I was a WAW....that just didn't go away. I left this marriage, in mind and spirit, 3 or 4 years ago. I was here, physically 'haunting' my house but my heart had grown cold and indifferent from years of built up resentments that I'd tried to express to my H but never saw them make a dent.
While my Hs 1st A was going on something inside me 'knew it' I even confronted him and he denied it, but all along I was right and at the time, I actually DIDN'T care, as long as he left ME alone. Back then, I didn't care if he was breathing or dead.
Then, when the bomb hit, and the A was no longer an indifferent suspicion but a reality...my smug, contented, "ice maiden" world shattered on the floor around me like shards of broken glass.
I had built such a wall around me, since the loss of my oldest son nine yrs ago, that no one and nothing got in....at least until my H tore it down with the truth of his A.
I have learned a lot about myself over these past 16 months since Bomb #1...some of it not very attractive, some of it pitiful, some of it inspiring but ALL of it character building, as painful as it's been.
These horrific times that all of us share on this board are really a golden opportunity for enlightenment, if only to come to terms with our own shortcomings, attributes and realizations.
We're all here to grow as better people, both for ourselves AND for our future relationships.
T2
Yes it was an awakening, I do feel more alive than I've felt for years.
Quote: While my Hs 1st A was going on something inside me 'knew it' I even confronted him and he denied it, but all along I was right and at the time, I actually DIDN'T care, as long as he left ME alone. Back then, I didn't care if he was breathing or dead.
I, also knew it inside, and asked H and he laughed. But I felt the same way you did, as long as he left me alone, I didn't care.
I think I can see why my H is hesitant to believe in the changes, I mean it's only been six months, you can't even have a baby in six months. I am 45, so to make such huge changes in six months is pretty amazing, isn't it? Part of it was also that I was tired, tired of being resentful, tired of being negative and I didn't want to live the second half of my life the way I lived most of the first half. Now the changes are for me and me alone, for better or worse, in sickness and health, in good times and bad, for the rest of my life. Amen
Why do I even answer the phone at work. He calls, he wants to know what my excuse was for not going to BIL's party Saturday night. And than uses it as reason for not coming back.."so how much longer are we going to do things separate?" "I might as well not come back if we're doing this"....what the heck does that mean? Out of the blue he says this, just because I had made plans to do something else Saturday night, I didn't want to go to BIL party by myself it's an hour drive.
H decides that he's going and can't come out and ask me if I want to go? I didn't even know S19 was going with him until Saturday morning because H told him to meet our house. Then H can't even say goodbye when he leaves! Has to play mind games with me last Friday about if I was going or not instead. He's unbelievable. I told him I had to get off the phone, he said why, I said because you're not being very nice to me. He asked me something else, I say again I have to go, wants to know why. I say because you're mad about something. Then tells me he went up to try to put tree stands up and nobody was around, so and so wasn't home, I didn't get anything done and my knees hurt, my back hurts, I'm getting old, blah, blah. No one's going to throw me a 50th b-day party, blah, blah, it's a year away for one thing!
I said why didn't you call me I would have helped you put them up. He said I don't want you to you have to watch S3, maybe I should have took him and he could have run around in the woods and gotten lost. Then, I don't care about S19, all he wants to do is drink, blah, blah, blah.
I should have said no I don't want you to come back home, I don't want your negative, poor me, attitude in our house anymore.
He then wanted to know of S3 asks about him? I said no he doesn't, he's young he's getting used to it. It's the truth, he doesn't ask about H, when he's going to be home, etc. he just knows he'll be by eventually..
I said to his "not coming back" H you have to decide, you know what I want. I've told you enough times you have to decide. He said I can't decide anything anymore or something like that...
Arghhhhh!!!! Do I have to take his calls at work anyway? He's never pleasant...
Cathy - did you stop to think maybe he was hurt or disappointed you weren't at the party? That he was looking forward to seeing you there, or that he got jealous thinking maybe you were out with another man?
This morning I told him I didn't feel wanted there and that was why I didn't go..he shut up when I said that. The invitation was to all of us and the conversation on Friday was that he didn't care if I went. This was Friday, also he said, "you won't be with me" so when he said that I didn't want to go..he hurt my feelings.
You see we both do this little dance where neither of us will come right out and say what we want....do you follow me...AND we're stilling doing it!!
Oh I'm sure he was disappointed, but maybe because it made him look bad in front of his family. They were back by 10 pm anyway. Which means they had to leave there by 9. Tried to blame it on his S19 wanting to leave the party...
Maybe YOU can't see it..but I can. Your H sounds very very confused. They all get so completely lost after they've messed up their lives this way that they really don't know which way to turn from one minute to the next. Your Hs insecurity about your being able to 'accept' him again, after his dismal life choices of late, keep him spinning with fear of rejection from YOU.
All this back and forth is not nearly as one sided as you might think. It's not all in his court...a great deal of it's in yours.
He's waiting for you to validate him. He needs to feel safe that YOU aren't always looking at him or thinking that he's a world class loser because of what he's done. His reaction to his sense of being rejected by you in any way is to revert back to his MEness. Which, ironically, is what probably built up your resentment to him that started this whole cycle going on between the two of you.
WE have to break the old patterns by responding differently to THIER OLD behaviors when they rear their ugly heads.
It's a whole lot of work for us, there's no doubt about that, but sounds to me like your H is screaming for a little reassurance too, despite the fact that YOU need it more. Remember...they're like "kids"...and we're the grownups. T2
First of all, I'm happy for you and your H, even though you are scared, I know you can do this. If it were me I would be scared, too. So being scared is probably a good thing and this wonderful bb is here for you
Quote: It's a whole lot of work for us, there's no doubt about that, but sounds to me like your H is screaming for a little reassurance too, despite the fact that YOU need it more. Remember...they're like "kids"...and we're the grownups.
I want to whine a little bit...why do I have to do everything, why do I have to be the one to do all the work, why, why, why. I want someone to take care of me, I want H to be happy and up beat around me, to make me feel good, to say he loves me, to say he cares about me...I want that too. Okay, enough whining, because I am the strong one and will continue to be the strong one, I will continue to do the work for both of us...at least for now.
It's Monday, I'm a little tired, and maybe have a little bit of an attitude about this whole situation..oh no I'm backsliding
I'm going to put myself out there today and ask H to go to a concert with me at the end of October,give him time to think about it...should I????
Quote: I want to whine a little bit...why do I have to do everything, why do I have to be the one to do all the work, why, why, why. I want someone to take care of me, I want H to be happy and up beat around me, to make me feel good, to say he loves me, to say he cares about me...I want that too.
HA HA HA
i wanna join you in that chorus. oh wait, i am working on inner peace today... kitti
Okay first of all I have to ask, did you write that post or just cut and paste it off one of mine. LOL
WE ALL ask ourselves those questions. WHY do we have to do all the work? WHY are we the ones knocking ourselves out trying to salvage a M that our spouses didn't put nearly as much creedance in?
WE DO IT because WE'RE the ones who still retain our moral compasses. WE DO IT because WE'RE the ones that haven't lost our way, gone over the edge or lost our sanity temporarily like they have. WE DO IT because we look inward instead of outward for relief from our pain and unhappiness. WE DO IT because, as YOU said, we are the strong ones.
We CAN lead our horse to water...and eventually WE can get them to not only drink it, but to like it too.
If you think you'll get a YES than ask him to the concert. If you aren't sure he'll respond positively then don't. Any situation you put yourself in that MAY result in a negative, will only bring you down. So keep your expectations in their proper perspective (prepared for indecision or a no on his part) so that if he doesn't jump at the invite you won't be hurt personally...remember anything that looks, smells or hints at commitment to them scares the beejezus out of them in the beginning. T2
I want to whine a little bit...why do I have to do everything, why do I have to be the one to do all the work, why, why, why. I want someone to take care of me, I want H to be happy and up beat around me, to make me feel good, to say he loves me, to say he cares about me...I want that too.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Because you are the only sane one that realized the M was important and worth saving... remember? This is the only choice you have, and hopefully, in the future some time, all of this WILL come true.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
