Okay now it's been 6 months of ?????

[Kenn]

MsM and Ph,

thanks so much! I thought I was good and ready to move on but obviously I am fooling myself.

This woman blames me for everything bad that is happening in her life.... There is no changing that.

I guess the trigger last night was my daughter stood up to her and told her she was a bad mother and then started comparing her to me. So she decided that I was sabotaging her.

It's funny though. Today, one day after she accused me of telling our daughter about her trips, my daughter calls to say goodnight. She tells me she is falling asleep in mom's bed because mom is there packing for her trip this weekend. DOES ANY OF THIS CRAP SINK INTO THEIR HEADS?

Yep, I brought daughter to her house after piano lessons and it was chilly....brrrrr!

Would like to say I don't care but I do. Not that I feel the way I do. She is in the most selfish frame of mind I have ever seen anyone in (even her). But this is the one person I would have never hurt and obviously I just don't get it because I do. Even though this crap needs to be said I wish I could say it nicely.

I can't understand why it has to be like this. The one person I thought was the most important person in the world, is convinced that I am a selfish sob that I betrayed her and ruined her life.

When really the situation is that she wanted someone to take care of our daughter so she could go chase her fun, career, and fun.

Geez... I am all for her leaving and finding something that makes her happy. Somehow I don't think she is but maybe I am fooling myself and I really don't want to believe it because it makes me a failure as a husband.

Why does something like this conversation drag me right back into the place where I feel like a failure. Her whole world is centered around her, so why do I feel like I lost something so valuable? I know if I entered into a realtionship with 20 women that 19 of them would treat me better than this one.

Back to square one... Have my daughter this weekend and for the week. Start normalizing again. Try to put her back out of my life again,

Crap it has been 7 months.... why is this still a problem in my life? No need to answer that one... just feeling sorry for myself anynomously

life

[Kenn]

You know one of the ironic things is that last night when I was blasting her on this guy. I accused her of sleeping with him while we were married.

She said that didn't happen and I needed to know that. I told her that sure you did. The guy texted you for an entire month before you said you wanted a divorce. You talked to him three times fro over 30 minutes each time. And then you made resevations to sleep in a hotel with him the day after you told me you wanted a divorce. Plus you stayed in hotel out there one month before our talk, most likely with him.

She said nothing happened before our seperation and it was important to know that. I asked her why is that so important? BECAUSE it is about her integrity. WTH???????

I laughed (unfortunately) and said integrity? you mean that this guy is texting you that he misses you and making comments in your texts about oral sex but because you took your wedding rings off before you slept with him ...that means you have integrity???

So she denied the texts and I proceeded to quote the two that most bother me. And would you believe there was a hush on the phone.... an errie quiet for several seconds.....

All this and I still know that somewhere in this whole mess I let her down as a husband. Of course, now I realize we both let each other down and I am starting to believe she is going through some phase that the only way things would have been good is if I would have done everything and completely taken care of my daughter.... I would have had to take all of lifes burdens and even then she wouldn't have been happy. I know I wouldn't have.

so I think unfortuantely my marriage is a goner. My relationship with this woman has been run through a shredder and I need to figure out how to put this in the past as a part of my life and move on. PH is right. I need to figure out how to talk to her only about my daughter and forgive her for this.

Find some way to point out to her when she is blaming me or trying to boss me around, which when I pointed this out to her she said she didn't meanto come off like that. And just get over this!

[pearlharbr]

Find some way to point out to her when she is blaming me or trying to boss me around, which when I pointed this out to her she said she didn't meanto come off like that.

Don't try to point anything out to her. She is just NOT going to hear anything coming from you.

That is the point of going dark, to remove yourself entirely from the situation. Then when she realizes that she still isn't happy and her life still isn't all she wants she will not have you to blame.

Whether or not she then seizes the opportunity to take a long, hard look at herself is the unknown. Remember that you can't control her feelings or actions, you can only control your own.

As for the rest of the conversation, she will continue to lie about the EA/PA and will not back down. I know it's hard to accept, I was incredulous when BF continued to stick to his story even when confronted with cold hard facts that proved he was cheating and lying. That's just what they do. There's no way to understand it, just have to try to accept it for what it is.

Back to my original point - all of this is upsetting you which points to the fact that you have not detached. I really think going dark will help you get there.

[MsMelancoly]

Hey Kenn, I will post more later - not that I have much advise to offer. Anyway, here's a poem that was posted, by someone else, awhile ago. It REALLY helped me detach. I ended up reading it several times a day at one point. Hope it helps you!

To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.

To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.

To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.

To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.

To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.

To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.

To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.

To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.

To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.

To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.

To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.

To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.

To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more
_________________________

[Kenn]

Back to my original point - all of this is upsetting you which points to the fact that you have not detached. I really think going dark will help you get there.

You so right here. Thanks for the advice. I can't understand why this crap is bothering me so. There is no doubt in my mind we will end up divorced. And I am struggling with the fact that this person blames me for everything.

I just want to get on away from this.

[MsMelancoly]

As you've probably heard a million times of course the WAS blames the LBS. Much easier to pin the blame on someone else, rather than taking a good look at yourself and the choices, yes choices you make. Did my H blame me - yep - tried to run away from me (his problem). Was I his biggest problem, probably not. Has his life gotten any better, nope.

I think you do know why it bothers you. Sometimes, it just takes longer to detach. I suppose it takes longer when there's a child involved.

Is it time for a new tunnel, not being or seeming her friend for now?

[pearlharbr]

Just have a minute, but wanted to wholeheartedly agree with what MsM said above.

Also, ran across this comment on a thread in Piecing:

It works every damn time. I wish I could tell this to all newcomers. If a sitch has any hope, it will happen when the LBS finally accepts they are gone. FG repeated that all the time. The same happened to him...

Not to say that letting go will necessarily lead to reconciliation, but it definitely won't happen until you do.

[Kenn]

As always you guys (as in female buddies) are there for me. Thanks!

Unfortunately the thing bothering me the most over the last few days is letting this conversation bother me. The gist of the convo or as far as where I was taking it was that it was her fantasy. Like many women (don't take that wrong) she has a version that everything will stay the same as far as the friendship part of our relationship but that the romance part will be filled elsewhere. I told her that just wasn't going to happen like that. She said she couldn't understand that because we had 16 years together and a lot of good times. That's when I really lost my cool and started to explain why I felt betrayed and that friends don't do that to each other much less people who are suppose to be married.

SO... what I am really dealing with for the last couple of days is not the fact that some reconcilliation is not going to happen. She has so many walls up it's crazy. And it is very possible that she is truly happier without me and inthe relationship she is in. And like you said a little earlier PH you reach a point where the feelings are gone. I do not feel the overwhelming attraction anymore when I around her. As long as the interaction is short.

But that I lost my cool and hurt someone I care for and she can't understand that. She has turned it all around to be my fault again But that is her problem I guess not mine.

Like several people have said.... she needed to hear it. I have been too nice in the whole situation supporting her in her unhappiness as if she was still my wife and soul mate.

Believe me the frustration is with me and my feelings. Like you guys say that is probablly because I am not where I need to be yet.

Just because I am starting to feel better about my life, feeling like I may be better off, and feeling attraction to other women and the urge to date and start enjoying female company...... I obviously am still feeling something in this head or heart of mine....

AND ...I guess it is a backslide moment where I let my anger that she irrationally blames me for all this get the best of me and I verbally attacked someone. That is one of the things I thought I had control of.....

I'll get there, just not yet.... Thanks for being there for me though!

[MsMelancoly]

Hey Kenn, Well, you were M for how many years??? I would assume it would take a lot of time. One of the most difficult steps, in my opinion.

Don't beat yourself up too bad. You can kick yourself forever, if you want. Or you can learn, understand & grow. That has been a tough lesson that I learned. But I keep reminding myself that.

Even if you did lose your control, I think your W needed to hear it. You told her how you felt. Sometimes communication, even when it's bad, can be good for YOU!

Dispite all of this I hope you are having a good weekend!

[Kenn]

Why yes I am,

Friday i had a sitter for my daughter and went to an outdoor concert. This morning we got up for a make up soccer game at 700 am...argh! We raced around with our heads cut off. Her mom is out of town (in Denver LOL!) and I guess has my D's gym bag in the back of her car... so off to target and bought new cleats and shin guards, then got there and found out they moved the games to late afternoon due to a kids triatalon. But my D had a friend in it so we stayed and watched that... kind of fun.

So we hung out today and went to the soccer game which was really good. It was a tie, but my D made a great save as goalie which kept them in position to tie the game ...yep proud dad... it was a great save

And after the game there was an end of season cookout at the coaches house. That was a blast. Beer for dad and a bounce thingy for the kids. Had a fun time. Then the ex-neighbors invited us over to thier house... got my butt handed to me in monopoly..bad..really bad. Wife called to talk to D and told me she found a couple of places in Denver that she liked a lot. That may not sound like good news but to me it is awesome. Means she is serious about moving out there. She can have him as long as my daughter is there! SO I just got back and have not comvinced myself to go to bed yet...and so here I am LOL!

yep weekend is going well. How about yours? Hope it is good to!

and you too PH.... I hope yours is going great also!

And everyone else also!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!