I have been reading stories on hear for about a week and have read DR trying to learn what to do to save my marriage but I feel that it may be to late with all the information I am finding out this week. I look forward to hearing from everyone in guiding me through what I need to do to get my WAW to hopefully change her mind.
I am 38 year old male and my wife is 31 years old. We have been married 5.5 years. It has been good and bad. The first years were good, the middle years were tough (previous affair by wife, house was broken into and we moved family which lead to a later bankruptcy because we couldn't pay mortgage and rent and all the bills). The last year and a half have not been so good. Wife has been questioning things for a long time and we had some talks. I told her that I would address her concerns and try to change but I never seemed to get to changing or trying which I believe is what caused her to walk-away because I believe there is so much resentment and anger and she does not believe me that I will change.
Her concerns were my relationship with my step-son. It has been OK but I now see after a month and a half of separation that it could have been better. He is 15 yrs old. She has always had a concern but I told her that in some ways I am still learning how to be a good father. My father was not around during my teen years because of a divorce. I understand that I need to be more active in his life.
Another concern is the lack of intimacy and spontaneous. This is another thing that I understand now and where I made mistakes after reading DR and some other relationship books. I always believed that we enjoyed each other when we had sex but I guess I did not initiate it enough, which really bothered her.
She has been trying for a long time to get me to change but I see now that there were problems on both sides. One thing that really hurt us was being on different shifts for work. I was always afraid to initiate sex because I knew she needed her rest.
After reading DR, I understand that I may have been a depressed spouse after going through a lot of these issues in the last few years and that also the fear of losing her may have prevented me from acting in addressing her concerns. I believe that over time of not reacting, I really pushed her away.
Now, she is in an affair with OM. She said that she wants a divorce which I believe will be getting filed in two weeks. I think she is planning on moving within three months with OM. She will be giving up a great job also. I also believe that she is planning a wedding in the not to distance future.
She told me that the affair started at the end of February as an EA. Based on phone records, that looks accurate. I believe the physical affair started at the beginning of April when she said she wanted to end our relationship. Two weeks later, she took off her wedding ring. She got a separate phone because I freaked out over her sending over 1500 text messages.
I believe she is running away as fast as she can because she cannot deal with the pain she has caused and that she said she is done and does not want to give me any more chances because she does not believe I will change.
We still live together for now for economic reasons but she wants me to move out. I do not want to and want to work things out. I understand what happened and I forgive her but she will not forgive me. There is very little communication lately. I have been trying to practice DR ideas since I was doing everything wrong in the first three weeks of separation. Sometimes she will sleep in the bed and sometimes on the couch but there is not physical relationship. I would like there to be one but I do not want to push her anymore.
Please give me your guidance. Should I leave her a heart-felt letter telling what I have learned about myself and our relationship? I have not done that yet but I need her to know. I have not said anything about our R in three weeks. I know that I cannot do it face-to-face because I am too emotional.
Please help. If I only have a few months, I need to react now!
