PM Thread #6 - New Life for Number1 - Me

[PositivelyMommy]

My MIL called me this morning, it's got me so worried that I have come down with a migraine.

So as I wanted and suspected H has told her that I will not be bring kids to visit her next month. Good. She was so upset on the phone and laid out the guilt trip. I stood firm.

I had originally thought she called bc we told the kids about Daddy moving out and she would want to know how the kids are doing. NO. She called to tell me about her loss. About her feelings and to guilt me into changing my mind.

Well, the old PM would have caved. Not the new PM.

MIL: I am so sad you are not coming to visit me. H's cousin cried when she heard that the kids won't be coming. I have planned so many activities for the children.

Me: I am sorry but circumstances have changed and I can't afford to spend one month away from here. I have jobs now and new opportunities on the horizon, I need to be here.

MIL: Oh, I want you to have opportunities.

Me: Anyway, the kids have TWO parents. If H would like to take the kids to see you, that would be OK with me, in fact, I would be ecstatic.

MIL: Oh, but he is SO BUSY.

Me: Well, life happens. H is always waiting for everything to stop before he takes time out to spend with the kids, it doesn't work that way. Life happens all the time. Or else, you can fly out to see us, that is an option.

MIL: Well, can't you fly out here ? I can take time off work to look after them while you work from my house.

Me: Sorry but if I come out with the kids then they would want me all the time. I won't be able to write if they are forever wanting my attention.

MIL: How about you fly them out here and drop them off and then I have them and then H flies in and picks them up and brings them home?

Me: I don't know if H will have time. I have called the airlines to ask them options on what to do with our tickets. Everything is up in the air right now, we haven't made a decision yet what to do. Anyway, we just told the kids Daddy lives elsewhere, I am not sure if they want to spend one month far away from Daddy, let alone away from the BOTH OF US. I don't want them to feel dumped!

MIL: But you took the kids on two holidays already and now you are cancelling on your trip to visit me.

Me: I understand how you feel. I am very sorry but I need to write and finish my work. I can't be away for a long time.


So as you can see the whole convo was centered around her and her needs. I am beginning to recognize this now. She didn't even ask about the kids and how they were feeling about our HUGE announcement. I am trying to be compassionate. I know she was looking forward to this trip. But I feel I have been giving to this family for years and years now and it is time I start putting myself first.

The truth is I can't deal with H's family for a whole month, pretending to be having a good time and not feel the hurt especially with the kids around me. They will be watching me closely and frankly I am tired of pretending. It would be a huge mental burden on me to be with them. Also, it's a lot of work to take two kids to see all the sights and see all the relatives and huge distance to travel etc. Thirdly, I do have work opportunities opening up here and I DO need to work on my book. I need peace and quiet to write and I won't get that if on holiday with kids to visit in-laws!

My parents, friends, IC agree that not going is going to be better for my mental health. But I am a people-pleaser so it's very hard for me to say no.

I guess, H and H's family HAVE to realize - they have changed the sitch. They have to find workaround solutions for the things they want. I can't cater to them all anymore. I have to start doing what makes me happy without H in my life.

This is the first loss/inconvenience that H and his family has to suffer. They probably think I am a bit*h but I need to get over caring about what people think of me.

There would be no peace of mind if I visit them now. In fact, what I REALLY want is to visit MY family. They are used to looking after the kids for a few hours a day. I could write and I can also have peace of mind being with my family. Also, they are very supportive of me and I know everyone there will be on my side with MY best interest at heart. So who knows, maybe I will be changing my tickets to my family's destination.

BTW, here is some background.

My MIL and I were very close. When H called her twice a month, I used to be on the call as well. I was the one who would be showing her around whenever she visited because H was travelling or working most of the time so I looked after her.

She was the FIRST PERSON I called when I found out about H's A. Even before my parents. I called her almost weekly. She came to visit use last X'Mas. She mentioned on the phone beforehand that she was nervous abt meeting OW. I just said, 'My heart would be broken if you did that.'

So she visited and she met with OW. My heart and my trust was broken. It hasn't been the same for us since. I don't call her anymore and she doesn't call me to find out abt kids. We had no contact for more than three months. I felt betrayed all over again. First it was H with OW, then it was MIL with OW. I knew that if MIL appeared to accept OW then that would be it for my M because my H would think it was OK.

So here we are, I feel resentful that she met with OW, eventhough she was staying at MY HOUSE when she visited. She, in effect, gave H permission to behave this way.

I don't want to spend a month with a person who I resent. I have done that one already with H and it was not pleasant. I don't want to go thousands of miles just to fight with her. What would it achieve except more heartache?