WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 9

[PMA_Baby!]

She called me right away. She started by saying how she was mad that I don't call her when I have the kids for her to say good nite like she does. I told her that I didn't know she wanted me to call her and she could call, like I do when she doesn't call me to say goodnite to the kids

Bravo! Exactly. Like you do when she has the kids. If she wants to talk to them she can call. Don't let her MANIPULATE you with HER GUILT and CONTROL. Nice job Validating! But you also started to set a boundary which was good by saying she is welcome to call anytime.

She then started gripping about how the kids are really acting up at her place, last nite in particular. I almost said can you blame them considering how she turned their lives upside down. I just empathized with her.

Again. Nice job. You VALIDATED and EMPATHIZED, but this where the tough love comes in. She asked for THIS and THIS is all part of tearing a home apart. Wake up WAW!!!

Then she complained about how cold and miserable the weather was this morning and surprised how nice it got this morning. She asked how baseball went. I told her the boys and I had a blast and really talked up how fun it was.

Way to keep POSITIVE!

She said that she had an appointment tonite that she had been trying to get so that's why she missed going. She didn't elaborate what it was nor did I pry. She did say she had leftovers for dinner, so maybe it wasn't a date. Maybe it was for therapy, or for her back, or for her hair or whatever. I can't waste my energy trying to figure it out

You answered that one yourself. Nice.

Then she talked about how the kids were talking about going bowling again. I said I was going to take them Sat so she was welcome to come. She said that she thinks its going to get confusing to the kids. She said we did 5 family things together in the last 10 days. I guess she really is taking what I said about adding to the hurt comment I made last week. Sigh. Guess its a case of be careful of what you wish for. I know its the right thing though

Yup. It is the right thing. You've put the invites out there now wait till she comes to you. You are just PRESSURING her with every invite. Forget inviting her for now. Remember she needs to MISS YOU she needs to MISS being a FAMILY. Right now she is just feelings TRAPPED and PRESSURED. Stop asking her!!! She is CONFUSED though and she will most likely get upset and ask why your not inviting her anymore. Just VALIDATE her feelings and say she is WELCOME to join you guys anytime. DONT let her MANIPULATE YOU with HER GUILT. These are HER CHOICES. YOU are just showing her that you are NOT going to ENABLE them. Part of why your in this mess is because she as ALL WAS's do; she LOST RESPECT for YOU. Setting YOUR BOUNDARIES will HELP gain back that RESPECT. Not at first, but EVENTUALLY. At first she will just think YOU'RE being MEAN, but if you are CONSISTENT she will LEARN to RESPECT it. If not that is when you have to question is she the type of person you want by your side anyway. Is SHE STRONG enough to do the WORK???

At that point I had enough so I said it was getting late so if there wasn't anything else, I was going to bed. She said no there wasn't so have a goodnite

Well done. You took her CONTROL of the conversationo away. That is TOUGH LOVE and she needs that. She can't EXPECT/DEPEND on YOU to be HER CRUTCH anymore. That is part of the choices she made. She NEEDS to LEARN that through TOUGH LOVE and that is what you're doing by setting your BOUNDARIES.

Maybe I shouldn't have answered the text but at least I didn't try to talk about the relationship. I think...

Maybe. But you did and you handled it well. Next time reply if YOU WANT to but NOT because you think that is what she WANTED.

I did try to follow Sandi's advice of just saying things once and don't let her ping pong the conversation. I tried to listen as much as possible

I also noticed that. Great job!

So is this going cause a Coach to rustle up a caravan?

Maybe for a GAL DB roadtrip

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