It's at times like this where you reflect on the good and bad in your life. For a long time on this board I did a lot of 'good'. I'm proud of that, At the time I felt strong. I had 'DB'ed my marriage and was a 'success'.
Except that I wasn't. I had just 'fixed' it, brought it back to the previous status where I carried the load for every problem. Alone.
I isolated, drank too much in the evening and ran away emotionally. W did what she always did. Withdraw, complain, give token 'support'.
After the bomb in 01/08 when I was already as far down as I thought I could ever be I fell farther. For the next year we went through several 'phases'. Anger. Friendly, Anger, sad. She had one EA and finally a PA that continues today.
Me, well I just stayed 'stuck'. In a pain I couldn't handle any more. Up until a couple months ago I stayed there. Medicating to send it away for a few hours.
A lot of people gave me a lot of advice that I couldn't act upon. I got angry and judgemental. Picked fights with a couple men on the board and even though I apologized I still feel ashamed at how much I had fallen.
I'm not sure which friends I've alienated. I don't want to put anyone on the spot by asking. So, for anyone I've hurt or insulted, please accept my sincere amends.
Moving on, I'm working on getting past the anger in my life. Forgiving STBXW and forgiving myself.
Putting Diamond down today at 5 will suck, but she'll be no longer suffering.
