YOU are an adult and NO ONE is permitted to speak to you in a demeaning manner AND that includes your MLC H.
As you said, spouses become the primary target of MLCer's angst and anger BUT that doesn't mean WE have to stand there and take it.
They say one of the things our WASs want us to do is show some backbone and independance of them. Partly I guess because in their minds they believe they were drowning in responsibility to us for which they were not being acknowledged (Patted on the back constantly etc).
It sounds like your H needs put in his place. Do NOT allow your H to call you names. The next time he calls you and idiot or in any way demeans you, ORDER him out of your HOME. Do it calmly, simply say, "H, I will NOT allow you to speak to me in that manner EVER again. Please leave NOW, and the next time I see you DO NOT make the mistake of speaking like that to me again for any reason." And go to the door, hold it open for him without another word and let him leave.
DO NOT allow yourself to be his whipping post. Standing your ground will not scare him off for good believe me. But YOU must begin setting your personal boundaries with him AND you have to be firm about them.
When he accuses you of ANYTHING, ignore him DO NOT feed into his remards with any response, he is ONLY trying to get a rise out of you, just like a child.
The next time he calls to say he's coming over, you could say, "Alright H, I look forward to seeing you BUT before you come, I want to warn you, that if you speak to me or act towards me in a disrespectful manner while you're here, you will immediately be asked to leave. I want very much to spend time with you BUT NOT at the expense of my self esteem."
I NEVER allowed any disrespectful comments or undeserved anger directed at me by my H go unchallenged. I immediately called him on those things. Several times I'd say to him, "Don't be mad at me. Your problem is in the mirror, not in ME." I always threw it back in his lap and I did it calmly and firmly. AND it worked.
Just a thought.
T2
