Looking backward but only to move forward SEVEN

[sage]

Oh, ugh, things not going great here. Had a big old fight with h this am and while I am demoralized and quite bummed, I suppose I did glean some information that could be used in DB'ing.

Here's what I learned:

1. h thinks I purposefully don't answer questions and/or that I withhold information from him in order to make a "point". I wasn't actually doing that this AM (well, not consciously) but I will admit that there are times when I am exasperated by his expecting me to have information that he "should" have.

Him (standing at the fridge with the door open): where is the XYZ?

Me (from 3 rooms away): Um, how would I know that?

Truth be told, I feel taken for granted -- that he assumes that I should keep track of everything for the whole *&^% family and I feel like he just doesn't appreciate it.

But. Sigh. That isn't the way to change this situation.

Goal: Respond to h's questions in a positive, and complete way. Answer what he asks (don't interpret).

2. h thinks that if he snaps at me that it's because I must have done something to "deserve" it (IOW, he never just "snaps" at me for no good reason).

Really? Really? Guess what pal...you snap at me ALL THE TIME...especially lately and I'm tired (as I told you this AM) of bearing the brunt of your bad moods.

But. Sigh. That isn't the way to change this situation.

Goal: Stop personalizing my perception of h's "mood" and responses to me. Let perceived slights roll off of me. Stop reacting negatively to him. Be less sensitive. Act "as if".

3. H thinks I don't support his dreams of having his own business. It's "always about money" with me, according to him.

Oh. My. God. Please go back to 2002 and remind yourself about the 4 years of not working (including 1 just pulling yourself together) and the 3 years (read: $$) of FT law school. I am proud of you and have done a lot (!!) to support and stand beside you as you followed your dreams. What I am reacting to NOW is a cash flow problem. And a lack of planning problem. And a "how will this work?" problem. And a "how about a few more details before you quit your *&&^% job" problem.

But. Sigh. That isn't the way to change this situation.

Goal: Listen to h's dreams of his own business with an open mind. Do NOT give into the knee jerk reaction of "that won't work because"....let him talk it through, get excited with him.

4. h is thoroughly NOT interested in "fixing" anything right now. He is interested in sleep, tv, sports, relaxation, diet soda, playing baseball, Charlotte, and a bunch of other things but he is NOT interested in me, appreciating me, spending time with me, kissing me goodbye before he leaves the house, etc. etc.

But. Sigh. That isn't the way to change this situation.

Goal: Amp up the appreciation of h and the quality time together (in a quiet way). Stop trying to control him...if he wants to kiss you goodbye, he will. Be open. Be warm. Think good thoughts.

Other goals:

Goal: Diet/exercise to lose weight/get fit

Continued success here. I haven't lost much more weight (still about 5lbs to go) but I've been doing WW and exercising and feel very good. I am remotivated to lose the final 5.

STOP talking

Still not so good. I'm trying to shut up, to listen more, to keep out of h's and Charlotte's relationship. Better, but not good enough.

START cleaning

I suck at this. Not good. I did do a bunch of yard work this weekend....

Focus on small behavior changes that will have a large impact on relationship with h:
a. LISTEN MORE. SHUT UP. STOP TALKING! This will entail my getting back to my habit of saying about 50% of what I want to say. Especially off limits are comments on h's relationship with DD, negative/sarcastic comments about anything, leading/questioning comments.

b. FOCUS on h when I am with him. Make him, listening to him, relating to him, being with him a priority.

c. STOP scorekeeping. If I need a break, ask for it. STOP making out schedules in my head that show how much I'm doing vs how much he does.

d. Make time for in-house dates (we're doing well with dates outside of the house!). This could have a HUGE impact if I would find some time to make a special meal, suggest watching a show he's interested in, etc.

e. Start meditating again. I KNOW this helps me with anger and cluttered thinking...why aren't I doing it?

Much room for improvement.

I can do this.

Sage