With reference to your W's inability to say she's sorry etc., you said, "I can't figure out how or even if I should try to explore this with her. "
I have found for MYSELF that they will NOT willingly become introspective. They are so dug down in their self righteousness with regard to how they 'react' to the world and to us, that they cling to their misconceptions in order to find their strength. Thier selfishness, inexcusable behaviors and hurtfulness become their defense shield. The hide behind that shield in order to keep reality and truth from hitting them squarely in the face.
We can try to coddle them, cajole them, convince them ad naseum to 'see the light' but they won't...at least NOT until something really rocks THEIR little world.
They can't/don't 'hear' what we have to say because WE are to close to them. THEY are to vulnerable around US...so we get the brunt of all their pain.
I have learned the hard way through this process that very little of what I say or do has had nearly as much impact on my H's changing, as has my H's slowly coming to see for himself, the destructiveness and dishonor of his life's choices. Those self realizations are what's impacting/changing him in some measure now, NOT what I've said or done. Oh, I think some of what I've said is now ringing in his ears, but ONLY because now he is beginning to see things for himself, on his own.
T2
