I'm sure I am too... but it doesn't make me feel any better about the situation. W and I will be connected in some fashion or another for the next 17 years. She can't push me out any more than I could push her out - although she seems to be the only one wanting to do the cutoff. If I ultimately wind up with custody - I have absolutely no problem letting her be as involved as she wants to be. If she winds up with custody - I am virtually guaranteed to have no more than the ordered time.
To give you an idea of W's attorney's strategy:
1. Accuse target of abuse and claim to have tons of evidence on him supporting this and get him to roll over and capitulate. 2. Okay that didn't work... we don't have any evidence and he called our bluff and told us to screw off... also he happens to have quite a bit of evidence on our client... ummm... delay!
Since the first hearing, W's attorney canceled my deposition, asked my attorney to cancel W's, canceled a planed negotiation, when we filed for the psych eval she requested a continuance, then she tried to schedule it for a day she knew my attorney would be out of town, then she waited until a day before the next date and requested another continuance and was denied... then neither her nor W show up and the stand-in attorney gets railroaded by the judge, who not only grants my motion but says "ready or not - this is happening in two months."
So we've been approved for the psych eval, filed to set W's deposition, provided discovery information they requested (interrogatories/production of documents), getting ready to hit them with a Motion to Compel Discovery if they don't provide theirs, and W is either going to be put under oath in < 2 weeks or she isn't going to show.
My money is that she isn't going to want to play anymore, and is about to create a nice paper trail in the system to go along with her paper trail I've collected outside. Her instability and short-sighted nature is going to come back to bite her.
To give you an example of my affidavit she didn't bother responding to nor even showing up to fight:
Originally Posted By: AFFIDAVIT
Before me the undersigned notary public in and for the State of [STATE] at Large, this day personally appeared DCBHM, who being known to me and being by me first duly sworn, deposes and says on oath as follows: 1. My name is DCBHM. I am a resident of [COUNTY] County, [STATE]. I am over the age of nineteen (19) years and have personal knowledge of the facts set forth in the affidavit. 2. On January 1, 2009 Plaintiff and I engaged in sexual intercourse. Plaintiff expressed a desire not to remove her brown and white long-sleeve sweater and did not do so. On January 3, 2009 Plaintiff did remove her shirt and I observed a cut between six to eight inches across Plaintiff’s stomach. I ran my finger across it and asked her “What happened?” and she responded “I don’t know.” She then seemed uncomfortable in her demeanor. 3. On January 6, 2009 I approached Plaintiff with my concerns of her behavioral and emotional changes since the death of her father. I offered to support her in counseling, and requested she make a doctor’s appointment. Plaintiff erupted violently, exclaimed “I don’t want to hurt my baby!” and began screaming that her feelings were my fault, stating “I’m not going to take happy pills to make you happy!” Plaintiff left the home for forty five minutes to an hour and then returned to pack bags. Plaintiff screamed and accused me of being abusive and stated that I had tried to drown her. I just looked at her dumbfounded and she said “You don’t remember? One time I was in the bathtub and you yelled because the phone was ringing.” I asked her “How is that trying to drown you?” and Plaintiff got a confused look on her face for a moment, and then flatly stated “Well I thought you were going to drown me.” Plaintiff then abandoned the marital home, leaving me with all three children. 4. Since our separation, Plaintiff has exhibited multiple instances of extreme and unfounded paranoia, short but turbulent temper tantrums, shifting moods, erratic and impulsive behavior and decision making, has expressed an inability or unwillingness to recall events as they occurred, has made false allegations of abuse, and has refused to discuss the future of our minor child with me. 5. The Plaintiff was under the care of a mental health professional sometime between August 16, 2003 and December 23, 2003 because of her self-mutilation and suicidal thoughts. This care was orchestrated by Plaintiff’s mother. Plaintiff expressed in her online journal a desire to hide her self-mutilation from the professional so that she wouldn’t have to go to a mental hospital. 6. After researching Plaintiff’s journal, and explaining her current behavior and actions to others I was told to look into Borderline personality disorder. After researching the disorder, I believe the symptoms my wife has been displaying before and after our separation are pronounced enough, and the timeline of onset of the disorder matches Plaintiff’s age according to a professional I spoke with, and I am extremely concerned for my minor child’s long-term emotional and physical well-being in care of the Plaintiff should she suffer from the disorder. 7. The Plaintiff mentioned suicidal thoughts, self-mutilation, and a longing for death multiple times in her online journal, from October 7, 2003 as far forward as May 7, 2005 – long after she was no longer under the care of a mental health professional. These journal entries tended to revolve around the breakup of a relationship, or the loss of a loved one. Plaintiff is currently going through this divorce, and recently lost her father in September 2008. 8. I have shared my concerns with the Plaintiff and Plaintiff’s family and they refuse to consider the possibility that anything is wrong, and react extremely defensively about the subject. When I discussed self-mutilation with Plaintiff’s mother she stated “That is just what kids do nowadays.” Plaintiff’s mother has seemed more concerned about the appearance of Plaintiff’s reputation than Plaintiff’s well-being, and for that reason I believe self-destructive behavior will be enabled and condoned should our minor child remain under the long-term care of the Plaintiff. 9. I was not aware of the extent of these problems prior to our marriage, and only recently have I gathered enough information about Borderline personality disorder and my wife’s prior mental history to understand the possible harm my daughter may be in if left under the long-term care of the Plaintiff. 10. I strongly believe that it would be in my minor child’s best interests for the Plaintiff to undergo a psychological evaluation by a psychologist or therapist trained in the diagnosis of personality disorders.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
D1 was acting sassy this morning. She was eating hash browns and walking around the nursery giving pouty looks and reaching for more of the daycare worker's food. Today is her last day in the baby bed room... she moves up to nap mats next week and will be with a different worker.
OM was outside this mornings. It appears he is picking up quite a bit of weight himself... possibly sympathy weight or stress-related if W truly is pregnant.
Journaling: My internal date of June 1, 2009 for positive traction from W is fast approaching. But given the quite possible BPD diagnosis, I'd have to ask what that means for me should I attempt to resume our relationship... in the Stop Walking on Eggshells book it discusses "coping strategies" for the non-BP which basically consist of extreme tolerance, patience, and understanding which would make the best DB'er here walk away without trying. I can love W, and I can be sympathetic to her plight, but ultimately I can't save her. I can't rescue her from her internal demons. She will have to make that decision on her own - independent of what happens to our M.
I try to convince myself that what we had was real... but I'm looking back and wondering. Did she really love me? In her own way I'm sure she did. In a desperate/needy kind of way - it was her deepest desire that I would be able to fill the black hole of despair within her. But things did seem so right at times... and at other times - even when things were good - I felt that something was a bit off.
Yet I want to save my M... it just falls way down on my list of priorities, and given the reality of my situation I'm just not sure if that is a rational want to have. So I just let the logical/analytical/legal part of me run the show, establish a winning strategy, get custody, then set the pace of what I choose to do in the future.
I won't meet with my IC again until next month sometime... but I'm trying to suppress my hurt, anger, and sadness as much as I can. I haven't DB'd "perfectly" but I've pretty much out of desperation done it 95% by the book. I just find it hard to accept the emasculating proposition that I'm supposed to passively stand by while W annihilates our family and tries to drag me down with her drama.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
Okay... W/MIL are throwing on the "We are one big happy family" act pretty thick now during pickups. I picked up D1 this morning as usual, both W/MIL were chipper, showing off a new toy she bought for D1 (new one each week), and making small talk.
I picked up D1 and handed her to W and said "give mommy a kiss bye." W held her for a minute, and then D1 reached out to me and I held her. Meanwhile MIL is talking about all kinds of random crap, offering me something to drink, etc. and being nice.
Of course I just stopped all of a sudden and said "Well, see you at 4." Normally MIL just replies the same thing but she had a shocked look on her face as if they expect me to say something. Meanwhile I just kissed D1 on the cheek and told her to get ready for a fun day, then walked to my vehicle.
I have nothing else to say. W has that poor pitiful me look, her belly is getting bigger, and I'm just projecting cool confidence. I spent the entire early part of our separation being Mr. "Let's work together" and they couldn't wait to get a lawyer, and made snide smart-ass remarks after getting one, such as "You just need to get your lawyer to agree with our lawyer if you want to see your daughter."
Now that her getting custody is an if instead of a when, all of a sudden they are wanting to play nicey nice. Of course - it seems like they can't bear to say anything first... they are hoping I'll reach out to them like I was in the beginning. I'm just done with that... if W wants to reach out to me she already has seen plenty of how I feel. I'm getting frustrated being magnanimous without result - and I think W is noticing the difference in me considering I'm beginning to move on emotionally and am focusing completely on the D.
BPD or not - I think Waywards only start to come around when they can sense you are finding a better place without them.
In any event, today was fun. Took the kids to get something to eat, watched a talent show they had at the mall, and then took them all to the park. I even got up on a slide with D1 and rode it down. Right now she's eating a snack and the boys are cleaning up after her when she tosses cookies to the ground. I'll update if anything exciting happens during the pickup.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
DCBHM, It sounds like you are doing really well! Im glad to hear that the custody hasnt gone badly. I hope that things keep moving in this positive direction!
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
She was eating hash browns and walking around the nursery giving pouty looks and reaching for more of the daycare worker's food. Today is her last day in the baby bed room... she moves up to nap mats next week and will be with a different worker. 