Hey K, how are you? Mrs Ex if from here? I am sorry. I understand. H's OW was from here also
Hi Dawn, nice to see you around. I am too shy to go to nudist beaches. Maybe that would be a nice 180 for me, get over my embarassment...
So, I've been thinking. This story of mine is a waiting game. I am not in love with H, I feel no passion, no lust. I do care about him and want him to be healthy and happy. I dont see us together in the long run, I cant see a way to bring back that special connection, IMO absolutely necessary for a couple to be happy.
I am a "WAW to be" as fb2 has ben saying (and a few others). Just as a last attempt I am shifting my focus and trying to read the last couple of days, articles, books, threads that encourage WAWs to STAY in the marriage and work it out.
My problem after reading some, is that I find myself very tired for yet another big haul battle to win the invisible enemy in me this time. That and the fact that H shows very little interest to keep me "with him". He doesnt have the LBS mentality to "correct things and fix what is completely wrong" like most of us here did/do. And in my head, he has no excuse not giving his best because I am not dropping a bomb on him. He knows what I am missing, he knows I am open to any suggestion that could help, he knows very well by now where I stand.
Everybody says, "you know when you are done". I agree with that when the partner shows no interest. But what happens when the partner says he wants the marriage, does minor acts that show he cares,is tip toeing, is a good father, doesnt cheat, doesnt drink, doesnt abuse, is polite and in general the time together is flat but easy and familiar?
How can I ever say "I am done" when I know that, this decision will forever affect my kids (among other areas of our lives)? I am at a dead end. I am emotionally ready to proceed, but my head brings this "what if question?" that confuses me and stops me. What if he showed interest what if he stopped working as much, what if he told me he loved me and treated me as a woman? etc etc... Because, we do have a foundation, a little rocky but it exists. I loved this man so much, even the existing left amount of love I have for him would be enough for the Phoenix to come alive but.... I cant be myself's motive, cheerleader, planner, charmer, PMA booster, etc etc. I need input from him. Some at least. I need a lot more than a thoughtful roomate of the weekends (he would move in tomorrow if I asked, I think)...
On the other hand I can see he is doing what he knows. 2 years ago, I would be happy for him being calm and agreeing to attend family gatherings etc. I would be appreciative, I would be content. Now, all I can think of is, "What a fool have I been? How on earth, after having lived an exciting, full life, did I accept that status?" He refuses to see this is not normal. It is not normal not to want to spend time alone with your partner, not to want to make love to your gorceous wife ( ), to ONLY talk about kids and their actions etc etc. We were not a couple, we were parents and I want to have a partner.
Maybe I should tell him to just co-parent, create a solid friendship and find other partners to fullfill our other needs. He is a nice guy but...
I know I have been tiring you all with this. It's abeen a long time. But I have no clue what to do. And I am not anymore, worried, stressed, panicking about being alone. I am ok with that. Hey, I am already living ALONE TWO F@CKING years!!!! BUT what if I am wrong? What if we could fix this? I dont know. I cant commit to live in a marriage like this. I hear about people having passion and spending time with their partners, doing things together, sharing interests, conversing about the weather, the movies, a book, the past, the future and I am sooo jealous (and that's when I usually cry nowdays). I dont want to give up on that "dream" so early....
Should I just tell him that I am not in love with him and what my dillema is?
Sorry guys, I had some free time at work and this is the result. K
On another note, I asked to book vacation for me and the kids August 8-18 where we went last year with my brother. THey are checking on availability. H said he will take the week off to join us. I cant even think of spending a week on vacation with him like friends.
H also said, he wants to spend the weekend with us "as he did last weekend" and I am thinking "what for?"... Do you believe I am actually worried I would hurt him his feelings? He is family after all!!!
OK OK I will start a thread. Was waiting to see if I landed in Separated or Surviving...
I hear the frustration in your posts. I know you are 'calm', you are not freaking out, but still you are not happy with your situation. I get that. I just see you guys needing something to 'jump start' your relationship (do you have that term in Greece? Here, when a car battery dies, you can 'jump start' it with the power from another battery and get it going again). Being friends and coparents is a nice start but it is not the end goal, not at all.
In my situation, too, I know I am 'lucky' that H and I can hang out, talk, spend time together, because some of the people on here have spouses who live with someone else, got remarried, or just 'shut off' from them. But yet it is so much and so little at the same time...
One thing my H said to me (via text, his usual form of communicating!) last week was that he doesn't know how to find the 'spark' to reignite us...sounds a little like that with you? Not that our situations are the same, just I know he feels as doubtful of making that connection as you seem to be? Difference is I am willing to light the fire where your H does not seem to know how...
How can I ever say "I am done" when I know that, this decision will forever affect my kids?
In fact, I still struggle w/this at times b/c my D will cry and say that she wishes we were together. The other day, D was laying in bed w/me and said "I miss laying in between you and mommy."
Broke my heart.
So, what is the answer? I wish I knew for sure, but all I can say is I've personally had to look inside of me and decide what I can and can not live w/anymore.
My XW is gone for good for several reasons - mainly, that I don't believe she has the ability to go back and correct all of the lies and wrong-doing of the past. I don't have faith she can admit she was so terribly wrong in how she handled things. I was able to come to grips w/my limitations and my contributions to the troubles we had, but she can't.
So, because I've lost complete faith in her to be accountable for her actions, I made the painful decision to move on and not spend excess amounts of time looking back.
It hurt like Hell to do, but w/each day it has been easier and easier. I think D can see that I'm happier as well and it has lessened her stress. My X now w/BF #3 since she filed (actually #1 was around pre-filing) has also solidified things that I'm no longer the one who can fill the void inside of her. Her new guy is COMPLETELY a square peg in a round hole and just goes to show me how insecure she really is.
So, I guess I can only say that you'll know when you've had enough and the decision won't be easy for you to make. However, you have to do what is best for YOU in this situation. I know that you think about the effect on your children and you should.
That said, your children will mirror you. If you are happy, they will sense it and although they will always long for you and H to be a family, they will be much, much happier w/a healthy, happy you than w/you and H together in a loveless M.
They will always have scars and pain from the separation. We can't protect them from that. However, as long as they are loved by you both, they will adjust, heal and thrive.
Now is the time for Maria to do what is best for Maria's long-term happiness. If that means making things "officially" over, then so be it.
Time has a funny way of healing our wounds and making us stronger. The hardest part is getting started.
You are not at fault for staying and you are not at fault for ending the M. Either choice is the correct choice as long as your heart is in it for the right reasons.
That said, know I'll always support you either way.
I read your post early this morning, and needed to think a while. I think that Rob has said about what I was thinking.
I think that no matter what you choose, there will always be "what if" thoughts. It's our human nature, I think. The same thoughts can help us make a future would not have expected, or can hold us in the past. So, it still comes down to how you choose to deal with them. I would say that after this length of time, it feels less and less likely that the "what ifs" are going to happen.
I think you can choose to make your own "what ifs", taking care of yourself, and your kids. It sounds like part of the WA script, but they will be ok, as Rob said.
I can understand if you choose to wait a while longer, and I can understand if you don't. You are the only one that can see and feel your life. No matter which you choose, it isn't wrong.
), to ONLY talk about kids and their actions etc etc. We were not a couple, we were parents and I want to have a partner.