"in general the time together is flat but easy and familiar?" Some people would die for just that. Flat and Familiar. Some people enjoy just that. If you asked 10 newcomers here if they would rather have where they are now.. or flat and familiar..
K, I'm not even a newcomer and I'd "settle" for "flat, easy, familiar" rather than the "drama". It's my LL ;-) Maybe you are right now at an "unsettling" age. In about 5 years you will mellow and so will most of us. Then you may really want to "settle". In about 10 years you will mellow some more, you'll be looking forward to grand kids ... then you may want to "settle" even more. Can you imagine K the grandma all settled, family in one piece, H feeling secure to be around his family? OW would be a forgotten nightmare (an old grandma too). Imagine that! Anyway that was the one thing that struck me most in FG's post tho' his claim to fame is "Drama Queen".
Everyone is different. I am that 10 years older, and flat and familiar wasn't working for me. Of course, flat and familiar was in separate rooms, with no physical interaction at all. But, still.
My take on "flat and familiar" in the context of this 'sitch' is the way things were pre-bomb from H's POV which K wanted to get back to right after the bomb but now would be "settling". And I think FG means it that way too.
All K's "work" has brought things back to that familiar point but ironically when one has put in all that work one expects a lot more. Therein lies the main difficulty in 'piecing'. It takes time and more work to get beyond that.
I agree with everyone!!! fb2, flat and familiar brought me here. Just coparenting brought me here. No sign of passion brought us the OW, no fun times brought us misery, no work just co existing stripped us of (not our clothes) of any kind oof appreciation for each other. Flat and familiar probably works as H said, when you are 80, not when you are 38. Sorry, my take on that. And you know what, having grandkids seems so far away from me now. I wont be unhappy now for the next 40 years to guarantee/ensure "flat and familiar" when I am 80. Can you udnerstand I am constantly lacking... I am 8 months now feeling miserable and he is ...content.
You said a couple of times -at the bomb you would- or newcomers would-, I dont think that is a valid comparison or argument. When you panick because you lose the person you love, you would be happy with a curse sometimes, when there is NC, people would be excited saying "WOW, you got a recation, babysteps, comgrats!!!". You think that is healthy? NO SIR!! Maybe even at the bomb I wasnt WORTH anything more. Guess what, I am now, or better said, I know now what I am worth.
There is NO issue of living in this flat and familiar state. I am not even considering it. I will die if I try to do that or find another man to give me the excitement I need or shop till I drop to feel content. Been there done that (shopping), sucks!!
And tell me exactly, the "more" I want is a hug, kissing, spending ONE HOUR with HIM ALONE, you think is a result of me working hard? I think it is the absolute minimum of anyone involving himself in a relationhsip.
Think of this: if someone told you that you would marry but that in your marriage you should not expect any physical interaction, fun, excitement,dreaming etc, how many people do you think they would committ to a marriage like that because of the precious flat and familiar? Not for what I signed up for. K
K....as usual, you have said it very eloquently. A true M is about partnership, companionship, shared love and laughs, TIME. What you have is a co-parenting R pure and simple. There doesn't seem to be anything more to the R. If you didn't have the kids and his work to talk about, what would you discuss? If you can't think of a darned thing.....guess what? There is no R.
You are beyond strong K! You are darned near superwoman and I have no doubt that you will make the rest of your life exciting!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
"how many people do you think they would committ to a marriage like that because of the precious flat and familiar? Not for what I signed up for."
So since you do not want flat and familiar, can you see your present relationship moving out of this state? Has it ever been out of this state?
I have another question (which may get me in trouble with some folks)....have you ever considered a lover? This way you could have all that is good about your husband and the excitement of a sexual relationship. I know, I am grasping at straws here.
It seems to me like you are done (in all honesty, I knew you were done for a while). It takes alot of effort to reconcile. Effort from both parties.... and even then there are no guarantees. In your case Maria, neither of you were ever in it 100%.
So, will Ali signal you when the stars line up so that you can drop your bomb? What is your plan?
