Welcome back! I've kinda been dark on the board lately, too. In fact, I'm just today getting caught back up on folks threads and I hope I can post some more later. I'm sorry that it doesn't seem like things have gotten better in your sitch. There are good reasons that we aren't supposed to initiate R talks, and one of them is that our WASs are so deep in la-la land that even they don't know what they want from one minute to the next. Anything they say, from I want a divorce (and I want it NOW!) to I want to come home and be together, are just what they are feeling at that exact moment. The next phone call, chat session, or text message from the OP upsets the whole state machine. Don't believe anything they say and only half of what they do, right?
It's tough because the LBS usually wants resolution (and we want it NOW!) We want them to make up their minds, snap out of it, move forward, come to their senses, etc. We usually take what they say and use it as the "gold standard". If what they say is mean, then we get crushed; if what they say is pleasant, then we are walking on cloud 9. The danger is that it is completely transitory. My wife tells me all the time that I weigh things like gold. It's supposed to be a german saying about taking things too literally, and in my case it is true. It's all jibberish, and maybe they mean it at the moment, but in an hour things will have changed in their minds. The only way to save your sanity is to detach and stay away from the R talks until they calm down and start acting consistently rational, and even then they should be the initiators.
As far as exposure goes, I don't think that there is a universal answer. In general, I favor exposure of the cheating spouse, but only to cheater. Since affairs thrive in secrecy, once the LBS knows about it and outs the cheater ("I know what you are doing!") they usually dissipate quickly. As far as exposing it to his parents, friends, etc. I think you already know what you should (or in this case, shouldn't) do. For all the reasons you mentioned, I think you need to keep those cards close to your chest. In fact, don't even hint that he is having an EA to other people. You have the high moral ground in this sitch: by spreading the story around you will erode that position, and possibly entrench him in what he is doing. It sounds like his friends already know something is up and they sympathize with you, so you have nothing to gain by filling in the details for them.
In the software industry when we are trying to find and fix bugs in software, we avoid making more than a single change to the code at a time when there is a bug in the system. The reason is that if we make more than one change to code between tests, if the test passes, we don't know which change actually fixed the problem. If the only thing you care about is the fix, maybe that is ok, but if you really want to understand what was wrong and how to prevent it from happening in the future, you need to know what change produced the result you were after.
Applying this metaphor to DBing, 180s are the changes to the 'code'. If you do more than one 180 without pausing to check for effectiveness, you won't know which 180 had the effect that you wanted. I view going dark and filing for a D as two separate 180s. I would try going dark first. Yes, it is tough, but he has to have a taste of what life is going to be like without you. Up until now, he has been allowed to have his cake and eat it too. He can go to his yahoo chat rooms and be fill his emotional tank, and then he gets to go to lunch with you, or see you and fills his financial and physical tank. End that discretionary contact and let him go unfulfilled for a while. Yes, that means that you aren't going to be fulfilled emotionally. No more long hugs, pleasant lunches, or whatnot. It requires nerves of steel, but I think you are up to the task!
Save filing for the D as your truly last resort. Ask yourself, do you truly want a D, or would you be filing with the hope that it would be the act that would "snap him out of it"? If you are going to start down that road, you should be committed to following through, otherwise there will be no shock value from any divorce threat or preparation whatsoever. That card only has real value once! I would save it for when you are truly at the end of your rope.
I'm sorry that you are still in the crap-basket. It really doesn't feel fair that our WASs seem that have the world as their oyster, and we have to just exist from day-to-day waiting and hoping. Something I have discovered from my own sitch is that that perception can be just as flawed. I know now that my Ws life is no picnic, either. Their life is just as screwed up and they are hurting just as much as we are. Sometimes they are too proud to admit they made a mistake. Sometimes the a mad at themselves for how far they let things go and wonder how we could ever love them again.
But we do love them. We hope, we dream, and we plan for a better future with them. We fight tooth and nail for our Ms, for our families, for our SPs. It is a lonely fight at times, and for whatever our reasons are, we hang in there. That is why we are here; that is why we share with strangers on these boards the most intimate and personal aspects of our lives and our marriages: the hope that we can have it all back again. Not just how it was, but better than it was.
Be strong and remember why you are here, DL. You can do it!
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
