it's so hard to get where SP is because I think the PA makes it so much harder for a guy to get there...
Do you understand why it's harder to get there?
Coach,
Good question... I don't know that I do, but does it matter? I don't mean that in a "smart a$s" way, but in a way, as a good friend of mine likes to say: "It is what it is."
That is, circling back to and paraphrasing JKL's thoughts, does it really matter why it's harder to get there if you agree it is the "better place to be" and should be the "goal"?
From that perspective, isn't figuring out how to get the PA (some writers, I think Shirley Glass might have been the one, liken what the LBS of a WAS who has had a PA to post-traumatic stress) to keep from overwhelming the "goal" more important than understanding why it's so hard?
Or, are you saying that in order to conquer it, you have to understand it first, which, per my first words, I admittedly do not...
-AlexEN
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
Or, are you saying that in order to conquer it, you have to understand it first, which, per my first words, I admittedly do not...
Yes, why do you feel that way? The process is the same, I just believe there are more emotions to feel and heal. The emotions are negative. They are real and valid. After a while they become unproductive and need to be dealt with in a healthy way. You reach a point when you realise you are only in control of yourself - thoughts, feelings and actions. Anger, frustration, guilt, and shame all cloud our perception. It's normal to feel those things when you get the bomb dropped on you. Time, thinking, praying and doing all help heal that wound. Love is the opposite of fear, the people I have seen here make the most progress dealt with their fears and started acting out of true love. That's the work. You can handle it. Cheers Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Double-0-9: I've been thinking about this line of inquiry, but the best I can do is imagine vaguely. The PA -- as PDT pointed out -- gets at some really core masculine issues -- alpha maleness, cuckoldry, etc. etc. So it's a tough nut to crack.
As a problem in divorce, on the other hand, I don't know why that ought to matter. Everyone reacts differently to the shock of the D-bomb -- but everyone reacts. My bomb was different from yours which was different from AlexEN's which was different from PDT's which was different from Coach's..........
The specific circumstances don't really matter in that sense. Bomb, shock, DB.
Whatever the circumstances, your job is first and foremost to spy out Who You Are. In some cases those are GALs and 180s intended to break the cycle that got you to the D. In other cases they are GALs and 180s intended to build the New Model You for the Life After D. In EVERY case, those things are about you. The mind of the WAS -- and the body of the WAS -- is an entirely separate thing.
Now it's easy for me to believe that it would be THAT MUCH HARDER to mojolate after a PA, because of the thin-skin we fellows tend to have about such matters. By the same token, that would also make it MUCH MORE IMPORTANT to mojolate.
WOW! Coach that is a remarkable concept. something that I need to remember for myself.
Yeah, that is something. I hear from my WAW not so much as "I don't love you" (thought I hear that) but that she is afraid of giving me another chance, afraid of what might happen if I turn on her, afraid of how she could be hurt so bad again. So I just need to focus on acting in a way that makes her fear go away.
SP, great post right there. Thanks.
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
Last night was fun, she got home and I was Agent Zero acting cool and she never brought up the email thing. It is like two double agents in a house that have all sorts of secrets but don't talk about them. She doesn't know I know, so I feel I got the upper hand. I'll just ride on.
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
WAW just emailed me about weekend plans, things to do and get done. One item on there - "was also going to look at some apt's and tour some neighborhoods." Knew this is coming but it is tough to see that.
I replied with a few things I planned on this weekend, along with "what can I do to help on the apartment/neighborhood search?" Don't think I can do much else on that.
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
WAW just emailed me about weekend plans, things to do and get done. One item on there - "was also going to look at some apt's and tour some neighborhoods." Knew this is coming but it is tough to see that.
I replied with a few things I planned on this weekend, along with "what can I do to help on the apartment/neighborhood search?" Don't think I can do much else on that.
JKL,
Why do you feel it is your job to help her run away from your marriage? I'm not saying be a dikk, but why would you offer to HELP her with this part of it???
I guess I read some advice here on validating, being helpful, etc. SP's posts in particular. I see your point though - and I don't think I am going to help her run away. I am just trying to do a 180 from what she expects, which is me being a huge dikk and making life miserable for her.
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
