Part of why I ask is that I contrast your mojo-mindset where, arguably, you've achieved the SOFTER mindset that it seems Puppy is wrestling to find in his sitch and I wonder if a WAS' PA makes it geometrically (or even logarithmically) harder to find mojo-dom.
Intellectually, I want to be where you are, but I am fighting some of the same demons Puppy is (my wife had PA). I know I tell myself that the deceit is what's harder to forgive and forget (which would put an EA and PA more or less on equal footing), but the psychological underpinnings of a PA often seem to overwhelm where I want to be... If that makes any sense.
Meandering slightly off-topic, although the crux of the matter is still "dropping the rope" (and the elephant analogy on another thread is great), but I spoke with the Fabulous Jody yesterday and she suggested that the following approach might let me drop the rope:
Let W know that... "I finally truly get it that you don't want to be my W any longer... and that you haven't for quite some time... I thought I could still be your H, even though you've made it clear you aren't my W... (and, since the "cake-eating", both financially and with respect to her still wanting to be BFFs is part of what I think gets in the way of my ability to achieve softness/mojolation/dropping-the-rope, adding...) But that also means you do what you feel you want and need to do, and I will do the same. I am no longer responsible for you and you are not responsible for me. But, with respect to what's best for the kids, we need to be friendly and civil to each other. Friendship is a noble long-term goal, but not in the cards for the near future.
... although I AM tempted to throw in that friends-with-benefits line of reasoning, too...
-AlexEN
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
Intellectually, I want to be where you are, but I am fighting some of the same demons Puppy is (my wife had PA). I know I tell myself that the deceit is what's harder to forgive and forget (which would put an EA and PA more or less on equal footing), but the psychological underpinnings of a PA often seem to overwhelm where I want to be... If that makes any sense.
Trust me guys, only us MEN make this distinction. To most women, the long-term (not one-night stand) EMOTIONAL AFFAIR is a much, much stronger "hit" emotionally for them.
Put more simply, the average woman says "I could have handled you having a one-night stand, or even telling me it was 'just sex' with her, but -- OH MY GOD -- you've told her EVERYTHING about us, and you think you're IN LOVE with her????" -- and is devastated.
Whereas the average man says, "Well, at least she didn't sleep with him."
There is no such thing as "only" an EA to a woman.
In the big scheme of things, she expressed unhappiness in our marriage that I did not do anything about a long time ago, before she even knew possible OM. A year ago she was pretty close to filing, but I talked her out of it. This past Dec she was again, and I talked her out of it. Now, this spring yes the actions and the EA overlap, but her unhappiness is old.
Heck, that is what makes this so hard! I "get it" now, and I see that she has been trying to get me to change and wanting to save the marriage for years, and I was a huge jerk about it. Now I am ready, but she is done.
How sure are you of when her affair started?
I only ask this because "He/she had NOTHING to do with me wanting to get a divorce!" is standard gaslighting affair script. In almost every (not all) situation that I'm aware of, the betrayed spouse ends up finding out that at LEAST the beginnings of an inappropriate emotional attachment to the OM/OW started BEFORE the deep dissatisfaction of the marriage.
Puppy, I couldn't agree with you more... I'm just saying that's why, at least for me, it's so hard to get where SP is because I think the PA makes it so much harder for a guy to get there...
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
I only ask this because "He/she had NOTHING to do with me wanting to get a divorce!" is standard gaslighting affair script. In almost every (not all) situation that I'm aware of, the betrayed spouse ends up finding out that at LEAST the beginnings of an inappropriate emotional attachment to the OM/OW started BEFORE the deep dissatisfaction of the marriage.
Puppy
I am 100% sure on this. Deep dissatisfaction of the marriage occurred before she ever meet OM.
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
Puppy, I couldn't agree with you more... I'm just saying that's why, at least for me, it's so hard to get where SP is because I think the PA makes it so much harder for a guy to get there...
For me, I find it easier to get to where SP is because it seems to me the better place to be in becoming the person who I want to be, that will ultimately cause my WAW to doubt her decisions and possibly reconsider staying as my wife.
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
I only ask this because "He/she had NOTHING to do with me wanting to get a divorce!" is standard gaslighting affair script. In almost every (not all) situation that I'm aware of, the betrayed spouse ends up finding out that at LEAST the beginnings of an inappropriate emotional attachment to the OM/OW started BEFORE the deep dissatisfaction of the marriage.
Not only is this often the case, but to add fuel to the gaslighting fire, the "revisionist spin" will say that the deep dissatisfaction went back years and years or that "We were never right for each other."
Last edited by AlexEN; 05/27/0905:53 PM.
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
it's so hard to get where SP is because I think the PA makes it so much harder for a guy to get there...
Do you understand why it's harder to get there?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Puppy, I couldn't agree with you more... I'm just saying that's why, at least for me, it's so hard to get where SP is because I think the PA makes it so much harder for a guy to get there...
For me, I find it easier to get to where SP is because it seems to me the better place to be in becoming the person who I want to be, that will ultimately cause my WAW to doubt her decisions and possibly reconsider staying as my wife.
JKL,
I think we're saying similar things. I agree with you that that's where "I want to be"... Intellectually, you're right, it's a "better place to be" and it will more likely lead to the outcome you want; but, the psychological torment of the PA, IMO, makes it harder to get there. So, I guess I'd quibble with the word "easier", but I agree that it is "wiser" to achieve the state of mojo-dom.
-AlexEN
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
