WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 9

[Coach]

Are you listening to everyone else? You are worrying about things you have no control over.

Not sure if she's taking to heart what I said last week about giving the boys false hope

Nope not sure either, doesn't change a thing.

That's probably why she's not going to baseball tonite. Argh!!!

right let's not let the boy's have false hope but you will think the worst instantly.
Maybe she is going to IC but is embarassed to say anything, maybe she is tired and just chilling out, maybe she is getting a life, maybe she has work to do.

I want to talk to her about this but am afraid that will just make it worse

Ya think the talking will make it worse? How has it worked for you so far?

You need to get out of your own head. How do you deal with setbacks at work?
If you call and ask what is up, I swear I will get a DB caravan heading to PA from across the country all wielding 2x4s. Just kidding CIPA, take care of yourself. Confront your fears they are not as powerful as you make them out to be. This won't last forever and it won't kill you.
You will enjoy your kids, root for both teams at the game and help someone else while you are there. You have a choice in how you handle this.
Cheers
Coach

[confusedinpa]

Everyone,

I appreciate all the "encouraging 2x4's". I know doing nothing but enjoying my time with the boys is the right thing to do.

The rain let up late this morning and it turned into a beautiful afternoon for baseball. The coaches were short players so they even let my 7 year old play (its normally for 3-5 year olds). Both the boys and I had a blast.

The game ended early enough so the boys could play outside at home for a bit before bath.

It still hurts but having the boys makes it easier to "fake it till I make it". It still hurts but I need to survive and thrive for the boys and I.
Thank you for the quick support

Coach - if you do get a DB caravan going, perhaps it can knock some sense into her as well.

[antlers]

Coach - if you do get a DB caravan going, perhaps it can knock some sense into her as well.

Nobody can knock some sense into her right now. There is nothing that anybody can say or do that will change her mind right now. I know it hurts, and I know it's hard. But, that's the reality of the situation.

She has to miss you! That takes time! She has to heal emotionally! That takes time!

It takes a lot more time than we want it to!

Leave her alone. Don't initiate any communication with her...if it takes a week, or if it takes a year! Don't do it!

[confusedinpa]

It's past the time that had been calling in the past. She hadn't done it every nite, but I think this is the first time she missed 2 nites in a row, if you don't count the days that we actually spend time together as a family.

I DID NOT call. I was tempted a few times, but know that it's not the right thing to do. I do have to remember I have to work tomorrow so I can't have a few drinks to try and take the edge off. Plus I know that's not that answer (AND NO THAT'S NOT WHAT I NORMALLY DO)

I am hurting today - I think the most since she moved out over 5 weeks ago. It doesn't make sense. I would have thought it would have gotten easier. Not harder.

Is this normal?!?!

[MrBond]

Yep.

That's why you need to try to get something to get your mind off of it. When I was living alone, the nights were the worst. I would surf the web and read until I was so tired that I couldn't stay awake any longer. I tried to do that rather than have a drink or use any other substitute.

Maybe you can load some meditative music onto your ipod and sleep with the headphones on.

I also posted something in the Midlife Crisis forum if you want to see if your W is suffering from an MLC, which I think she is at times.

[antlers]

It's past the time that had been calling in the past. She hadn't done it every nite, but I think this is the first time she missed 2 nites in a row, if you don't count the days that we actually spend time together as a family.

I DID NOT call. I was tempted a few times, but know that it's not the right thing to do. I do have to remember I have to work tomorrow so I can't have a few drinks to try and take the edge off. Plus I know that's not that answer (AND NO THAT'S NOT WHAT I NORMALLY DO)

I am hurting today - I think the most since she moved out over 5 weeks ago. It doesn't make sense. I would have thought it would have gotten easier. Not harder.

Is this normal?!?!

Hey friend.

First of all, who knows what her reasons are! She probably doesn't even know! They say and do what they feel at that exact moment! The only certainty, is that she's 'in the fog'.

Good! We're glad you didn't call. I know it's tempting, but you said it right..."it's not the right thing to do". One drink, or a Michelob Ultra, would be alright though.

I know...we know that you're hurting. Lots of us are hurting. We also know it doesn't make sense. It's too soon for it to get easier friend! It will get easier...later on down the line. This is a crisis for you...we understand. Lots of us here are experiencing a crisis too!

Yes...under the circumstances...it's normal. Patience, my man! It takes time, plain and simple, for things to get better for us. We've got to do the best we can while that time passes. We know how hard it is too!

[confusedinpa]

Well, don't know if Coach is going to set up a caravan for this one but she text me tonite asking if I was still up. I was on the phone with my aunt but after I got off the phone (about 15 minutes) I replied yes. She asked if I could talk. I replied yes

She called me right away. She started by saying how she was mad that I don't call her when I have the kids for her to say good nite like she does. I told her that I didn't know she wanted me to call her and she could call, like I do when she doesn't call me to say goodnite to the kids

She started giving reasons why its better for the parent who has the kids to call. I just said it seemed to make sense and thanked her for letting me know how she felt

She then started gripping about how the kids are really acting up at her place, last nite in particular. I almost said can you blame them considering how she turned their lives upside down. I just empathized with her.

Then she complained about how cold and miserable the weather was this morning and surprised how nice it got this morning. She asked how baseball went. I told her the boys and I had a blast and really talked up how fun it was.

She said that she had an appointment tonite that she had been trying to get so that's why she missed going. She didn't elaborate what it was nor did I pry. She did say she had leftovers for dinner, so maybe it wasn't a date. Maybe it was for therapy, or for her back, or for her hair or whatever. I can't waste my energy trying to figure it out

She then started talking about how busy it was at work. I didn't ask about trying to go to lunch. I just listened.

Then she talked about how the kids were talking about going bowling again. I said I was going to take them Sat so she was welcome to come. She said that she thinks its going to get confusing to the kids. She said we did 5 family things together in the last 10 days. I guess she really is taking what I said about adding to the hurt comment I made last week. Sigh. Guess its a case of be careful of what you wish for. I know its the right thing though

At that point I had enough so I said it was getting late so if there wasn't anything else, I was going to bed. She said no there wasn't so have a goodnite

Maybe I shouldn't have answered the text but at least I didn't try to talk about the relationship. I think...

I did try to follow Sandi's advice of just saying things once and don't let her ping pong the conversation. I tried to listen as much as possible

So is this going cause a Coach to rustle up a caravan?

[cire2]

Reread your post.

What did you do wrong?

Sounds like she's lonely and you kept it light without reacting. Also you left the conversation first.

BRAVO!!

cire

[MrBond]

You did really well except for this part...

"She called me right away. She started by saying how she was mad that I don't call her when I have the kids for her to say good nite like she does. I told her that I didn't know she wanted me to call her and she could call, like I do when she doesn't call me to say goodnite to the kids

She started giving reasons why its better for the parent who has the kids to call. I just said it seemed to make sense and thanked her for letting me know how she felt"

See how she's trying to control your actions again? What if you were at a movie or something? She shouldn't have to rely on you going to what's convenient for her. If you get a D, does she really think you're going to go based on her timeline? PLEASE!

You have to make her feel like how it's going to be when you're D. You're separated now. You don't have to jump through her hoops anymore. The sooner you show her that the better. She still has you wrapped around her finger.

[cire2]

Sorry to disagree with.stuck but I see it as diffusing an already agitated person. CIPA it sounds like you listened and understood the point W was making and stated that. Nothing wrong there and if she crosses a boundary or you feel controlled then let your actions set things straight.

Sounds as if she needs contact the way she deals with it is venting.

Stay with being dark/dim.

My GF texted me at 3:30am this morning saying "hi stranger" and then small talk about someone else doing work at the place she works instead of me. Asking me "shouldn't I be doing that". Now can you see how things are weighing on there minds as well. They will reach out in the most strange ways at the funkiest times.

They are dealing also and the hardest to deal with is ones self. Haven't you figured that out from all this. Isn't this the hardest thing you've ever done?

Stay strong

cire