What alive said, wasn't trying to be a downer, but I did not want to sugar coat anything on how your sitch reads to me. I think you have great plans for this week!
Well...H called today in a near panic. He is literally freaking out about the finances...panicing actually. While part of me is trying not to say "THIS IS WHAT YOU GET A@#HOLE!!!!"...the other part of me was calm, reassuring that everything would work out and friendly. He was in such a bad/stressed mood. Trying to figure out what we were going to do...he wasn't even talking sensibly...he just kept saying that he didn't know what to do and that everything was all F'ed up. HE was asking ME what I was going to do about a house and I was like I don't know because I am in financial limbo too. DAMN! This makes me so mad. He brought all of this on by being the WAS. HE was trying EVERYTHING to figure out what to do...but did he mention once giving up his new place? NO. Did he mention ONCE possibly coming home?? NO! Did he even act like maybe he was wrong and this was a bad idea in the first place? NO. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!! It is all crashing down on him financially...but emotionally he doesn't seem to give a [censored]. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!! Did I act upset or fight about any of the above? NO. I was calm, cool and collected. I even said..."don't stress TOO much, we will figure it all out." Being a woman that only a fool would leave is hard. Being the fool seems alot easier.
Aaargh, can we just know that we relate to each other so we don't have to keep saying it.
I've said "we will figure it out" and things like that and you know, I don't know that it makes sense in retrospect. Maybe you can let him stress (instead of telling him no to). I am the same way and I know it seems wifely, but you are bummed that he is not feeling the emotional effects of this and at the same time, trying to calm his anxiety. Maybe it wont be ok. Maybe he needs to f'ing get real.
I think that calm, cool and collected is great. Affirmations or validations, great. "I know this is very stressful" etc. I have the same impulses you do but should I be the person that takes the edge off? Not sure. There are varying schools of thought on that. But, for me, since that is who I was in R and H did see that as emasculating, I need a different approach. How about, "I know YOU'LL figure it out..."
You are doing great. I am just giving you my opinion. PLUS, you do not know what he is feeling. You just don't.
Also, imagine the build up to him leaving. Now, here is, feeling like a failure and he's stuck. He is not going to first thing go to "I blew it, I shouldn't have done this." He is going to struggle to make it work and make it make sense and save face and feel right in his decision. You know? If he does come back, should it be because he doesn't have the money to finance the life he really wants? Sometimes I don't give a cr*p, I just want H home but, without any growth? Not sure. Give it some time.
Being a woman that only a fool would leave is hard. Being the fool seems alot easier.
How true!! You did well with the conversation. Calm, cool, collected. I like what Alive said about switching it up... instead of 'we'll work through this' affirm for him that you're sure he can figure something out. He needs to take some responsibility, and you can show confidence in his ability to resolve it.
Great in the convo, but you might also want to add a little more responsibility to him, like, I will try my best in the situation that I find myself in, but you are going to have to figure something out, maybe end with a chuckle. A little stress on them from themselves is good, do not try to ease it too much.
People naturally move away from stress, as long as your the easy way out of his stress, that is a good thing.
Good point, all of you...reaffirming my need to comfort...although in R I would have normally stressed out too and said "[censored]! What are we gonna do...you better figure it out!!!" And basically just stresses him out more. Trust me, he is feeling it HARD and wouldn't have called me otherwise. I was definately NOT overly comforting...just more matter of fact. so...I felt that he was feeling out of control and trying to tell me that the finances were too much for him to handle. Not that I actually feel bad for this, but in the R I have never done any of the financial work, even when I could tell at times that he was overwhelmed...or when he actually even told me that himself! So...trying to have a little more backbone was a 180 or so I thought. Also, I decided that this is the time I need to pull out the L card...and see what happens. He needs to know that I am not going to just stand by when he is screwing up our finances. So I am trying to find a L to talk to ASAP. (I probably should have done this awhile ago I know!) ANyway...tonight might be a hard one. He is picking the girls up and taking them for the weekend. (I am going to visit my Grandma who is in the hospital...she's 90!!) D8 already told me of SO many plans that they have with their Dad for the weekend. And of course it was a blow...crushing actually. I am going to get ready now for my "night out"...gotta look extra hot tonight. Oh, and I am going to ask for my house key back. I will probably be back here when he takes them with mascara down my face in my pretty dress posting on DB and how pitiful I am. I hope they don't get too used to being without me. By the way, does anyone think it is a bad idea for me to casually (NON-emotionally) mention to H that I DO NOT want him bringing anyone around the kids...since it is his first overnight weekend with them...I REALLY don't think that he would but I thought that if I mentiion it as "we" need to agree that it is not cool to do that...he might wonder.....???? Thoughts?
Not sure on the timing of that last item. I think you are entitled to ask for that and hope he would stick to the agreement but I'd make it quick and snappy and light.
Unfortunately, I think he'll do what he wants regardless but ya, making a mutual agreement might help and get him thinking about that it goes both ways.
The weekend thing...I know...all I can offer is a virtual hug. Can you go do something?
hey there. you are so sweet. thanks for asking. so....update...I did what I said I might. The other night when I posted that I was going to say we shouldn't bring anyone around the kids...I wasn't sure if it was a good idea. But I went ahead and said (as he was picking up the kids) "hey...I just want you to know, as a mother I want to make sure we are clear that we should not bring anyone else around the kids yet...since you are having them for the weekend, I felt like mentioning that". (anyone else meaning another woman of course...) He responded by saying "who do you think I would bring???" and that he would never do that and that it would be a LONG time before he would even think about it...and that I should know he would never do that. I said that I didn't know what he would/would not do these days. It was weird because at that point we were standing really close together and he was looking right into my eyes. I said "ok then...BYE!" and I walked away. He took the kids and I didn't talk to him again till the next night (friday) when I called the girls to see how they were. He answered the phone saying "Hey Mama!" (something he always used to say to me)...and I just said hi and asked to talk to the girls. I talked to them each for a second and they said they were playing with our friends (another family we always hang out with) and they got off the phone pretty quick. This made me sad of course and I started to cry. H called back and said sorry, they were totally preoccupied. I said "no worries...talk to you later, bye." So, then I went home and balled my eyes out. I fell asleep early, feeling pretty crappy. So today I went to work and had a good day. I went out with my boss for drinks and called the girls just before I left. They were having fun and said that Daddy bought them each a fish. D8 named hers Swimmy and D6 named hers Flippy but Flippy died already. It was funny, sad but funny! I felt happy they were having fun...but it was hard of course. Then D6 said "here's Daddy" and I said "no...I gotta go, i love you" and I hung up...not speaking to H at all. Then I went out and had some drinks and fun with my boss and some friends. At about 11:30 tonight when i was out..I get a text from H. Random...he says he was "never more proud of us than when we moved into our first house together and felt like a family and that he was able to provide for us. and that he was looking at old pics and was sad." I was taken aback abd didn't know what to think or say or how or IF to respond. So...I waited almost an hour and finally responded with "I have always thought of you as a good provider...goodnight". Holy crap...I am floored. I am happy he finally reached out and showed me emotion (one of my DB goals)...but am not sure that I should have responded at all. I just felt like if I didn't respond at all...that I would be rejecting his effort to reach out. So, I responded neutrally, I think. Any thoughts?
