Calling him was one of those things I regretted once I left the voicemail. I wrestled with making the call, but did anyway. The thing with calling his cell phone is, if I don't leave a message then he knows I called anyway doesn't he, if it's shut off--that missed call thing? Maybe not. So I hate to make the call and then hang up. And, it was a pursuing thing, I felt it inside..need to trust my intuition more.
Quote: That said tho, I'm concerned about being around when he is in one of his temperamental moods and calling you names.
I just feel so trapped, so attacked and yesterday it was really hard to not attack back. Why is dbing so much easier when he's not around? Dbing for real is most definitely harder. I felt scared when he attacked, fear took over my body, I could feel it and I felt like a trapped animal.
I do have plans this weekend, tonight a fish fry at my parents with sibs, tomorrow night a party at gf's house for football and drinks. Sunday I'm thinking of driving up to visit a friend, he fell from his tree stand last weekend and broke his pelvis, in my H's hometown and possibly stopping into see H's parents. I was thinking of calling H to see if he'd like to join us on Sunday...good idea? Bad idea? I didn't bring any of my plans up with H last night either. He did tell me he had to work tomorrow though...to call or not to call. Is it pursuing or not? He also needs to put up tree stands, which he might do this weekend, even so I'd like to help him...should I offer. Maybe something like, I'm thinking of going to (hometown) on Sunday to visit so and so who is also is a friend of H's on then visiting your parents, would you like to go with us? Or, if say the above and then say if you're going to be up there putting up tree stands I can come and help if you need help with them? Can you tell I'm a little put off by yesterday's interaction about the phone call? Part of me doesn't want to, wants to just back off completely and the other part says to try to draw him back.
about your inquiry of asking h to join you... have you tried it before? how has it worked out? my initial thoughts would be to go and do your own thing don't bother to invite or even let him know unless of course he does ask then you can let him know he's welcome to join you.
I must ask...was it h's habit in the past to call you such names "moron" "retarded" etc...or is this a manifestation of the "alien" mind?
Quote: I just feel so trapped, so attacked and yesterday it was really hard to not attack back.
Earlier today:
Quote: He then said it again to which I replied playfully "make me" He came over and grabbed my foot to try to pull me out of the chair.
I kinda forgot about this, but you might have stumbled onto something here! It seemed to work to lighten up his mood.
Quote: ...to call or not to call. Is it pursuing or not?
Again from the earlier post:
Quote: He also wanted to know why I was mowing the grass and cleaning? I said I didn't want to have to do it this weekend, he then wanted to know if I was having company and who it was? I didn't answer.
Calling him could be consider pursuit, but he did open the door for you when he inquired about why you mowed the lawn. You could have let him know what you have planned for this weekend and then say, You're welcome to join me if you're interested.
So the next time he asks what are you doing, use it to let him know you're living your life and invite him to join in.
I can understand about being put off. That's why it hard to tell in what direction you should go in. All I can suggest is when he is being mean, back off so he knows its the way that he is treating you that is pushing you away. Then when he's nicer, work on drawing him closer.
After all, you are working towards creating the time together as good times ... where when he parts company, he feels good about being with you.
Quote: I must ask...was it h's habit in the past to call you such names "moron" "retarded" etc...or is this a manifestation of the "alien" mind?
Unless he's been alien for years....years. He thinks it's okay, too. Which is a red mark on the "not take him back" list. I don't want him to treat S3 like he treated S19. At least S19 is standing up to H now.
Quote: have you tried it before? how has it worked? /quote]
Not since the beginning of August, he was pretty nice about what I did ask him, and it was to do something with me. Otherwise he likes to say no a lot. It has to be his idea and always has had to be that way. Rarely would he want do to something when I suggest it, but then suggest it later himself.
I think we're both doing a lot of mind reading here.... H called to thank me for helping him with the sink last night I said you did most of the work.
We talked about surprise b-day party for BIL tomorrow night, H wanted to take S with him. I said won't people ask where I am and what are you going to tell them? He said what do you want me to tell them. I said I don't know he then asked if I wanted to go. I said yes, but you'll be there, too and he said "not with me" so I didn't understand what he meant. So I said drive up and then drive back. H then said, well before I left you somebody, meaning me, said they didn't like to stay over night there and couldn't sleep, I said things change and besides one night isn't going to kill me. It's a smokey bar so H really doesn't want to take S anyway and I did have plans to go to my friends to watch football anyway.
He then said are you happy with your life? I said yes I am. He said are you happy that I'm gone? I said not particularly. He knows I miss him and still care about him. He then mentioned three things I was doing in the next few weeks and I said you don't want to do things with me so I'm going to do them anyway. He just said yeppp, and then said he had to go. We hung on for a little while and I then said I'll talk to you later and we both hung up.
Why won't he say whats on his mind! Why won't he just tell me he sees I'm different! Why, why, why!! I am soo sick of this whole thing. Why can't I just come out and say come back home, I haven't in awhile, but he knows that's what I want. Why do I have to keep telling him over and over. Why can't he have the guts to come out and say he made a mistake and he wants to move back home rather than all these mind games.
Arghhh!!!!!
Why does when he say "when I left you" making it sound like it's all my fault...it hurts to hear this even after six months.
Why does he do this to me, he's hurting me on purpose, I hate the way he makes me feel.
Another part of the conversation when I said I would have liked to go to the party. I said I would have like to have gone, but then you wouldn't have. He then said why would you want to do anything with me, I'm so mean..which is what I said last night. I then said "well you are mean sometimes" it's the truth...sorry I had to say it to him, but he is mean. I know it was being critical and I should have bit my tongue or said it differently.
Oh Cathy,
The way I think H sees it, bridges were being burnt when M was falling apart. Now he looks across over the smoldering structure wondering if there is ever a way to get back. He doesn't know if he has done to much damage or if he can step over cindered boards.
Its gonna take him some time to figure out if and how to get back across and is probably looking for some encouragement that you will be still be there if he takes the journey.
No matter how he expresses himself, don't make hem read your mind. Answer his questions truthfully and clearly as possible.
Cath, I think you telling your H how mean he was the other night was the RIGHT thing to do...he HEARD it, didn't he? He even asked you later what was it in his tone that made you think he was yelling?
Seems to me that PART of your H's problem is that he doesn't HEAR himself...it's NOT yelling to him, it's no big deal to call you an idiot etc.
Tell me, Cath, is this kind of how his family is? My pal H's husband D can cut her to the quick with his cruel words. He's even used the B and C words ...
It is NOT an excuse, but H (my pal) had a major insight in watching D interact with his family (father, mother, brothers)...they ALL yell and belittle each other...it's the way they grew up, it's their family "norm".
Thus he can be very clueless as to the hurting power of his words and tone. I must confess that in my M, it was ME who was the more verbally abusive, I too was raised by sarcastic yellers.
What is my point? I guess it's to TRY not to take his comments too much to heart, while at the same time being persistent in drawing your boundaries. Those kinds of comments are NOT ACCEPTABLE...
Have you tried to just tell him how his words make you feel?
As in "When you call me an idiot, I feel like a child being scolded by a parent, and it really hurts"
He can't deny you your FEELINGS, can he? And it seems to me that he's curious about how his actions affect you.
Likewise for the "what did you do all day?" queries. INAPPROPRIATE!! Especially since he's not living with you!!!
That too would make me feel like I was a kid with Mom and her list of "things to do around the house" hanging over my head.
So perhaps a combination approach would be best. Using humour seemed to deflate his anger some, that's good. ("what did you do all day?" ..."I solved world hunger, and even had time to file my nails how about you?" ...)
But also making it clear, in a non-heated manner that his current/ongoing behaviours are not acceptable, and why, and then perhaps retreat if necessary?
Quote: Its gonna take him some time to figure out if and how to get back across and is probably looking for some encouragement that you will be still be there if he takes the journey.
This is what my sis has been saying all along...he's afraid you're not going to wait for him. Thus the reason he wants to know what I'm doing, the bf questions, am I happy, etc.
The fact that he thanked me for helping him with the faucett was a giant step! I mean a huge step since I don't think he's ever thanked me for helping him with anything in a long, long, long time. So there was the one major positive that came from the conversation earlier wasn't it.
Quote: He doesn't know if he has done to much damage or if he can step over cindered boards.
In a way he makes it sound like he left because I wasn't happy or left to see if I would be happier without him there...I don't know.
Quote: The way I think H sees it, bridges were being burnt when M was falling apart. Now he looks across over the smoldering structure wondering if there is ever a way to get back. He doesn't know if he has done to much damage or if he can step over cindered boards.
Hmmm this is really good. "if he has done to much damage" if H wants to he can do anything. I know it's going to be hard for him at first, but things will get easier, I don't think he realizes that or thinks he's worth it.
But, thanks KAW for making me feel better. I love the way you word things.
I said you did most of the work. 
...)
