Back again for some sage advice!

[SDFoundGirl]

I just don’t know what to do, I want to feel connected, and I want to feel that I love him deeply; I don’t know what to do to get that back and feel those things again for him.
I do love him don’t get me wrong, but I just feel that there is something so large that is missing.
Thanks!

I think what you're feeling is pretty common among us LBS. We put so much energy into saving the M, and when our H's leave we want to hold on to that connection. Then, they return, there's a lot of relief and then...

Well, life happens. And we don't see the same level of commitment to keep on working on the M as we put in during the left behind phase...either that, or it fades away. We also feel safe out of the crisis, and that's when we deal with our own pre-existing or current dissatisfactions about the M. Our S seems bewildered when we're still worried or wanting to work on things...after all, they're back, so it's fixed right? I think the WAS does learn things...but they don't go through what we go through, so they don't get it.

I feel this way a lot. Where it's appropriate, I take the initiative to bring up things I want to discuss--one example is H's continued friendship with the woman he was pursuing after the bomb. Sometimes it's scary, but it's my responsibility to bring things up I want to work on or change instead of waiting for my H.

Other things, those things that have to do with my own feelings of connection or disconnection, are my responsibility to work on. If there are things I'd like my H to do, I ask for them. Otherwise I continue to look for the root cause of my feelings. What am I doing that may be getting in my way regarding connecting with my H? For me, I know it's holding on to the past...of sometimes keeping tabs on my H...I realized the other day I actually feel better when I find something because it gives me an excuse to keep my walls up. It wasn't intentional, but I had to examine what I was doing to figure out what was really going on.

I don't know if this helps, but it's been true for me. We expect something different...so what would that something different look like for you? And what steps could you take to make it happen?

SD