I don't know if my experience might be helpful or relevant, but your footrubs strike an intuition...
My M was an SSM (1x per month maximum) for 8 years. I was so angry with my H for not making love to me, for not "taking me." Reading Schnarch's comments about being "chosen" hit home for me. I was angry all the time and so many things he did, in my eyes, was wrong. My disgust with him stemmed from lack of intimacy, lack of passion, and ignorance on both of our parts with regard to what each other needed.
My H would try to "warm things up" as you put it with similar things like back-rubs or foot rubs, or sometimes in bed he would lightly place his hand on my hip and just freeze there. He never just took me. When he did these little things to try and warm me up, I felt as if he was giving me some lame cue that he was about to get ready to make his big move. I also felt as if he was testing my mood and my receptiveness before actually initiating. It turned me off bigtime.
I really, really needed him to be deliberate and confident. I needed him to take what he wanted from me, and to break through my barriers of anger and coldness that had been built up from years of feeling neglected. In essence, by giving me a back rub, or by asking "Are you tired?," he was making ME choose HIM. He was making me decide if it was going to be OK for him to approach me. Schnarch explains this beautifully.
Another important point is that my H and I were great friends and great roommates, but there was little day-to-day intimacy and flirtation. I needed to be "warmed up" consistently so that I was willing and ready for him to swoop in and carry me off to the Casbah. I needed to feel pursued and wanted, and I felt none of that until the dreaded footrub came along...
We've turned all of this around through some tough discussions, lots of reading, and hard work. Now I relish the footrub and backrub, because there is loving flirtation all the time. These things are no longer seen as passive cues.
I wish more people who were feeling the way I was in my SSM found this board before walking away.
I could be way off and completely wrong. I felt it was important to share my perspective with you to consider just in case it could be relevant. Perhaps it might shed some light on what your W might be feeling, missing, wishing for, searching for.
