Newly separated...spouse left, 4th thread

[SmileysPerson]

At a minimum, you should say "thanks" for the reply and the thoughts. But if it were me I wouldn't try to gild the lilly, turn him into a recruit for Team Antlers, pry information from him.

Trying to preserve one's marriage is never "futile" -- which is to say (thanks to Mssrs. Webster and Merriam) it isn't an act that "serves no useful purpose."

That being said, however, one would want to be cautious about defining that "purpose." At a minimum, The Work -- and your demonstrated willingness to undertake The Work -- says something about Who You Are.

And it's never futile to lay that marker down. As my Good Christian Man Friend likes to say when ministering to me, heathen that I am, there is grace and nobility in what we do when we show our true colors, especially when the doing is difficult and challenging. You will live with it and know; they will live with it and know.

In my own sitch, this seems (mind-reading alert) to be one of the things that is sort of eating at WAW -- I'm not making it easy for her by accepting it. Which is weird but true. Resisting, fighting, being nasty -- all that would validate, affirm, justify, and rationalize. But by trying to live -- again, despite my heathenity -- with "grace and nobility".....well that just doesn't square with the WAW worldview.

But it makes things pretty great for me. So think about that, my friend -- if you're making things great for you, in what possible Bizzaro World could that be "futile"?

[Astimegoeson]

I know about friendships with father-in-laws. I still go Walleye fishing up at Lake Erie from time to time with my ex father-in-law.

One thing we NEVER discuss is my failed M to his Daughter. He feels bad for it already and just wants to enjoy his retirement and have somebody help pay for the gas for his boat. He and I would rather just fish instead of talk about his Daughter.

Whatever you do, don't put a burden on this guy's shoulder. He probably already feels bad enough for both of you. He's not going to be able to intercede for you like you might be thinking. This is something you have to deal with on your own.

Just my advice born from my own experience. Take it as you will. Not set in stone or true for every situation.

[The Wifey]

Antlers,

You pray God can forgive you? God already has. I understand where you are. Get on your knees and just talk to him. Give your burden to Him. You don't have to have fancy words.

A lot of times I just say God, change me. Change me in a way that would be pleasing to you. Sometimes I just say the pain is too much, Lord, I need you.

You wish for another chance? Wishing won't get you one. Now THE WORK, the GAL, the growing just might. She loved you once. You do not know the end yet. God has the road map, so just step out on faith.

Incidentally, fishing is an awesome healing activity. Do it as often as possible.

[antlers]

You are right - he has said the same thing that people here have been saying in many of the threads (your's and mine). I would respond by saying "Thank you for your insight and support. It means more to me than you can imagine. It helps to know that there are people who can support and give me strength during this difficult time" and leave it at that. Of course put it in your own words.....

Best of luck

Thanks...that's a good response. I'm keepin' up with ya'...and I hope things go well for you.

[antlers]

At a minimum, you should say "thanks" for the reply and the thoughts. But if it were me I wouldn't try to gild the lilly, turn him into a recruit for Team Antlers, pry information from him.

Trying to preserve one's marriage is never "futile" -- which is to say (thanks to Mssrs. Webster and Merriam) it isn't an act that "serves no useful purpose."

That being said, however, one would want to be cautious about defining that "purpose." At a minimum, The Work -- and your demonstrated willingness to undertake The Work -- says something about Who You Are.

And it's never futile to lay that marker down. As my Good Christian Man Friend likes to say when ministering to me, heathen that I am, there is grace and nobility in what we do when we show our true colors, especially when the doing is difficult and challenging. You will live with it and know; they will live with it and know.

In my own sitch, this seems (mind-reading alert) to be one of the things that is sort of eating at WAW -- I'm not making it easy for her by accepting it. Which is weird but true. Resisting, fighting, being nasty -- all that would validate, affirm, justify, and rationalize. But by trying to live -- again, despite my heathenity -- with "grace and nobility".....well that just doesn't square with the WAW worldview.

But it makes things pretty great for me. So think about that, my friend -- if you're making things great for you, in what possible Bizzaro World could that be "futile"?

Hey SP.

Nah...I'm honestly not trying to get him to intercede for me. It's just nice to know that he's there, and still cares.

I agree...I don't think it's futile right now. DB'n does sereve a useful purpose.

I've done a lot of work, and I'll continue to do so...regardless. I am a better man already, and I'll continue to progress. I'm committed.

"There is grace and nobility in what we do when we show our true colors, especially when the doing is difficult and challenging." Absolutely, I agree! I'll live with it and know...but who do you mean by "they will live with it and know"?

I'm working on 'dropping that rope'...thanks to a great analogy from Coach. Living with grace and nobility is honorable...even for heathens! Too bad it doesn't sit well with her!

I'm really working at making things great for me...no futility in that! I'm keeping up with ya'...I hope you continue to get stronger, and I hope good things for ya'!

[antlers]

Antlers,

You pray God can forgive you? God already has. I understand where you are. Get on your knees and just talk to him. Give your burden to Him. You don't have to have fancy words.

A lot of times I just say God, change me. Change me in a way that would be pleasing to you. Sometimes I just say the pain is too much, Lord, I need you.

You wish for another chance? Wishing won't get you one. Now THE WORK, the GAL, the growing just might. She loved you once. You do not know the end yet. God has the road map, so just step out on faith.

Incidentally, fishing is an awesome healing activity. Do it as often as possible.

I believe that He has too! I haven't though! I'm working on it...maybe it just takes prayerful time. I talk to Him a lot...sometimes I don't think there's anyone there though. I want this burden to be lifted.

I've been praying to know what His will is for me...and the strength and guidance to see it through. The pain...I guess I need His help with this. I ask for it...but it's still there.

Yep...I do. I know 'wishing' won't get me one...but I'm committed to doing the work and growing into a better man. I feel like I'm doing it too! "She loved you once. You do not know the end yet. God has the road map, so just step out on faith." I am, but at the same time I have to do the work and also keep my feet on the ground.

I've been reading your posts...and I like 'em.

[antlers]

FaithfulH wrote - "With your kids in particular, love 'em up....but, understand they are hurting too. They want the pain to go away and they will say or do anything that their young minds think will make it stop."


Thank You for 'that'. I've been having trouble with my kids, especially the 2 girls...and especially with the 12 y/o! The above statement sheds some light on it. I knew she was bothered with things, and this helps me understand some of why she acts the way she does.

[antlers]

I've got my kids for 3 nights, and tonight is the 2nd night. Yesterday was their last day of school, and they played outside until after dark while I worked in the flower beds. Today, we went to see 'Wolverine' and my daughter took a couple of her friends too! It was fun. We'll cook out later on this evening.

This is from MWD herself..."You can focus on what's missing in your life and be miserable and make everyone around you miserable, or you can focus on what you have and feel pleased and help everyone around you feel good about themselves and about you."

And from Coach..."Open your mind and heart to new ideas, thoughts and beliefs."

[antlers]

Kids and I have had 3 really good days and nights...they'll go back this evening.

Maybe the quickest and most effective way to change how you think or feel is to take an action. I've stayed pretty busy over the last couple of days. It seems to trigger different feelings and perspectives. Staying busy is much better than sitting around the house waiting for your atttitude to change.
"What you focus on expands."

I hope all of you folks are doing as well as you can under the circumstances.

[Astimegoeson]

Maybe the quickest and most effective way to change how you think or feel is to take an action. I've stayed pretty busy over the last couple of days. It seems to trigger different feelings and perspectives. Staying busy is much better than sitting around the house waiting for your atttitude to change.
"What you focus on expands."

Your spot on there antlers. Astimegoeson, you'll find those other things your focusing on come natural. You don't have to create the 'busy work' in order to dull the reality of your situation. I think that's the principal behind the 'fake it till you make it' advice.