Man Overboard

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

I was really struggling today, mostly with the "how could he just walk away from the kids" blues.

DH finally decided to surface early this afternoon and called to see if the kids and I had plans for this afternoon. I told him nothing except church. He forgot it was Weds. What about tomorrow? Mom and I are taking the kids for dinner (Banana splits for dinner). Oh, what about Friday? Well, there is a concert at the beach. Sunday? After church, we are going to go see the military force and air power display at the beach. {disappointed} Oh. Look, when we do not see or hear from you for four days, I do not know what you want to do and I made plans for me and the kids. Well, I had duty yesterday. I know, but that does not account for the rest of the weekend, and since you did not answer your phone or call back when D9 called, I looked for things to do to keep the kids busy. I didn't have any messages in my phone. No, D9 said she did not need to leave a message, you had caller ID and would know to call the house Oh. Look, she is upset about you being gone and not telling anyone you would not be here, especially since you told her how you would be seeing them all the time at her C appt., that your "friends" were not more important than them, but here it is the first long weekend since you got back and you disappeared again. Well, yeah, I will see them more cause the ship is not going anywhere. But did you tell her that or did you say that you would see them all the time? I guess I might have said it like she told you, but that is not how I meant it. But she is nine, her perception is different than an adult's. Do you see how she could have taken it to mean you would be spending your free time with them? Yes, I see how she might do that. I guess maybe we need to have a set visitation so that you will be able to plan. If that is what you want, then we could do that. I suppose you are content with seeing them one day a week and every other weekend? No I want to see them all the time. Well, that is not how a set schedule works. I just want to make it easier on you for planning. I don't need it any easier. I will continue to make plans. I told you before the kids and I are moving on with our lives. It is up to you to determine how you want to fit into them. If you want to see them today, we do not leave for church until 6:30-6:45. Well, if its not a problem, I will be over around 3:30. (bright and cheery) Nope, not a problem at all. We will see you when you get here. (some other stuff was talked about, too, but it was all logistical--I did mention about my going away to visit friends and not taking the kids. He told me I did deserve a break and he would take care of the kids, just needed dates.)

Things went smoothly before dinner. I mentioned that S3 was a booger today and said it would probably help if I could let him get outside to play, but with no gate, I am hesitant to let him out. DH said he would get the stuff needed to fix it and get it taken care of. Dinner was delicious, DH stepped in on some discipline issues and overall things were good. I mentioned where we were going for dinner tomorrow and then let him know mom said she did not mind if he joined us but that he needed his own banana. He seemed pleased at being included.

However, I ended up in a real funk on the way to church trying to figure out what was so awful that he needs to walk out on me, on the kids, on our life together. I was struggling for peace and strength by the time I got to church.

The last Wednesday of the month, my church does an entire service of praise and worship. One song brought me to my knees and I prayed and prayed and talked to God and begged him for something to give me the strength to go on.

God obliged and I clearly heard--Stand firm and see the deliverance I have brought you.

I came home from church and DH was still here, had washed up all the dishes from dinner, bagged up the trash, and bought the things needed to fix the gate that has been broken since last summer. He got the kids ready for bed and I listened to D6 practice her reading with bedtime stories while he sat with us all. When he left, he said he would see us tomorrow.

I found the Scripture God gave me at church--it is 2 Chronicles 20:17--

"You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the LORD will give you, O Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the LORD will be with you.' "

So, here I stand, living life for me and the kids, including DH when he wants to be included, and waiting on the Lord to bring this to completion in His perfect time.

Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~
SMW