The real issue is his separating of himself physically (sexually) and emotionally (heart) from me. How can he have such a good time with me/us, enjoy himself, look forward to events, and keep that part of "us" that makes "us" "us" absent? I don't get it. We used to go away every anniversary overnight for the weekend... used to go a few times a year, at least overnight for a day or two... used to do out together on "dates." His life now is being w/me because I am w/the kids (it appears), but HE ENJOYS HIMSELF! He's not sitting there mad at me, not complaining about me... He smiles, laughs, asks me to help him w/stories, asks me to recall a funny memory, etc...
straight up and to the point.....and if you let this put you on the coaster then I'll personally come and kick your azzzz..
he will not be physical/emotional with you because 1. he is unsure where this is going...2. he is not ready..3. he senses when you try to control things and move them towards intimacy and he pulls back when you do...
those three things he does so if he decides that he is truly done then he can look back and justify in his mind that he never gave you any hope...and if he quits you will throw that at him..that he gave you hope by staying..
in other words he is "playing nice" he is only partially in the M..he also puts on a public show that nothing is wrong with the M by going out with you, doing with you and the kids..etc..
just about all WAS's do it IMO..they go through this stage...
it is your job to do as you have been doing, avoid backslides....make yourself happy because he can't make you happy now...nor ever..
now you should get it...
carry on...
Last edited by M from Tennessee; 05/27/0902:39 PM.
When I am saddest I go somewhere I can't be seen and cry my eyes out. When I want to attack him, convince him, show him there is a better way - I journal. When I am in a bad mood I GAL alone. Really, your feelings are all normal.
He is antsy because he has his STUFF to deal with. You can't do it for him. He is confused. You can't help him.
You can only save you! I promise it will get better. And you will be amazed at how you will grow.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
H just called, checking on events of the weekend (graduation)... Asked what I was up to...
Told him a little about my work this am, and that I had cleaned out his closet. He had a lot of shirts he doesn't wear, now lacking on space and hangers! H's voice is noticeably elevated, and says, "Oh, Good! I can bag them up, and bring them to this guy in (his customer). The guy makes nothing, and loves getting my clothes (he had brought them to him before)."
He also likes to be laughed with... major jokester. I think he thinks he is liked/loved if you find him funny/amusing. That works up there w/Words of Affirmation.
And, even when we're in a crowd, he always sets next to me, but away from "the crowd," like, for example, last night at the restaurant (with the 6th graders families), he sits down next to me, and, on the other side is S9, and more kids beyond S9... On my other side are all of the adults (that he knows). I ask him if he'd rather sit in my seat, further away from the kids, as it was kind of loud and wild. He says, "I'm ok, here." Struck me, that he always prefers that... if he's just next to me. He'll engage with the others, but doesn't want to be in the thick of it.
Last edited by mindblank; 05/27/0907:16 PM.
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
So you asked me to look at your sitch. Which I did. First things first -- I know nothing. I'm making all this stuff up as I go along. Fakin' it 'till I make it.
What occurs to me is that you already have plenty of mojo. You've just compartmentalized it.
Compare
@5/6/09: "you can't just choose to detach"
to
@5/21/09: "Work was good today. We kicked a$$ on our demo's!"
So you're busting out the mojolation for work, but not for yourself. Why would that be?
Any number of possible reasons, but I suspect the biggest one (as it was for me) is The Fear -- yellow, freakin' fear. Fear that if you bust a Mojo on H he'll walk; fear that if you wield your Mojolicious powers over H he'll cave and you'll get what you want and find you don't want it; fear that your Mojo will drive H away and you'll lose what you've gained; fear that H is Mojo-proof -- only you know the name of demon that lurks in the dark. Maybe, just maybe, you'd rather have what you have than risk shooting craps. And maybe, just maybe, that "settling for" is really what's eating away at you?
The answer is -- we don't know. Because you don't know.
So what do you do? You save your Mojo for work, where you can be You with a capital "Y," and you let H -- and your desire for H and the fact that, at the end of the day, as frustrating and irritating and disappointing as it is you LIKE having H around -- you let that force you to sublimate your Mojo -- to deny your Mojo within the sanctified walls of Home.
"You can't just choose to detach," you wrote. Sure you can. If you want to. That's what the Mojo is for. You pretend you're detached. And after a while the pretending stops being pretending and starts being real.
And you know this to be true -- you go to a job. How we behave on the job -- it's all pretend. It's make-believe. Oh, sure, maybe we've got skills and knowledge -- but that attitude, that persona?
Phony as a 3-dollar bill. Really -- do you think used car salesmen sound like that at home? "Hey! Kids! I'd love to put you into a classic episode of SpongeBob! Now wait! Don't love it 'till you try it! And if you watch SpongeBob today! For the incredibly low price of Free! I'll throw in a Hannah Montana! AND a scoop of ice cream! After I check with my manager!"
So when you're en route to that job -- "Demo's went well in IA," you wrote -- somewhere between H and Home and boss and work, you stop being mindblank and start being Una Mojalera Mejor who "kicked a$$." So is that Job Person really you?
Of course it is. It's You, big Y, wearing your Game Face. Wearing your Battle Mask. Slipping on your tights and putting on the A$$-Kicking Pro From Dover cape -- MojoWoman.
And of course it isn't. It's the You you created for the moment, for the job, for the mission. To address the Need -- the need for a$$-kicking mojolation to Make The Sale.
And then you go back home and - poof! - turn into mindblank.
So let me ask you -- why're you leaving your Mojo on the front steps? You've got the Mojo -- in spades. Why do you fear it?
