he was back, i think

[FightingFit]

mdoodles I can TOTALLY relate to the "sometimes the wife just wants to win" thing... WOW thats so SPOT ON for me... in my sitch i just loathe and detest his entire family so much and the OW so much I think, "wow would I ever love him to come back just to sitck it to THEM" and then I catch myself and think "omg what a rotten reason to get back with someone like HIM. They might be p'd off but they'd get over it, id be STUCK with him!"

i think thats something im struggling with a lot right now, in my mind, thinkin ok if he came back, would I be happy for ME or just happy i WON, and its an ugly realisation to think ok really it would be just that I WON, I dont really want HIM back, as a man or H. not now. im v mindful of it.. im not letting that creep back into my life for simple ego kudos.

I also reached a point where I keep reminding myself daily, being alone forever wouldnt be as bad as living with him and cake eating what he did, hed never forgive ME if the tables were turned anyway; why should I? when he'd not do the same? its nice to think they might TRULY be sorry for everything but deepin my heart I dont think he WOULD be, yanno, i dont think he WOULD truly regret it but just be mouthing the words. and I know if he ever came back it would be bc it didnt work out with HER and that family. SO not interested in being a second choice. or them saying I am, either...

ive been dealing a lot lately on just WHAT he could ever say to even come to a point where i could converse with him NORMALLY and I dont think there is ANYTHING actually. i think im only here on these forums, to get that closure within myself. really accept it. bc as you know our emotions go from one thing to the other like a weird cyclone. I might feel differently next week. but overall what im looking for is what temperature i keep RETURNING to, on my feelings... almost there

i hope everything goes as well as it can with your business... and yes I missed our sex life a lot too... unlike some here we had a very good and active sex life, tho I know he lied to OW about THAT too. whatever works for him to sleep at nights! at least I know i couldnt lie that bad.