New around here...

[hopeful_cb]

Thanks for the ideas Mnt. I cant paint bc I rent but I will definitely take some ideas forward. I think it will make me feel good about my place.

I have been extremely tired today. I didn't get enough sleep last night and it was hard getting back into work after the long weekend.

I really want to call H tonight, struggling with this a lot. Feeling a bit hopeless about the whole situation like nothing is helping. At this point it feels like calling him can't possibly hurt anything.

[stillloveshim]

Hi hopeful--
I guess I'm in a slightly different school when it comes to backing off....I think you keep contact with H as much as possible without annoying him and without him thinking you are desperate to work it out. But you take the pressure off. I think you are doing great in letting him know you have GAL but I think maybe it is time to give him a call. Maybe tell him your plans for the evening fell through, want to grab a burger and a beer....or whatever....just make it clear you are going no matter what. "My plans fell through so change of venue....I'm gonna go to blah blah and get some dinner, want to join me?" And if he asks who you are going with, tell him "with you or I'll sit at the bar." Make it clear that you are confident enough now to grab dinner by yourself at a restaurant (with a bar)--I think that screams confident. And if he says no, say "Oh, I'm sorry we won't get to catch up" or something like that and get off the phone....maybe ask as an after thought "Oh, how are you by the way--all going well?" And then hang up.
Call him, get back in his head.

[antlers]

Maybe keep the same distance from him that he's keeping from you...takes the pressure off!

[hopeful_cb]

Thanks you guys for the comments. I think the mistake I may have made in the past was no responding at all trying to show I was busy, so now contact has gone down even less. It doesn't seem as what I've been doing has been working too well so maybe its time to review things a bit. I appreciate the help!

[kara]

Hi hopeful

Just checking in to see how you are doing. I understand your struggle over calling. I can't tell you what to do as in my sitch it never worked well when I gave into the temptation. Of course at that time I was applying lots of pressure so it would definitely have been seen as pursuing. Now I have completely taken all pressure away.

As I said I can't give any advice. Taking away the temptation, what does your gut tell you? Even when I kept pursuing my gut would tell me not to call etc. What does your instinct tell you to do? Let us know how it goes whatever you decide.

[judyc]

Hi Hopeful,

I tend to agree with stillloveshim. Everyone's sitch is different, but I share her philosophy. Show him you are self-confident, have GAL, but as she states, don't act desperate. I am finding that by being positive and self-confident in my H's presence really takes the edge off and allows us both to relax and have a good time. Non-pressure calls/emails a couple of times per week seems to keep the machine running. Your mileage may vary.

[stillloveshim]

Exactly. Call him with something stupid and silly and fun. Maybe you see something, hear something etc, that triggers a funny memory with him included. Call him...."OMG, remember when...blah blah blah? I just saw/heard blah blah blah and it made me think of that!......"
No pressure, just fun and light--BUT make sure you hang up first.

[hopeful_cb]

Thanks guys for all your comments, I'll reply to them after a little thought.

As for updating, H talked to me last night and it was a complete nightmare.

At first he was just asking about how I was, telling me what he'd been up to. I tried to keep it light and joking. Then he asked me for money, telling me about him not having enough and that I am not even paying for half of things. So there was a discussion about that. After it all I said I'd get back to him on it, (as I wasn't about to promise anything and didn't want to argue about it).

He also mentioned about possibly looking for new jobs, said his company might go under, mentioned a few places he may look at if that did happen.

Then OW subject came up. A lot of things were said. Basically the main things he said were that

'I am just living my life at the moment. not stressing about what I am doing just being me.'

'I am not doing things for you or to spite you'

'I really dont have a need to clear things with you or to run things past you, I am not doing anything that disrespects you, nothing that I feel is wrong'

He went on to say 'I do spend time with her. but I don't spend all of my time with her. I have no reason to lie to you'

When I asked if they were having a relationship? he said 'starting to I guess. but all the things that I talked about apply, I need to be happy in myself, I enjoy living here and having my time'

I ended up saying something like 'It is very disrespectful to me to be carrying on a relationship with another woman while still married to me' I can't quite remember all the rest of it, there was so much going on.

I am still trying to process it all I guess. Trying to figure out what to do now. It does feel like the last blow really.

[stillloveshim]

Hi hopeful_cb
I had pretty much the exact same conversation with my H. Minus the part about the money.
H and I are still on the rocks. He says D, he says move on and then wants to hang out and ML.
So believe nothing they say and only 50% of what they do. Very important to remember.
And I agree with you, it is a disrespectful thing what he's doing, but in their minds because you are separated, it's ok. So there's not one reason for you to fight that anymore. You are not going to convince him if he really believes this and you are only going to make it worse if he does agree with you but just wants to be selfish. So leave it alone.
The only thing you can do now besides GAL, find out what it is about her he likes so much and blow her out of the water. Otherwise, don't bring her up anymore and besides, sounds like he can't afford to take her out.

[hopeful_cb]

Thanks for that stillloveshim, you are right, he is totally convinced that it is ok as we are separated. I guess I will make sure I don't bring it up again at this point. Did you continue to spend time, hang out with H while all of this was going on?

One thing that seemed to jump out at me that he has said before and then again yesterday is that, I used to go away and he would miss me, but recently I would go and he just stopped missing me. [Thru our relationship I used to go away a once or twice a year visiting family sometimes for a month or 2(when i could manage it)]

I'm not sure what he likes about her so much, I would guess that it is mainly 1. she is there(like all the time bc he is kind of her manager at work+lives nearby) 2.she brings no responsibility to the relationship 3.she hangs on his every word, laughs at all his jokes, general attention giving. (+ probably the kind of stuff we used to do before he started to feel like we had 'said it all' to each other)

And no I don't think he can afford to take her out, but I'm sure he still does. Also I think she is the kind of girl that doesn't mind too much if he has no money. He went into a whole spiel about worrying about me being able to manage money wise after our 'agreement' (he basically said he would keep paying rent til July) I ended saying I can manage just fine, don't worry about me. And he went on to say 'I am sh*t with money' He never had to learn to manage his money. I was thinking yes I know. but am not about to feel sorry for him one darn bit. Just venting a bit...

Also on second look of everything we talked about, I guess I did not learn anything new or that I wasn't already pretty sure of myself, he just actually spoke to me about it. I guess I feel like I messed up as he may now feel like he has to file for D after the comments I made about being disrespectful to me, where as he was not interested in filing before.