Newcomer, want to keep my hope alive!

[iwantittowork]

H20:

I had a rough weekend as well, and I was reading your post above, and felt like I almost wrote it myself..

Where is the women I thought I new? The alien takeover is a good analogy.

I was falling into the same emotional trap yesterday and today, of really starting to dislike my W and her actions. That can't be a good way to continue to be, but I am unclear how to protect myself from my own emotions here, so any advice from anyone is appreciated.

I tried to have a candid discussion with the W, and while I maintained my composure, and affirmed here feelings I left after still stunned at what she had been saying.

She is committed to ending our M, and says she looks back and realizes it has been this way for a long time, and there's nothing I can do to change that. She has immersed herself in sexual education, and this is still shocking to me, she says she may be polyamorous, and may pursue that, and also her next lover may even be a women.

Some of what she is saying is the 'scripted' stuff it seems, so much appears to be the same. But some of this is stuff I can barely comprehend and really hitting me hard. I know I am supposed to move beyond this, ignore most of what she says, but I just couldn't douse it yesterday.

I know I sound whiny and needy like H20 says in his post, but I am just trying to vent a bit first, then try and refocus somehow on myself.

This week brings the mediator meeting, and that's the start of the end, so I need to prepare for that..

[iwantittowork]

So, today is first meeting and start of D Mediation..

I am not doing well with that concept, and really struggling internally.

However, I have had some bright points in the last week for myself, at times I know I can come through this a better man, and RobX's posts have shown me I need to find the MAN I once was. That is my focus.

I am not going to roll over for her though at the Mediation, I don't know what's going to happen yet, but I am also not planning on moving out of my house. She can leave is she wants, I'll even help her pack. I know she will say she has no money to do so, but how can that be if she has thousands lined up in the next month for cosmetic surgery? However, my main concern is also my D, and she is a good mother so I won't be seeking custody or anything.

I have struggled the past week with all this, but don't show or bring it up at home, I have been talking with friends and family offline and that has been a HUGE help in allowing me to vent some, and then come home and act civil and respectful, and even somewhat happy.

Just today, I told her to have a great day as she was off work, then I skipped to my car to move it so she could get out of the driveway.

Funny, she even waved goodbye as she left the house from the car, all on the day we are headed to break up the family..

That's my current focus, myself and making sure I am positive and upbeat as I can be at home for my D, and the rest of the family. I MUST maintain this no matter what she says or happens.

It's odd, you can clearly see and feel the direction you need to go in, the PMA, GAL, but at times it's the darned hardest thing to do and keep in the forefront of your mind.

Baby steps, I feel good after a night of not being in a bad mood, wishing her good night and have a good nights sleep, no matter what is on the plate. I need to maintain that, and everyone else in these sitch's, I hope you come to see that, and work towards that as well.

[iwantittowork]

Well, things are not looking good, I have come to the conclusion that the M is over, and there's nothing I can do except:

Drop the rope

I did a little research on the stockdale paradox, and I need to confront the reality that for my W, our M is over, and then try and come out the best I can be.

I can't help but wonder if there is some other R for her out there, for the past 8 months I went to counseling, tried everything I could think of, started db'ing and it was clear she was going to put no effort at all into our M, and just 'see' if the feelings came back.

I look back at our R and wonder how she can so easily dump everything we worked so hard for, but now I see that she never really worked hard for anything we have, and just came along for the ride. That sounds harsh, and that's not my intention, but it was always my drive and will to get new things, the first house, upgrade to the next one, vehicles, doing all the maintenance for all of them, paying all the bills with no help and commuting to a higher paying job to get all this.

I am not saying she never did anything to help, but I think those things may have been no interest to her at all, and it was just my rose colored glasses that 'we' were building something.

The next few months going through a D, I can see is going to be the saddest, hardest thing in my life that I have ever had to deal with. It's been easier to deal with Deaths in the family, as there is some finality there, where I had always held hope that my M could work out.

I don't know what my next steps are, somehow just look at the split up as a business issue, but I am already struggling to keep some kind of perspective that everything I tried to put together is going to be torn apart, and I'll be supporting her new lifestyle financially in some way.

Enough bitter whining and victimizing myself for today, I need to go get some perspective on myself somewhere..

Thanks to all you that have chimed in, I'd still like to hear from you, as your thoughts and insights have kept me going so far, and done a bunch of good for me.

[Heartbroken20]

IWITW - So sad to hear how things are turning out for you. I could have written the same paragraghs about me working on our R and her "going along for the ride". My W is definitely doing that right now. I feel very bad for you and don't know that there is anything I can say to help brighten the picture for you. If it's any consolation, the work (and it is PLENTY) you have done on yourself is sure to help you through whatever is to come. You should be proud of the effort you have put in, it's a lot more than most people do and I can't help but feel there is honor in the effort, despite the lack of desired outcome.

Also know that you have helped others, me to no little degree, and in that, there is also something to be proud of. Your help is truly appreciated by all here.

Hang in there my friend, and remember, it ain't over 'til it's over.

[iwantittowork]

Thanks H20, I really appreciate your thoughts and feelings, I need as many as I can get to keep me focused.

The last 5 days I have been spending on myself and my D, I had 1 bad last Saturday where I tried to talk to my W about what she is looking for in our upcoming D.

Here is what she wants:
Me to move out and move on, and support her and my D after financially. If I can't afford to run 2 places I can move in with my parents and continue to support my D and her for the near future.

Needless to say I was not happy with that, and we started to argue about everything again. She says I am at fault for the issues in our M. I said I would take 100% responsibility for the things I have done wrong, but I felt I was only 50% responsible for the M and issues there, and asked her what she felt she was responsible for with our issues.

She said she was at fault for not speaking up about what I was doing wrong in our relationship, and takes responsibility for that.

Needless to say, I was distraught the rest of that day, but over the past couple days in talking with people an my personal C, that is not a fair assessment of our M and responsibilities.

So, for me it is not good to talk about our M, so I am resolving to try NOT to talk about it, or our D proceedings unless we are in the mediators office, although no one I have talked to things that mediation is going to work for us. I still think it's going to be worthwhile to meet with the mediator a few times and see if he thinks we will be able to resolve our differences.

I have spent the last 5 days or so mostly away from my W, had my birthday party without her for the first time in 14 years, and spending weekend time with my D away from our house.

I did note a couple things over those few days:
When we left for my party with my D, she was crying as we left, for someone that says they have no feelings for me or our M, that seemed interesting.

Yesterday, I had a package of books and cd's come in with some self help material, and she was very curious about what was in it, walking past me at one point trying to glance over at what I was doing, and then later on that night, making sure she asked me what was in the package. I just told her some books and cd's..

Nothing really of note other than that, though I thought that was interesting, if she got some books or cd's in and I asked about them, I am sure I would get a none of your business in reply answer..

[Heartbroken20]

Again, very sorry to hear it and for what it's worth, happy birthday (know it doesn't feel like it...).

The one thing I know is that you are not obligated to move out. She wants the D, she can move out. That is one definite thing to remember. I have already made that point very clear to my wife and our marriage counselor.

You are also not obligated to support her if/when she does move out. Your daughter, yes, her definitely not. One benefit to being married is financial support. No marriage, no support until/if ordered to do so by a judge once it's final. She is the one who wants out so let her deal with the consequences of her decision.

Not sure where they get the idea that since they want out, the husband is the one who should leave. In cases of infidelity, etc., understandable, but in cases like you and I have, no way. BUT they all try to pull it off and some people take the bait.

Have to close now but hang in there and keep your chin held high, you're on the high road here, don't sink to her level.

[iwantittowork]

Thanks H20, well today is my 40th b-day, and so totally not what and where I was hoping to be for that.

The W got a card and books and had the kids sign it for me, that was nice. However, first time in 14 years that she has not so much said happy b-day or gotten a card for me. That's tough to take currently today.

I am trying to get into some Mindfulness meditation to try and help with the anxiety, fear, and other emotions, that seems promising but I have a long way to go, I have not even tried to meditate yet, just reading up no it, and trying to become aware of my breathing, and other things that are happening in the present moment. At times already that does seem to help a bit, so I think I'll continue.

I need to figure out what to do this weekend, as I just have no idea what to do at times.

I am going to lunch with some people at work, and hopefully that will raise the spirits and maybe get some laughs.

[iwantittowork]

Wow, hard to believe I have not posted in my own thread since May 28th!

I have been trying to GAL, focus on myself and my D, took Friday and Monday off from work. I have spent the last 3 weekends not doing things with my W, and doing things with my D, went and saw Up! with her, took her to a town fair the next day, went on a bike ride with her on Sunday. Spent yesterday for myself, but had a few things to do, then picked up my D at school as agreed to with my W so she could go workout.

One thing interesting to note, after picking up me D from school, we swung by the beach so she could play in the sand and on the jetty for a while, and on my way home the W called me asking if we were coming home for dinner or what? She sounded annoyed. Now I don't read too much into that, and just take it for what it is.

Nothing new on my M, but I find that the roller coaster emotional swings seem to be getting smaller at least, so I am looking at that as a good sign. It's still tough for sure, but the lows don't seem to go as low as they were, I have been trying to meditate and working on me, and that's where the focus will remain, and must remain, that is clear.

The W has been making sure to go to bed early, if I am downstairs watching TV, or if I am upstairs she comes to bed later. That used to annoy me, but I find lately that I simply don't care about that, I just do what I am want to be doing, then go to bed when I want. It seems trivial, for sure, but not sure why that doesn't bother me as much anymore, but that's a good thing.

[GH31]

Hi there,

I have read your situation and see quite a lot of similarities to my own.

There is one thing in particular that struck me:

I was putting some things on our calendar last night, and saw that she had new appointments set up to get a breast enhancement done. She had been talking about this for the past few months, and I was shocked when it came up then. Is this part of an MLC? Do I have MLC+WAW, or maybe they just go together?

and

I didn't say anything about that, but I know that got my anxiety up, and I slipped up later and asked again if she had an OM.

From being at this for 18 months and having spent hundreds of hours poring over different situations, I would be amazed if there was not an OM. Her reaction to your question is typical.

You do need to know for sure, but you will not find out the truth by asking her. All adulterers lie, therefore the way to find out if an affair is in progress is to verify independently. You will only make a bad situation worse if you confront your W.

Once you have determined the truth, keep the incontrovertible evidence of the affair, tell her calmly that you know and that you will not be leaving the house. And that's it.

Use the evidence at any court hearing to ensure that you daughter has nothing to do with OM, and that you can stay in the family home.

Continue to work on yourself - you must. This is an entirely different matter and one which you need to get a grip of.

GH31

[MrBond]

How are things going so far?