Newcomer, want to keep my hope alive!

[iwantittowork]

Thanks H20, I really appreciate your thoughts and feelings, I need as many as I can get to keep me focused.

The last 5 days I have been spending on myself and my D, I had 1 bad last Saturday where I tried to talk to my W about what she is looking for in our upcoming D.

Here is what she wants:
Me to move out and move on, and support her and my D after financially. If I can't afford to run 2 places I can move in with my parents and continue to support my D and her for the near future.

Needless to say I was not happy with that, and we started to argue about everything again. She says I am at fault for the issues in our M. I said I would take 100% responsibility for the things I have done wrong, but I felt I was only 50% responsible for the M and issues there, and asked her what she felt she was responsible for with our issues.

She said she was at fault for not speaking up about what I was doing wrong in our relationship, and takes responsibility for that.

Needless to say, I was distraught the rest of that day, but over the past couple days in talking with people an my personal C, that is not a fair assessment of our M and responsibilities.

So, for me it is not good to talk about our M, so I am resolving to try NOT to talk about it, or our D proceedings unless we are in the mediators office, although no one I have talked to things that mediation is going to work for us. I still think it's going to be worthwhile to meet with the mediator a few times and see if he thinks we will be able to resolve our differences.

I have spent the last 5 days or so mostly away from my W, had my birthday party without her for the first time in 14 years, and spending weekend time with my D away from our house.

I did note a couple things over those few days:
When we left for my party with my D, she was crying as we left, for someone that says they have no feelings for me or our M, that seemed interesting.

Yesterday, I had a package of books and cd's come in with some self help material, and she was very curious about what was in it, walking past me at one point trying to glance over at what I was doing, and then later on that night, making sure she asked me what was in the package. I just told her some books and cd's..

Nothing really of note other than that, though I thought that was interesting, if she got some books or cd's in and I asked about them, I am sure I would get a none of your business in reply answer..