he was back, i think

[FightingFit]

we are in the same space. the ow in my sitch just wanted a free passage to australia also - shes english. thought she'd get it and nearly did - he did bring her out here without telling anyone, even his mother. but I outed it and she got sent back home.

but I still think she holds out on him one day sneaking back here (hes over there with her right now) and bringing her out to live. shes trying to better her life and shes doing it at my and my childrens expenses without a care in the world...

and little does she know it wont ever happen I have him tied up nicely here, he wont come back unless hes got nothing bc he owes too much money but i bet he doesnt disclose that to HER.

i also know she doesnt have the person i had for 20 years. funny cuz her parents told me spitefully that "you never knew him really" and i was like "wow thats obvious isnt it" but later I laughed and thought, "well you dont KNOW the man I knew so yanno, same back atcha". i wouldnt have accepted a man like him in my life then, when I had the choice, and just bc we have history and kids doesnt mean I should give up those values - i wouldnt want a man like HIM. hes NOT who I KNEW. hes a stranger to me. not someone i ever want to know either.

its funny bc ever since I started crystallising on this i started getting TERRIFIED hed return. I still am. its my latest thing. im finally working it out and getting straight so it seems just PAR FOR THE COURSE he'll come back to stuff that p for me. thats what im dealing with now - my intense fear of his return that he'll mess with my life and head.

i really dont think theres anymore left in me, to so much as hear his voice again. sad its come to that but now i have THAT issue to deal with - after all we have kids. i would just like to do what HE tried so hard to do - and disappear forever.