WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 9

[confusedinpa]

Just letting you know that I have not forsaken you. I got the flu and have been down several days. Will talk soon.


Sandi

Sandi,

Thanks for checking in and letting me know. I didn't think you forgotten about me, just thought you were busy getting a life!

Sorry to hear you weren't feeling well. Lousy timing with the long weekend. Hope you were still able to enjoy some of it and hope you feel better.

Take care

[cire2]

Now that's the right attitude!!

Keep that attitude and it will surely start to show for all to see.

cire

[confusedinpa]

Now that's the right attitude!!

Keep that attitude and it will surely start to show for all to see.

cire

Amazing how I'm still on this roller coaster of emotions. I did go to the gym and worked out for about an hour. I got home and ate dinner and cleaned up somewhat. But then she didn't call the usual time she had been calling for me to say good nite to the boys. I waited till their bed time and I called her to say goodnite to the boys. No answer on her home phone or cell. I waited about 10 more minutes when she picked up and just said can she call me back. She did call back and I said good nite to the boys.

This time around, my boys didn't pass her the phone nor did she call back tonite.

Guess this is the emotional co-dependency that Sandi had talked about.

One thing I had neglected to mention was that when she was here for the boys B'day party this past Sat, she had asked to use the bathroom upstairs. I said ok. I had forgotten to put away the "Hold on to your NUTS" book in the bathroom. I'm sure she saw it. I'm not trying to guess what she's thinking about it, but curious if anyone thinks this could have hurt.

I had really expected her to call tonite since I didn't answer her email or phone call this afternoon (she didn't leave a message). Guess I still need to figure out how to detach and/or drop the rope

I'm back to my "this sucks" mood.....

I know calling her tonite is the wrong move so I will NOT call. That's why I'm posting. Looking for some 2x4's to help keep me on the path......

Thanks

[cire2]

The 2x4 is delivered by yourself.

PATIENCE!!!

Leave her and thoughts of her alone.

Like the movie "What about Bob" take a vacation.

She isn't going anywhere anytime soon and if she we're you have no influence right now. SPACE!

Peace

cire

[antlers]

You simply need to no longer initiate conversation with her unless she initiates it with you, no matter how you feel and want to. Leave her alone.

[confusedinpa]

You simply need to no longer initiate conversation with her unless she initiates it with you, no matter how you feel and want to. Leave her alone.

So how would you handle yesterday's scenario, where she called but didn't leave a message? I didn't call her back, nor did I respond to her email from earlier in the day (just a FYI on a news article about her Dad getting let go from his job). I had thought about sending an email back about like "That's really too bad", but we had talked about that already on Friday last week.

So do you think I should have called her back even though she didn't leave a message (I got a missed call message on my cell)?

This morning she sent me a text saying that she had set up the end of semester conference with my 3 year old's teacher. I did reply by saying "Thanks for setting that up".

This Dark/Dim is a tough line. I think I was overly (if it's possible) Dark yesterday, vs. Dim.

I've been staying the course of not initiating contact each day and I do not call her unless I'm returning her call/email.

I am very concerned this is making this worse, as Sandi has pointed out, she may not be like the typical WAW. As her principle issue had been that I neglected her by not paying attention to her, isn't Dark/Dim reinforcing that? My wife has told me a couple of weeks ago, that I should treat her the way I want to treat her. And said specifically that if I wanted to call her, I should just call her. She said I should just be myself. I'm not sure if most WAW's would say that. Not sure if what's going on here is confusing her as well as she's trying to figure me out.

ARGH!!!!!!! This is hard, but then again, if it was easy, the divorce rate wouldn't be what it is in this country.....

[PMA_Baby!]

The bottom line is that you want her to come back for the RIGHT REASONS. You want HER to come back because she wants to. She's not going to come back because you called her or txted her. That hasn't been working. She might REACT upset at first. Remember she is CODEPENDENT TOO. She is used to a certain routine/dynamic. You have been ENABLING that DYNAMIC. It's time to break it. If that DYNAMIC was working she would be back right???

I agree with everyone else. Don't initiate calls. Dont reply to txt right way. Wait an hour or so. If you keep on enabling her CAKE-EATING then she will never miss you. I know it's hard. It seems like it's the opposite of what you should be doing. Just because she says that you neglecting her was way she left. Blah blah!!! She still is the one that left. She is just trying to JUSTIFY her decisions. YOU KNOW THIS ALREADY!!! DONT BELIEVE ANYTHING THEY SAY!!!! She is CONFUSED. STOP REACTING TO HER REACTIONS!!! And Last but not least, my favorite YOU CANT RATIONALIZE WITH IRRATIONAL PEOPLE. WAS's are NOT BEING RATIONAL SO STOP TRYING TO RATIONALIZE. Just detach and GAL/PMA.

PMA

[The Wifey]

Ok, then why did I see it a little different? He always says goodnight to the kids. They didn't pass her the phone and he didn't ask that they put her on. I don't think it was so bad to call, in this instance.

Now, when you can get to the point that you are truly calling to say goodnight to the boys, without expecting or hoping her to want to talk, that would be progress. Fake it until you make it.

[confusedinpa]

She isn't going anywhere anytime soon and if she we're you have no influence right now.

Well maybe she is going somewhere soon - I got an email from her that said "I won't be at baseball tonight" I waited about an hour before I replied "Thanks for letting me know" (talk about faking it until I make it)

Of course all the crazy thoughts are going through my head that maybe she has a date or something. Up to this point, I'm fairly certain there isn't someone else, but I can not be 100% certain. I wanted to call her and ask why, but unfortunately its none of my business.

I have to remember, she has moved out and filed for divorce. That's the reality and the only reason why I've seen her is to do things with the kids. So I need to keep working on me to be the best me I can be, for me and the my boys.

So why is it so hard?!?!?!

[antlers]

You simply need to no longer initiate conversation with her unless she initiates it with you, no matter how you feel and want to. Leave her alone.

So how would you handle yesterday's scenario, where she called but didn't leave a message? I didn't call her back, nor did I respond to her email from earlier in the day (just a FYI on a news article about her Dad getting let go from his job). I had thought about sending an email back about like "That's really too bad", but we had talked about that already on Friday last week.

So do you think I should have called her back even though she didn't leave a message (I got a missed call message on my cell)?

This morning she sent me a text saying that she had set up the end of semester conference with my 3 year old's teacher. I did reply by saying "Thanks for setting that up".

This Dark/Dim is a tough line. I think I was overly (if it's possible) Dark yesterday, vs. Dim.

I've been staying the course of not initiating contact each day and I do not call her unless I'm returning her call/email.

I am very concerned this is making this worse, as Sandi has pointed out, she may not be like the typical WAW. As her principle issue had been that I neglected her by not paying attention to her, isn't Dark/Dim reinforcing that? My wife has told me a couple of weeks ago, that I should treat her the way I want to treat her. And said specifically that if I wanted to call her, I should just call her. She said I should just be myself. I'm not sure if most WAW's would say that. Not sure if what's going on here is confusing her as well as she's trying to figure me out.

ARGH!!!!!!! This is hard, but then again, if it was easy, the divorce rate wouldn't be what it is in this country.....

You want her to miss you! I know that it's hard...because it feels like it's the opposite of what you should be doing! It's not.