Cath, I think you telling your H how mean he was the other night was the RIGHT thing to do...he HEARD it, didn't he? He even asked you later what was it in his tone that made you think he was yelling?
Seems to me that PART of your H's problem is that he doesn't HEAR himself...it's NOT yelling to him, it's no big deal to call you an idiot etc.
Tell me, Cath, is this kind of how his family is? My pal H's husband D can cut her to the quick with his cruel words. He's even used the B and C words ...
It is NOT an excuse, but H (my pal) had a major insight in watching D interact with his family (father, mother, brothers)...they ALL yell and belittle each other...it's the way they grew up, it's their family "norm".
Thus he can be very clueless as to the hurting power of his words and tone. I must confess that in my M, it was ME who was the more verbally abusive, I too was raised by sarcastic yellers.
What is my point? I guess it's to TRY not to take his comments too much to heart, while at the same time being persistent in drawing your boundaries. Those kinds of comments are NOT ACCEPTABLE...
Have you tried to just tell him how his words make you feel?
As in "When you call me an idiot, I feel like a child being scolded by a parent, and it really hurts"
He can't deny you your FEELINGS, can he? And it seems to me that he's curious about how his actions affect you.
Likewise for the "what did you do all day?" queries. INAPPROPRIATE!! Especially since he's not living with you!!!
That too would make me feel like I was a kid with Mom and her list of "things to do around the house" hanging over my head.
So perhaps a combination approach would be best. Using humour seemed to deflate his anger some, that's good. ("what did you do all day?" ..."I solved world hunger, and even had time to file my nails how about you?" ...)
But also making it clear, in a non-heated manner that his current/ongoing behaviours are not acceptable, and why, and then perhaps retreat if necessary?
...)