Keel-hauled, but, more time with my kids

[25yearsmlc]

Oh FIB,

anything I/we can do to help, call/text, etc...and BND is right, we'll all be there if it'll help. Get your sisters there if you can also. (Besides, there's really good shopping in Manhattan and BND and I love shopping...) but as she says, I sit here shaking my head at all of this.

You know, at my darkest hours, when the rage I felt was as its' worst...when it was consuming ME, and I felt h was so selfish and had been so deceitful, (and sometimes he was!!) I can honestly say with 100% certainty, that I NEVER EVER thought to try and divide the kids and him. The whole "parental alienation" we've discussed earlier...I mean, I DEFENDED H b/c I wanted the kids to feel loved and treasured by him!! I did not want them to feel like a distant 2nd place or "overlooked" and did NOT want them to think ill of him at all.

I am Not saying we should lie for WAS's....so don't even want to debate that. But kids are far more hurt from the WAS than the LBSer realizes at times. THe LBSer assumes often, that the kids "know" it's not the kids that are being left, but guess what? THEY DON'T KNOW and besides, they usually ARE being left behind too, not always, but often...and they put themselves in the same category as the LB Spouse and feel if their parent loved THEM enough, they'd stay no matter what the other spouse was like.

ANYHOW, A parent's job, father or mother, is to protect and defend (kill or die for if needed) and raise lovingly...to reassure, to encourage, TO LOVE...and we should do whatever WE can do to alleviate the pain that comes with having such a flawed other parent, and it should be done for the kids sake...this is so clear and obvious to me AND all the child c's I spoke to (3 in all, and they EACH said to never bad mouth the other parent )

SO obvious to me....so clearly the case....So I'm at a total loss as to how anyone's anger, (let alone YOUR w's at YOU) can outweigh her love for the kids. It boils down to this:

Does She really see you as Satanic? Let's say she does. Okay, that makes her nuts. If she doesn't really feel that way, then she's vindictive and clearly putting HER anger ahead of ALL ELSE...so what's that say about her?

If I recall, you LIKE your L right? What's up with the GAL? Can the L get a diff one for you? (I'm doubting that but it's worth asking...)

When my bil died last fall there was a GAL appointed for his kids (due to custody issues between his ex w, who had lost ALL rights of physical custody and for damn good reason, but I digress)...anyhow, when he was terminally ill the GAL was soooo bad and lazy. At one point the ex w filed for money and custody, again, & the GAL was confused as to what to do...gee, so complicated....so she (GAL from family services who had never met the ex w, did this all by mail) filled out a one sheet form saying my dying bil was "neglecting" the kids, GAL did NOT mention on the one page form, BIL's illness but said he was "not meaningfully interacting" with them, and was "emotionally neglecting" them (These were boxes checked off on the form for the least possible work for the GAL to do)

so I went to court and found that if the GAL had said my bil was "incapcitated due to illness (you know, like with a FATAL BRAIN TUMOR AND ALL...) it would have been a 5+ page form with medical reports attached --which takes LOTS of TIME and THOUGHT on the part of the GAL, (and she's busy and all.....) and the easiest thing for the GAL to do was simply fill out a one page "neglect" form - pursued by bil's ex w who saw bil's pending death as "an opportunity for her" and so she wanted full custody & $$$ THEN AND THERE , while my bil was on his death bed)....honestly I don't know what the hell would have happened if my sister did not have L's in the family. A real travesty. The GAL did not know I was related, but I had to threaten to sue the GAL for dereliction of duty, defamation, etc which she did not like at all, to scare her into doing her f- JOB!! Yes my sister won, but at great personal costs, I mean, what a way to spend her last days with her dying h, IN COURT...great.

Okay...enough negatives. You are getting some very good advice here and I strongly think the mediation WITH a L mediator is a good idea, (being a L for this helps b/c the non L's tend to suggest concessions you'd never have to make in "real life/law" and they have more credibility with the other spouses generally...)

oh FIB, yi yi yi. So bummed!! This is some "journey" for you.
We're all here for you! ( Literally if possible).
((( )))
J-