John, Wow...you are in such a bad position...who knows what your W is thinking...could you call this a MLC...yes, but that in no way justifies her actions. Again, her discussing the status of your marriage with a 13 yr old daughter is way off base...have you talked to her about this at all? For her to tell your daughter she doesn't consider herself married when she is both legally and morally is way off-base...your daughter sounds like a smart young lady that you should be proud. If you have not it is time to talk about what is and what is not appropriate to talk to your daughter about with her C and tell your W what you will accept. I think your D will put her in her place if she steps across the line (which she has already done at least twice).
Another reason for you to consider to see a lawyer...again, this is not a prelude to divorce...just a smart business plan.
The interaction you have with the phone calls and your b-day (congrats on 40) meal is a hard decision...I personally would tell her no...for your happiness you would prefer to spend your 40th with someone that wants to be with you...take some leave and take your daughter to see your parents or go to a nice restaurant with your D, or invite a few close friends to your hosue and have a BBQ. If you do go out with your W you will be bummed out at the end when she leaves to go to her apartment...and that is if everything else goes well. No good can come from it other than you getting a free meal that tastes like cardboard...if you do anything and she wants to help and you can use it to bump her guilt do a meal at home (not recommended but you got to do what you think best) with her and your D at your house...nice meal with all three of you together. If possible have her prepare the meal or at least prepare the dessert. Do not giver her any ideas about a gift to include coming home...she already knows that and decides every day to stay away....again, this is if you feel it will help...I do not think so but you may think you have to try...
The PT and junk food means nothing...do not believe a single thing she tells you...she is a liar in everything she says and most of what she does...that is just how it is when you live a life of lies.
Your heartache will come and go for years...no matter if you divorce or stay together...it will hit you when you least expect it...you will deploy again or get a remote and she will not be at home when you call or forget something and you will wonder what she is doing...that is what happens when trust is gone...that is what I was trying to tell you when I asked if you have thought about what you want. The loss of trust is a horrible blow to a marriage...many do not survive. Blind trust is not a virtue...verify will become part of your thought process...something to think about.
Right now you are reacting to her actions...she has had nothing but positives in her life...apartment, no responsibilites about D, single life style, come and go as she wants, buy anything, etc...you need to try to get control with the mental expectation that your marriage is over but if it could be save you would consider saving it...your heart might tell you to do everything you can to include begging but it will not work...we are hardwired to go alpha and most take the path of least resistance...if you are at the point you can take a stand and stick with it your bday is a good start...if you can arrange it to spedn the weekend with your D and parents would be best...
Again, exposure to end the affair is where you are right now...go see a lawyer to get advice on your Ds care and custody, who will get the house, bills, retirement, college for D, etc...
You are in a holding pattern...from what you have told us this will last until Oct if you let it...the OM will PCS and your W will decide if she wants to come home or find another OM or try to PCS to where the OM is...perhaps that is her reason for the Warrant Officer program? Is he Army?
You are doing better than you think...you have stayed away from alcohol, no abuse with wife, taking good care of D, saving money, improved your PT scores and helped others, you are going to have weak moments...what is important is you know that and do let depression overcome you.
Do you have a worse case and best case scenario plan established...what do you want if you divorce adn what do you want if you stay married? Try to make a list...if she comes home and still sees OM can you accept that? If OM moves in or she moves in with him can you accept that? Very few marriages survive that level of betrayl...at least she is "faking" the affair and has not shacked up with the OM...yet. If that happens you need to consider an immediate legal plan...
I still feel your marriage can go either way...if you can expose to bust up the affair, and at the same time tell her you do not want to talk to her unless your D is sick, and continue to improve your life with your daughter you still have a good chance without you giving up your pride...the first time your daughter is introduced to this OM is your cue that you better get busy on the legal side...that is whay I think she is slowly escalating the "exposure" on her side...the buildup to prepare your daughter is in progress....55 but cute, I do not consider myself married, etc. Put your foot down and let her know if this continues you will do something...do not tell her just go do it...supervised visits with someone you trust or a court appointed custodian that she pays for...it is not right for a mother to talk about her boyfriend and that she doesn't consider herself married to justify an affair with a 13 yr old girl.
Consider telling her via letter or email that for your own wellbeing that you would prefer to not talk at all unless it is an immediate need for your daughter...then do it. Your D is old enough that you do not need to talk to your W about her care.
