Magnificent

[ernest88]

OMG! You are right.

well it's what i think..it may not be right..

It is a pattern and I missed it.

you don't know batchitt crazy like I know batchitt crazy

In my stupid, bass ackward mind I didn't catch it.

I don't really believe that..I think that is a Venus thing..IMO..i think women are caring and nuturing which leads to being played sometimes..

So, in other words, now I've stuck myself in a situation I have no graceful way of exiting. How do I set boundaries now? It feels too late for that. I have to just let him keep sponging off me until he gets a better deal and leaves again still with no support for his son.

I don't think that is necessarily correct either..i think you two sit down, have a talk..set a date..

you would think I would have learned a long time ago to never offer kindness to him. My empathetic ways will kill me someday.

nah..it's not the kindness thing..it's learning to not let him take advantage of you...he's done it before and he will continue to try at times...

It's probably from my complete lack of self-respect and self-esteem. That has to be why I never see what I'm doing as harmful to myself. Grrrrr.....there is no way to stop this is there? Good grief!

ahhh..you know better..I can't even address that..as I say occasionally..."save the drama for your momma" . you've grown lots and lots...you have patterns also from the M..you have to relearn how to deal with Gabe..from an outsider's looking in viewpoint..

I realized upon reading that I had never had any of those things and have no idea what that would even look like. That's just sad! My life was just what it was...ho hum. Existing. It still is. I think to myself "what do I want to do? How do I want to live my life? What will make me feel happy?" When I think about that I draw a total blank. I have no idea. The sad fact is, I don't think I've ever been completely happy and fulfilled so I have no idea what it would take to get there. My fear is that I'll never know what that is because I have no vision. YUCK!

nah..I look at all that as a fun and exciting thing to figure out....you just need time to figure things out...for things to slow so you'll have time to figure things out...

patterns, patterns, patterns......so If you called Gabe out..what do you think he would do?? Best guess?? Would he guilt you?? Lie?? Say your cousin lied? Say he wanted to reconcile??

I have one more question...you two had a conversation the other day..maybe by text or on the phone, I can't remember...but why would he call you.."baby"? Why would you call an ex wife..."baby"???

Listen..protect yourself and Marc..protect your heart, know what you want, set boundaries...

[kat727]

Start by making a list of things that you want to do, places that you want to see. You may not be able to do all these things soon but at least you have the ideas in place.

What is your favorite color? Paint one of your rooms that color or if it is a bold color make it your focus wall. Small changes are just the beginning but you will begin to feel it and so will the others around you. Try not to be overwhelmed with the stuff, one thing at a time. Make room for the happiness in your life.

kat

kat

[naej]

Hi Mish, perhaps you could start with what you don't want, or things that make you unhappy then approach it from the other side so to speak.
Don't feel so bad I think quite a few of us don't have any set goals for happiness, maybe more for peace and contentment. Are they so different?
Life isn't something we go along with thinking am I happy, but we usually know when we arn't.
Vision for the future is often hard to find when our immediate concerns are food on the table and paying bills. To just get by is as far as our vision goes, anything else we put in the realms of pipe dreams.
Happiness for me doesn't have to be something earth shattering or exciting, it can be found in simple pleasures like coming back from church with the Sunday papers and making some fresh coffee and a delicious danish pastry.
I am sure you have such times or similar. Don't be hard on yourself,it is not a complete lack of self respect it is a kind heart, but just be aware of him taking advantage.
I don't think it is too late to ask how long he will be staying or to say something like you don't want Marc to get to used to this arrangement so you thought he could be gone by.....

I always used to drop coins in the beggar with his dog begging bowl,knowing he went to the pub as soon as he had enough, now I put a tin of dog food down! Yep I am smart.
You can sort this, you don't have to just accept it.

[mishka422]

I have one more question...you two had a conversation the other day..maybe by text or on the phone, I can't remember...but why would he call you.."baby"? Why would you call an ex wife..."baby"???

I took it as a figure of speech, nothing more. He's never called me 'baby' ever. He's not a sweet talker. His nickname for me used to be 'pood' (as in pudding) so it definitely wasn't that. EEEEEWWWWW...sick thought. I wonder if he calls the broom baby.....YUCK! GROSS!

I know there is no reconciliation coming. I don't want that and I'm sure he doesn't either. It just frustrates me to think that he is still with her and yet he isn't living there anymore. Why? Why? Why? Why? Ok, answers I'll never get..I know. Let it go. Let him keep sponging and give up on getting him out.

You all know what happened to the last deadline he had (and it was even in legal documents) - he didn't get a job, didn't start paying child support, and now pays absolutely nothing. NOTHING! I told him it was until he finds something else. Last night I heard him say to Marc, "When I move out I hope you at least keep your room cleaned up." He has no illusions either. He said it out loud to his son not even knowing I was able to hear him so it wasn't for my benefit.

Favorite color? Places I want to go and see? I have a laundry list of them, but when I have committed them to paper in the past they made me so sad because I knew I would never get to do those things or see those places. I'm afraid to do it again.

ahhh..you know better..I can't even address that..as I say occasionally..."save the drama for your momma"

Now Mike, you know I'm not being dramatic. I HATE drama! I'm being honest though. Even though I work very hard at it, I still feel deep inside myself that I am worthless and have no right to be sad about what I've lost because I never should have had it to begin with. It's not pretty, but it is what it is.

I'm going to 'fake it' for now. Ignore the fact that I know I'm being played just so he can have what he wants without any responsibilities. I know that in the long run he will be miserable anyway because that is just the way he is. I know he's a liar, a cheater, and a miserable individual. There are very few things I don't KNOW about him, but the battle is not letting his actions hurt me emotionally.

He's definitely an abuser. I really do hope that they have a long life of making each other miserable.

[ernest88]

I am sure you have such times or similar. Don't be hard on yourself,it is not a complete lack of self respect it is a kind heart, but just be aware of him taking advantage.

I always used to drop coins in the beggar with his dog begging bowl,knowing he went to the pub as soon as he had enough, now I put a tin of dog food down! Yep I am smart.
You can sort this, you don't have to just accept it.

I don't know what the arrangement with Gabe is...but if he used your money to buy broom a happy meal..then i would cut the money off....

[mishka422]

I gave him $10 for some gas in his car last night, but I know he used it. I would say she paid, especially since he was driving her car at the time. He won't get another cent from me though and he has no access to my account.
Wouldn't matter if he did....there's no money in it!

[ernest88]

Now Mike, you know I'm not being dramatic. I HATE drama! I'm being honest though. Even though I work very hard at it, I still feel deep inside myself that I am worthless and have no right to be sad about what I've lost because I never should have had it to begin with. It's not pretty, but it is what it is.

no pity parties then..

[kat727]

Hey sweets, change comes from goals and dreams. How can you get to them if you keep telling yourself you can't?? Take the "t" off and dare to dream a bit...you can do this. Nothing will ever change if you keep beating yourself down.

hugs,kat

[mishka422]

nearly bit my tongue off when Gabe called me this afternoon. He volunteered that he had been out picking up job applications, blah blah blah. I so wanted to say something snarky about him being at the broom's place and driving her car but I held back with much difficulty.

I'm trying not to have a pity party Mike. I know what I am, it doesn't mean I like it but........it is what it is and there's really nothing I can do to change myself much. So there.

Kat - do share....where oh where did your oh so positive attitude come from and where can I buy one? You're amazing.

[AliSuddenly]

Hey Mish.. wow.. gosh dont know what to say. I thikn you did right to bite your tongue and not say antyhng snarky.. that would show him he is geting to you.

How about just treating it adult to adult (no agenda) and just ask how does he see this working and for how long and you wanted to know because of Marc.. also, with bills etc.. leave any broom relatedness out of the discussion. If you look him in the eye when you ask, he will know you are really wondering what is going on with those two.

The more you tell us over and over, that this is JUST friendship, there is NO chance of reconciliation from him and you dont want it anwyay.. the more I dont believe you!!

But you coping admirably as usual Mish and soldiering through it.
xxx