I've been reading along with your sit, and I want to say that you and your family remain in my prayers. I don't think that I can say anything to help, as I see that you are getting a lot of great advice here. I will say that so much of what you've posted reminds me so much of my W (prior to our reconciliation) and myself up to this day. Especially that post you wrote about disclosing your own sins to your W; that reminded me so much of myself! But I think in their eyes (and my W has even said this), we just come accross as unapproachable and maybe even self-righteous. I don't think we mean to be that way, but that's what comes accross. Your W had a full blown affair, and she knows that was very wrong, so she probably can't draw any comparison between that and your viewing porn. Anyhow, what I'm learning is that I need to love my W unconditionally and covenantly; for me this means that my love for her is not based on what she does/does not do, nor is it based on her righteousness. Remember, Christ loved us even when we were His enemies. I can tell that you are very angry with your W (rightfully so), but this anger and resentment can't be helpful to your marriage. You can't see her as an adulterous, narcissistic, immature person, and still claim to love her. Try hard (as someone else already said) to look at the things you do love about her, and see her as a human. Try to just love your W unconditionally. I don't think this is easy, and God knows I struggle with it myself, but it is what we are called to do. You are an amazing guy (who by the way has nothing to be embarrased about!) and I know that you have poured your blood and sweat into your marriage, which is why it is so obvious to all of us how much you want this work. Stop keeping a scoreboard, and just start simply loving her. Her willingness to go to IC is huge! She is admitting that she has a problem, so now it's up to you to consistently love her through her struggles. No more quid pro quo. Man, I know this is very difficult and painful, but look to the cross for inspiration. And when you fall short, remember God's grace is sufficient. I will keep you in my daily prayers.
