PM Thread #6 - New Life for Number1 - Me

[25yearsmlc]

PM,,
I'm torn...first off while I want to slap your MIL's face, i also want to pat YOU on the back for a convo WELL DONE...well I do have two hands, don't I?

Second, for reasons you and I have discussed ad nauseum it seems, you are SO RIGHT NOT TO TELL THE KIDS about the A....good grief when will the LBsers stop pretending it's about "truth and honesty" and admit it's about punishment and OR hoping that guilt will bring the WAS back? It backfires 100% of the time ON THE LBSer...and is just plain lousy for the kids, at least according to the experts who wrote "What About the Kids?" I say this b/c it comes up on your post so often I feel like I'm selling the dang book. But it's like my mom telling me my dad drank too much. DUH! I did not need HER telling me what a loser he was, I'm half made up of HIM and of all people, I wanted HER to be above reproach and never look vengeful, which she did. And was. SO....I suggest others buy the books on this topic and see if kids your age "need to know" and if so, what? (or if at any age and if so, whether it should EVER be the LBS er who tells on the WAS...even the terms bother me..."tells on")...

Does anyone REALLY think the kids will then say to the LBSer, "OMG! You are goodness and we ONLY LOVE YOU and we HATE THE WAS and will pressure them to return to YOU"....??? I mean, that is NOT what happens. Instead, it triggers all sorts of negatives from the WAS about the LBSer to justify their A's and often fractures the R with the kids and the LBSer as the kids seek justification for the WAS actions AND want to blame the lbser so the kids won't feel that they are rejected too....better to blame the LBSer than think that WAS is saying he does not love THEM...

Please please Just ask a child psychologist before doing so and I say this not to you PM, b/c you 'get it" but to those who continue to urge you on that path...so NOT DBing and SO NOT needed. As if your kids won't figure it all out.

My d20 has a bf who just realized 6 months ago that her parent's M, and her father's NEW M "overlapped" and she now sees he had A with stepmom.... and she now sees her mother in even better light for restraining herself from the alienation that would have caused. I SAW THIS WITH MY OWN EYES AND IT VALIDATED SO MUCH OF THIS Point of View..wish I could have that friend come onto this board as a d of a div and an A, and step mom, and the whole dealio. All these years of the dad lying to his d has taken a huge toll on their R (now interestingly, d never asked her mother why they divorced and maybe if she had, things would be diff but for SOME reason I find intriguing, she did not choose to ask...) but if HE had told her she would have felt so much better about HIM but he was a coward. NO she does not hate her mom for not telling her, she honors her mother for not putting her (the mom's) anger ahead of d's r with her dad. Makes sense to me...oh, stepmom is in R hell and deserves to be. In fact the R's that man has with ALL his kids suck. And that is sad. His d lived with us last summer after finding out (it has been 9 years) and the bio dad came to MY house to lecture her about college and blah blah blah and she never told him she knew the truth...(WELL on that weird tangential note....)

Anyhow, job well done. You are an inspiration. Sometime I'll think harder about a letter you can write to the MIL that stays strong but puts this back ON HER so she doesn't go down the PM is being vengeful route...which will be so tempting. Oh and gee, your h sure is a gutsy guy. LOVE The way he has handled his mom and everything soooo above board. Am glad you extended the invite to her to come and visit, brilliant idea. Repeat it if you want. I think she needs to see them and you can even suggest that you KNOW she is "concerned ABOUT HOW THE KIDS ARE DOING SINCE THIS HURTS THEM SO DEEPLY IT IS TRAUMATIC NO MATTER HOW MANY 'FUN' THINGS GRANDMA HAD PLANNED..." And also, YOU are too damn busy for HER guilt and I DO think she has some...but it's wwwwaaaayyy ddddooooowwwwnnnnn ddddeeeeeppp in her heart. Way down.

Like where your h's guilt is.

HUGS!!

J-

(Good luck to OW enjoying that R)....