The interesting part is that when you were under the effect's of the "bomb" you were more "appealing". You were more vibrant. To me that was the true you. I still can't really understand what went "wrong" when he said "I want back in". You should not have changed.. and yet somehow you did. It was a slow slide and I remember all the stuff that came along with him saying those words. It still points to the fact that you can stand out and pull just about anyone you want to you. Someone (SC I think) once said.. Life gives us multiple chances to screw up.. so we can get it right. I mean things have "changed" for you.. but have they really "changed".. or do you feel like you are back at square one?"
Thanks Cory.(Did you see I send a message to FB calling him a F@cking Guru? LOL Sorry fb2...)
You are sooo right about this. Ever since he said he wants back, I felt like drugged in the mud again. I cant explain it. His biorythms are so slow, my behavior is so difefrent when he is around. It's like his presence, his wants, his way of operating all these years put me in a box, against my fun self. I have said here before that a friend at work told me once after going on vacation together with our families that to her it was shocking how I am not the same person when he is around. I lose my humor, my mojo, my wit, my sexy side. The exact things that attracted him in the first place to me. How is that possible? I dont know.
The only thing I can think of is I expect myself to be the "man" when I am around him and I have to be serious and trustworthy and on duty. I feel like I cant be feminine and lighthearted and fun. Everything is so flat with him. NO excitement, no desires, nothing. And it only took him weeks to get me back to this uncomfortable place again.
You should see the way I dress. Last summer I was all dresses, make up, high heels, slim, shinning. This week I got fed up wearing pants all the time and tried to bring that "style" back. People at work immediately noticed. He is not around to notice but even if he does, he never comments. So, BECAUSE I am such a dork, subconcioulsy, I think I have no reason to do all these things since he never compliments me (see my LL) ignoring the fact that I feel better when I do. I "caught" that one lately and changing it already. (Today I got several compliments on making my eyes stand out more with make up )
I think we 've been stuck in these roles for so long, its automatic now when we are in the same room. He brings out the worst in me. Excuse me for using cheesy phrases, but around him, I am like a dying flower, when I am alone or with someone that I feel appreciates me, I blossom. And that cant be good. M
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Excuse me for using cheesy phrases, but around him, I am like a dying flower, when I am alone or with someone that I feel appreciates me, I blossom. And that cant be good.
