Saving a Military Marriage.... 4

[FitChik]

Time for an update....

I was away this past week climbing a big mountain in Washington. It was a good break away from civilization and had spectacular views. I met some great people from all over the world and endured some serious pain!

I have had a lot of stress and frustration on me from my sitch. I was able to put it behind for my trip.... but I still felt the weight of it all. I would think about everything from time to time while alone or at night while trying to sleep. There was also such a young, cute, fun, happy couple on the trip I really enjoyed.... but it also made me sad at times....

The week prior to the trip was very frustrating and challenging. I talked to several Ls without any clear cut answer. Some do not think I need a L and of course some do. My sis (who is a L) helped me draft up my answer and I submitted it to the court & to his L. I addressed several things on my behave I wished for, such as marriage counseling and the possibility to use a military service act while I am deployed.

I asked my H to contact me regarding legal issues last week but he would not. I finally e-mailed him and told him my concerns (that he was asking me to pay for his legal fees!). He told me not to worry, he's take care of it, and supposedly fixed our paperwork. I will believe it when I see it.

I have been guilty of being emotional with him lately. I am so frustrated with our situation. There are multiple reasons....

I absolutely hate that we never discussed our M in person before he deployed (even though there was time-he chose not to several times). I do not understand how you can end a M without having face to face time with that person. It really makes me angry. My H comes home in July right before I leave to deploy for one year.... but his only response to seeing me is.... I don't want to see you!!

I also hate deploying knowing my H has so much hatred and bitterness for me b/c I will not agree to a D. I am facing my own morality before leaving and I have a hard time being on such bad terms with my H. I hate knowing something could happen to me when things are such a mess between us.....

I still have so much sadness & frustration that my H has treated our M and myself this way. I know it has been months now since our D was announced and filed.... but it is still raw. I see lots of ways I have healed and grown stronger..... but there is still so much work and progress to be made.

I don't know if I'm backsliding or still going through the grieving process. I really feel like a large part of it is due to deploying next month. I want so much to be on better terms with my H and reach middle ground.... but it has not happened. I feel so much frustration and stress to make something positive & good come out of our situation but he is so angry with me.

The only way to solve my H's anger is have the D finalized..... but I cannot disregard my own values and beliefs to accomodate his desires in this situation.

Just venting.... I have a lot of raw emotions stirring in me right now and it is great to get them out. Any thoughts or advice is appreciated.