GETTING UN'STUCK'

[confusedinpa]

Its so hard to do, but you gotta relax a little buddy. That starts with GAL. Go out and DO and LIVE. It really and truly will help.

You know this is going to sound hypocritical coming from me as I struggle with this one as well, but Wifey is absolutely right.

One of the things I have done is that I've gotten a number of picture frames/wall art which has sayings that are related to this to help keep me focused.

One of my favorite is "Live, Laugh and Love like there is no tomorrow". That's on a picture frame where I have pictures of each of my boys and one where the 4 of us are together happy - at least my wife looked happy as well, according to her she was faking it :-p

[MrBond]

Hi Wifey and CIPA,

I have been GALing as much as possible. It's just difficult when you live in the same household with kids.

I've got to find more things to do without seeming to be too much around. I sometimes get the feeling that she's going to be perfectly happy to remain roomates which I have told her explicitely is something that I do not want.

[confusedinpa]

You know, ironically, at this point (5 weeks since my WAW moved out), I would take being roommates again.

I know how hard it is to try and get a life while we were together with kids (our age demographics are very similar - just check the sig).

I started with going to the gym. I would just take my boys as there was "babysitting" there for just $1/kid. One time I went to the gym when she was out shopping with the kids (part of my 180 as normally we would have all gone shopping together). That was the time I wasn't in the mood to deal with situation so I wound up calling my buddy after the gym to grab a beer. She acted extremely jealous when I did get home (she even had dinner waiting for me that nite). I did feel bad because I missed dinner with the boys.

Then I went out for beer and wings with friends.

Another time I took the boys with me to visit a friend (who also had kids) that I hadn't seen in years. (The infamous CT trip if you remember from my situation). That was the trip that I left for with the boys the morning after I gave her the "I love her enough that I want her to feel free to do what she wanted. If she wanted to leave, I wasn't going to stand in her way".

I still question if that was the right move, but I have to remind myself that she had scheduled a meeting for us for a real estate agent for us to sell the house so we could split up. I really made the call that it was best to at least keep the house (the only home my 2 boys knew) to offer some stability if she and I were really going to be separated.

Anyway, sorry for the tangent, it is hard to get a life when in the same house with young kids, but it is possible. It's just that getting a life may include taking your kids with you. I interpretted getting a life as doing things without the spouse, whether it was with the kids or not. Not sure if that was right, but that was what I did.

But then again, what do I know. My wife left me 5 weeks ago and I'm still a mess with very little hope.

Hope you are at least able to enjoy the holiday weekend.

[confusedinpa]

Stuck

Haven't heard from you in a while. How are things going? Any progress on getting a life?

[FightingFit]

I dont really believe in GALing, I believe in SURVIVING

and not everyone has the ability or funds to GAL. they may be in situations they cannot GAL.

but they can still move on in other ways, by choosing to work on themselves thru reading and learning (may i recommend the dalai lama) doing quiet hobbies at home, or spending time doing something involved but very isolated, like lego, scaletrix, building blocks. at first i think its imporant not so much to GAL, outside, but to just learn some nice techniques at home to detach - times when you cant think of your sitch. it could be crotcheting. it could be building a train track. it could be reading the bible. or bible study. it doesnt necessarly mean 'get out of your house and pretend to be gay" when your totally NOT feeling at all gay.

I also think a pet helps. I know a lot will go 'what?' but ive seen it. divorce pets can do wonders. you might have hated dogs your entire life. try one in divorce. amazing.

the main trick is to shift the focus, and if your not overly social, it doesnt have to be getting out into clubs or such or joiing a gym. it could mean cuddling a new puppy watching CSI.

the point is to gradually learn you can be alone. and live. and will continue to LIVE.

[MrBond]

Here's an update:

Last weekend I took my wife to see Mamma Mia. Just us, no kids.
Beforehand I took her to dinner at a nice Italian restaurant and tried to keep everything as light as possible. After awhile I actually started running out of things to say because she wasn't talking back or just giving yes or no answers.

Then the show came up, which was very good and lively. This was Mama Mia where there's alot of singing and dancing. At certain points I would look over to her and see her reaction, but I saw that she wasn't laughing at all the light parts of it. The walk to the car was one of the longest ones I've ever experienced. We didn't say a word to each other the whole time. I tried, but she didn't say anything.

Then when we got home, she wished me goodnight and went straight to bed. Ugh, sometimes I get the feeling that she blames the M for how she's feeling. Right now I feel like I'm the easy target because she doesn't have any friends and doesn't go out. So all her negative emotions get centered around our R. I think that's one of the reasons she sought out the OM at work where there are no responsibilities.

[MrBond]

That same Sunday of the show, she told me about a writing job in California that I should apply for. At first I was shocked that she even mentioned it, because it would require me to move out of state for a year. And given out sitch, I wasn't sure if she meant it as a chance for her to fool around on me more.

I don't know if she still considers herself separated and "available" just because she doesn't have her ring on and she has never told me why she's back in the house, but I thought it was extremely rude and insensitive for her to even suggest such a move.

It got to me so much that along with her ice-cold reaction to the dinner and show Saturday night, I felt this really strong anger building up in me. On my way in to work today, I left a message on her work answering machine about it. I just felt I couldn't stand to be disrespected anymore. I told her that I was no one's "second pick" and that before she dared me asking if I didn't think she could find someone else. I told her that I had no doubt she could find someone else, but that she would never find someone who would stay by her side after she cheated on them, never apologized, treated them with no respect and like dirt, etc.

I told her that I was here for one thing and one thing only. Because I was her H and that's what H's do. But that I would not continue to take her talking down to me. I told her that she was not like that before and that I thought she might be suffering from depression and need help. I also told her that she really should think about how she's treating me and if she wanted to lose the last and only friend she has left.

I know, my bad. I think the pent up frustration just really got to me.

Since then, on Monday night everything was fine and happy, then on Tuesday night, I noticed that she once again started to withdraw and that she had put our girls to bed without saying "goodnight" to me which is what she normally does. That wouldn't have bothered me, but I then started thinking back that she hadn't done it in awhile which I thought was rude. So I told her the following morning that she was acting rude in doing so and that evening she was all fine like nothing was wrong again.

Well, get this. For some reason I felt the urge to google her OM's name on Wednesday. Lo and behold, evidently someone else who works with them asked for a background check on this guy to see if he was really a Navy Seal. Turns out he wasn't. What a fraud! A couple of months ago she accused me of doing something online to ruin this guy's rep which I didn't do. So I told her about it that night so that she wouldn't start accusing me of more stuff and that I was worried about what kind of psycho she works with and fell in love with. She thanked me and went to bed.

I followed her in and told her how she was acting very short tempered and talking down to me, which she said she didn't know she was doing. So then it spun into a R talk and her saying that she didn't want to be M anymore. I asked her why again and she said she just didn't love me. I asked her again how did she get to that point and she said she just didn't love me. Then I brought up how after our first daughter was born she told me that she could see herself as a single mom. I told her at that time we should have realized there was something wrong, but she said that that is when she should have left. AT that time I asked her why she said that and she told me she didn't know.

I don't know where she gets this running away issue. Where when there's a problem she just leaves. I asked her about the ring and she told me that she doesn't wear it because she doesn't consider us married. WTF? She's home, carrying on like nothing is wrong and doesn't consider us M? She also said she could see herself living like roommates without sex. I told her she's gotta be kidding and that she hasn't thought of me in the slightest. She said she just wants to be independent and live on her own.

I told her that it was impossible since she had the girls and besides, she always had the option to do whatever she wanted to do, buy whatever she wanted, etc. Plus she's living in the house she wanted and purchased together with me. Everything she has been doing was her being "independent". She doesn't even share her thoughts with me anyway. She then said that she did not want me to fulfill her needs and wants, etc. Funny when I didn't even know what those were.

I then told her how her mood swings have been affecting our Ds. How she's much shorter to them and scolds them much more than she ever had. Like the other night, my 6 y.o. daughter had accidentally gotten a few sugar crystals on my W's sleeve and my W's face just dropped and got angry and when my D apologized, my W wouldn't even acknowledge which made my D feel terrible.

So after that wonderful conversation, I decided to really start working on myself. So over the weekend, I went to church and started working out. I was cordial and nice to my W and we spent all weekend together with the girls. Then Monday rolls around and she's back to her distant self.

I know I get a 2x4 for that last conversation. It must be the sexual frustration! : )

I just don't understand how anyone can be so detached living under the same roof and not want to work on anything and stay miserable. I did tell her that I thought she was going through a MLC and that if she wanted to make the most of it, she should build on what she had and not tear down everything. And that if she did so then she wouldn't have a house, our kids wouldn't be able to go to private school, etc. I was on a roll.

Anyone with any ideas? Do you think she's hanging around because she's confused, or do you think she's of the mindset to live like roommates or leave? When I'm around her, should I act as if we are still a M couple? Or give her space like a roommate? She's signed us up for a couple of outings as a family and I get the feeling that if I asked her out to lunch alone, she'd accept.

Even though I brought up the issue of her depression, I don't think she's going to do anything about it. Oh one thing I did say to her Sunday night before she went to bed, is that if we hadn't gotten married like she keeps saying was a mistake, we wouldn't have had our oldest D. And if she had left when she made the single parent remark, we wouldn't have had our beautiful second D. She seemed to have thought about that for a bit.

Then yesterday, I met my W and our Ds at the dentist for the girls' appointment. While we were waiting for them in the waiting room, we were just reading magazines when I saw something interesting, I'd point it out to her. She'd make a comment about it and then go back to not saying anything.

While we were sitting there, I couldn't help but keep glancing at her and wondering what she was thinking. She was just sitting there not saying a word. Based on what you asked about how I would treat a friend, I would actually have had a conversation with them. Kind of hard when it's one sided though. So I just left things quiet.

Before we used to call each other at work to see how the other was doing and she's stopped that. I've been doing it every now and then, but should I stop it as well? I don't want to seem needy to her.

When we left, she was polite and friendly, then left. It's odd how the LBS tend to put every action that the WAS does under a microscope.

Any thoughts are greatly appreciated and 2x4's. That's how I learn after all.

[Kittyfish]

Dang. I had a whole long post and when I previewed it I forgot to save it!

Here is my take on the sitch- which you may not end up liking.....

She is either still involved with OM or she is going through extreme withdrawal from working with him. It's obvious to me because she is fine on the weekends and then on Mondays she gets hateful and stuff. What's the connection there? She sees OM at work or at the very least associates it with him.

She cannot work with OM. Period. Too much temptation. Every time she sees him or interacts with him she has to go through withdrawal from the affair again or has the temptation to go back to it.

She's either gone deeper underground with the affair or is just in withdrawal. I vote for #1. Have you checked her email or cell phone bills???

She seems to want to continue to live with you because it benefits her financially and with help with the kids. But she doesn't feel any need to try to meet your needs or work on the marriage. Question is- how long are you willing to live in a loveless marriage??

I can post more thoughts when you reply.

[MrBond]

Thanks KF!

Well I don't think she's gone any further in her R with the OM in a physical sense. She doesn't call him and she doesn't email at night or on the weekends. She comes home on time and calls me when she's late.

I think she's in withdrawal because she's never really "admitted" to me that it was an A even though she told me she kissed him a couple of times and wanted to leave our family for him. How messed up is that?

My thought is maybe she figured her attraction to this guy was a wake up call to her that there's something better to her out there. One thing she told me was that she's not attracted to me and was never attracted to me. And said that she was attracted to this guy.

Just FYI, this OM looks like her grandfather...literally. Her grandfather was the only positive male role model in her life. Her dad left their family when she was six and never came home. So when we were first dating up to the month that she left (17 years mind you), she would ask me if I would ever cheat on her and that there was never a good reason to cheat on somebody, etc. Boy was I surprised when I found out what she did. She even denied it. I kind of blew up when I told her that she had some nerve to ask me about cheating (and I have never done it) when she did it herself.

She then would tell me that it's not about him but about us. Then when I asked her what was wrong with us, she would either say 'never mind' or that it was little resentments that built up over time. When I asked her for an example, she would say times like when I forgot to put the garbage out on garbage day. WHAT?! That's your reason to leave?

Then she would get upset and say "don't you get it? I don't love you any more. and I just want to be alone."

Thing is...when we're at home with the kids or even alone at the dinner table together, we can talk and joke and if you were watching, you'd never think there was anything wrong.

What do you think?

[Coach]

So Coach, how did you get your W to initiate things?

I tried to be "on" when around her - looks, smells, had conversations ideas ready, interesting stories to tell, took away all the objections she had. I didn't discuss my sitch with anyone locally who would get back to her, I did healthy things - exercise, set up my drums in the living room, played with the dog. Took care of myself and tried all kinds of 180s, goals, do something different etc. I was all over the boards here last summer trying to get a new idea that would fix it. It's about you being your best for yourself.

I would lovingly challenge your W on some of her comments. She says she wants to be left alone. You - I feel a little confused by that because you seemed to really enjoy our time together like the other night at the dinner table. Help me understand why you feel that way?
Frame it this way: I feel ______ when you do _________.

Her LL is AOS - taking out the garbage is a no-brainer. Get all over helping with the house, clean her car, run errands etc. No expectations in return.
Cheers