should be revealing a lot to you, my friend.
