Thing is, I don't want to have to make H a piece of cr*p to feel good about myself. My kids are half Frog, right? I don't want to break it down to some cultural divide. There's plenty good about frogginess...just don't send'em into battle, right?
I see the demons he wrestles and he is basically succumbing to some Freudian pre-destiny to end up like his pop. Pop is paying for him and housing him and feeding him while he is in Froggieland. Must be a relief for Pops to have his "used to be so dedicated a father" son finally join him on the dark side. They can bond now, relate, be real froggies. Plus, H is impressing his pop with his rock star connections and he can finally fulfill that yearning to have his attention and admiration.
I suppose I hoped that through life and love, H and I would each learn how to be men and women, to grow up.
So, I have these two little guys and they had a dad who was here and connected and is pooping out to become the froggie version of a real man. How do I raise real men? How do I break the cycle, that they wont be doomed to such pathetic insecurity and yearning for daddy love and approval that they follow his path? I can only be a mother to them.
Anyway, I don't have the power to control this but I woke up at 4 shaking and wanting to just email H, "have you ever looked at this from the boys perspective?" "Do you ever look at the big picture?" "You like reading Freud, do you ever think of our boys rather than yourself when you're reading it?"
Perhaps, I need to express what I really think at some point. And maybe that will be the point at which I say, "no, I am not going to be friends with someone who hurts my children..."
