I just remembered another 180 I did on him, too. I bought some hunting clothes at Gander and ended up finding some clothes at Cabela's that I liked better so I ordered those with the intention of returning the ones from Gander. Well I told H I was taking my hunting clothes back and he said "oh what a surpise" like he thinks he knows me sooo well. Then I quickly said in a very excited voice I ordered some other clothes from Cabela's that I liked better!!!
I set him up and probably shocked him, he thinks he knows me sooo well. Well baby this girl is changing her ways!!!
He don't know jack anymore!!
I took the clothes back last night and I find comfort in that store, I don't know if it's all the hunting and outdoorsy stuff, but I like being there. Son likes being there too, I tried some hunting stuff on him and we just hung out looking at stuff...isn't that pathetic.
I want to read through yours see your background, Im at work right now so will do it later.
One thing I wanted top say though is its not pathetic hanging out in the shop, I did that a lot, I so wanted to do stuff all the time, its hard sometimes, But I went shopping a lot with D, I never had money to spend sometimes just window shopped, But it stopped me obsessing about sitch.
Quote: Exposure to what we fear is the #1 ingredient in treating phobias of all kinds.
Shiny....so true, so true. I remember fearing that my H would leave me and then wanting him to leave and then him leaving and the awfulness of it all. But, I think I'm better for all that I've been through, not that I would wish it anyone else.
I feel the way I did before I met H, lighthearted, happier, there's more control in my life, I can plan things, etc. I do find myself missing things I did with H though, like going to movies, going to football games and watching football games on TV, hunting and fishing together, the way he can make me laugh. I do like having the bed to myself now. I've been sleeping on his side of the bed since he left, I just can't sleep on "my side" anymore.
We're basically at a standstill right now in our situation and I'm wondering if that's okay. I haven't been obsessing about OW lately, I'm not so concerned with H either, it doesn't bother me that he doesn't call me everyday which he hasn't been doing lately. I want to give him his space, want to quit enabling his r with OW, i.e., waking him if he falls asleep, etc. I just want to be pleasant and happy around him. I want to quit pursuing him, I was the pursuer when we first met. I wouldn't let up on him and now I want him to be the pursuer, I want him to make the decision on what he's going to do. I did mention on my thread at some point that we got married because I was pregnant which has always kind of bothered me. Would H have asked me to marry him otherwise? We had been seeing each for five years and living together for at least four of those years. And, he would always say he didn't want to get married again, but he did ask me.
I have the day off today and want to do some yardwork before H gets here later.
oh, yeah I forgot to mention he called me a moron the other night, can't remember why, but I said "I am not a moron" he's such a child sometimes, GROW UP!!!
Venting time...so I left a voicemail for H yesterday asking him if was going to pick up son and to please let me know, this is what I said and will be important later.
I was off yesterday, am sitting watching TV when H gets there, he needs to get the carseat before he picks up son, comes in the house to wear I'm sitting and yells "what are you doing here" I say watching TV, he again yells "what are you doing here" I live here I say, he yells it again "what are you doing here" I say I had the day off. He says then why did you leave me that stupid ass message or something like that can't remember the exact words asking me to pick up son when you're here. I said the message said to call me, he says "no it didn't." I most certainly did leave the message above saying to call me. He just hears what he wants to hear. I told him to quit yelling at me, also.
Then he wanted to know what I did all day, I said stuff and he asked again what I did all day? Why is it any of his business and this is exactly what he used to say every time I take a day off. I have about five weeks of vacation each year, he has none, if he takes time off he doesn't get paid, so he really resents the fact that I have all this vacation and I "waste it." He also knows he's going to take a vacation every year to hunt somewhere, but he NEVER plans for it!! He could save some money for his trip, but NO he just goes anyway and then complains that he doesn't have any money and I had to figure out how to pay bills.
So then I say I'll pick up son, he says I'm over here now I'll get him. He then asked if I had called a plumber?! He told me when he left on Tuesday that he would be back Thurs, last night, to fix the faucett. Before he said that he was coming back he did tell me to call a plumber, but then said he'd be back so I didn't need to call the plumber, did I? And, he started the project, he was going to finish it, I wasn't going to call the plumber. Earlier this week I had made arrangements with my sister for my BIL to come on Saturday and do the job for me anyway, but H started it on his own Tues. night so I thought let him do it.
So he was going to come over anyway to fix the faucett, whether he had to pick S up or not...this is what used to push me to the limit with him, his mixed messages and saying one thing and doing another and then blaming it on me because what I said wasn't what he heard.
When he pulled the thing about the voicemail, I started thinking maybe he was right about the message I had left, but he WASN'T! What he heard was totally different than what I said..is this a control thing?
Anyway, he goes to pick up son, I go get gas to finish my lawnmowing. I'm walking out the door he says "where are you going?!! and I say to get gas and then I say as I'm walking out the door "you're so mean and nasty to me" I don't know if he heard it or not.
H comes back with S and tools to fix the faucett. As he's working he says to me at one point "what makes you think I was yelling at you" to which I say oh that's right you're voice decibel is about two points higher than most people, I forget that sometimes. He said you mean like our S's? Son has a very loud voice and I said yes.
He does ask for my help with the faucett, "there I did this now you can do this" and once he was finished he said there no you can put all the cleaning stuff back. He then plays with S for a little bit and goes into the kitchen and comes to me in the living room and says aren't you going to put that stuff back? I said yes, but what's the hurry? I mean really it didn't need to be put away that minute, it was sitting there for two days. He then said it again to which I replied playfully "make me" He came over and grabbed my foot to try to pull me out of the chair.
He also wanted to know why I was mowing the grass and cleaning? I said I didn't want to have to do it this weekend, he then wanted to know if I was having company and who it was? I didn't answer.
So he getting ready to put S to bed and I go to bed, too. I've been tired the last couple of nights. He comes in rips the covers off and says you're going to bed too!! Then throws the covers back on and trys to slam the bedroom door and goes to lay with son. He then got up and left.
Sorry for how long this is, but I have to put all this craziness down. He goes back and forth and never means what he says ever!!
What is going on here anyway? I pull back and he pulls back. We were getting close and then I pull back and he pulls back...maybe I'll try this again for another week and see where it goes. He hasn't been calling me everyday like he used to either.
It is good to just do something. I am the queen of window shopping. I probably go shopping more than I actually buy anything. My H used to say, why are you going you never buy anything, I like to just look. It's kind of like hunting you know, you go out and sit for a day and you don't always get something. If it's not the right size or you miss, but that doesn't mean you're not going to again.
Quote: I have to admit, I'm scratching my head in confusion.
Me, too! Can I just say it's too normal, like we're married, but he's away on business or something. Maybe it's also because I've been putting OW out of my mind and not even associating her with our sitch any longer...well for the most part.
Hi there Cathy, Been a little while, but I noticed you have more at ease this week.
Quote: I pull back and he pulls back. We were getting close and then I pull back and he pulls back...maybe I'll try this again for another week and see where it goes.
If this turns out to be the pattern you are in, than applying "conventional" DBing of backing off may not work so well. Instead of backing off, you may need to gently tap him on the shoulder sorta speak to let him know you're intrested, but let him decide to take you up on it or not and graciously accept his decision which ever he chooses.
He seems to be showing a lot of interest in how you spend your day. When he ask about what you are gonna to be doing, try asking if he would like to join you, even if you are not doing anything special. Let him feel he is welcome and its his choice.
That said tho, I'm concerned about being around when he is in one of his temperamental moods and calling you names. When he is acting that way, I do believe you should pull away fast. You don't want your presense to be interpreted as condoning such treatment.
If the direction you choose to take is as you mentioned in yesterday's post:
Quote: I just want to be pleasant and happy around him. I want to quit pursuing him, I was the pursuer when we first met. I wouldn't let up on him and now I want him to be the pursuer, I want him to make the decision on what he's going to do.
Today's post:
Quote: so I left a voicemail for H yesterday asking him if was going to pick up son and to please let me know
Cathy, I've notice in the last few weeks the pattern of not hearing from H, so you call to see if he is going to pick up sone. I interpret this reaction a form of pursuit. If H want to see son, he should contact you. If you don't hear from him, go ahead and set up your own agenda with son. Your H should respect that if he is not going to remain in routine contact about son, that you & son are not gonna sit around waiting for him, but will move on without him.
So you like fishing? It looks like you might have to cast around in a couple different directions and a few different kind of lures to find what will work to draw you closer and that is pretty much is gonna needs some experimenting to figure out.
... but don't get discourage ... experimenting can be fun too.
which has always kind of bothered me. Would H have asked me to marry him otherwise? We had been seeing each for five years and living together for at least four of those years. And, he would always say he didn't want to get married again, but he did ask me. 
He came over and grabbed my foot to try to pull me out of the chair. 
