Newly separated...spouse left, 4th thread

[antlers]

Well, the kids are out of town for the long weekend...it was my weekend to have them, and I'm off work for 3 days. Kinda strugglin' this morning. I've gone on a 10 mile bike ride and trimmed all the hedges in my flower beds today already. There's lots of work to do on and around the house...enough to keep me occupied. I miss my kids though. I really feel OK a lot of the time, but sometimes I get kinda down, and it's disappointing. I'm kinda there this morning. Anyway, I keep going back to what Coach said...


Antlers wrote "Please tell me just what it entails to 'drop the rope'?"


Coach said "Imagine pulling with all your might on a rope tied to a elephant's leg that doesn't want to move. Tension on the rope, the elephant's getting torqued, and you are wasting all your energy and getting no results. The elephant just ain't moving. So why keep pulling on the rope?
The goal is to get the elephant to move. Release all the tension between you and the elephant. Catch your breathe and try something different. The elephant is not going to move just because you are trying with all your strength, want it to and would love it to. The elephant moves when it wants to. Drop the rope. Do something for yourself and see if the elephant gets interested enough to check it out. Be a elephant whisperer :D!
You do what is healthy and productive for you.
Here is a list to start on:"


Antlers wrote "I so much want to be strong, secure, powerful, assertive, and ambitious again."


And then his signature line say a lot too - "Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be."


I'm struggling this morning, but I'm gonna do the best I can anyway.

[Astimegoeson]

Hi Antler,

I'm sort of an old timer here who pokes his nose in and out to see if I could offer help. I remember early in my situation where I didn't really feel I had anywhere to turn for advice. There's no sure fire advice to all the questions I had, but speaking with those who had been through the same thing was the next best thing to 'sure fire' advice that I could hope for.

Your getting a lot of good advice and I can tell by your progress on these post that you'll be fine no matter what happens. You'll struggle here and there, but the struggle will become less and less difficult for you.

Your 'strong, secure, powerful, assertive, and ambitious nature' will return in all it's glory some day. It's foundation will be stronger and more genuine from this experience. This, I promise happens regardless of how it turns out. Believe that and it will make things easier on you in the interim and during this transition in your life.

[antlers]

Hi Antler,

I'm sort of an old timer here who pokes his nose in and out to see if I could offer help. I remember early in my situation where I didn't really feel I had anywhere to turn for advice. There's no sure fire advice to all the questions I had, but speaking with those who had been through the same thing was the next best thing to 'sure fire' advice that I could hope for.

Your getting a lot of good advice and I can tell by your progress on these post that you'll be fine no matter what happens. You'll struggle here and there, but the struggle will become less and less difficult for you.

Your 'strong, secure, powerful, assertive, and ambitious nature' will return in all it's glory some day. It's foundation will be stronger and more genuine from this experience. This, I promise happens regardless of how it turns out. Believe that and it will make things easier on you in the interim and during this transition in your life.

Hi Astimegoeson.

Thank you for responding. I appreciate folks like you so much. Hope you'll come by more. I need lots of help and support, especially from folks who are very experienced at this difficult stuff. I want to use this opportunity to better myself and strengthen myself, but sometimes I feel so alone...like I'm by myself in the world. I have my thoughts to keep me company, but they are full of regrets, remorse, and true sadness. Sometimes I do much better than at other times, and it's disappointing when I get low again. I just honestly wish I could have another chance...knowing what I know now. I know I'm getting good advice here. I know I'll be fine, over time...but it's hard to imagine right now that the regrets and remorse and sadness won't always be with me...and that means continued negative emotions. I don't want that. I hope to God that I'll be strong, powerful, secure, assertive, and ambitious in the future...I'm willing to do the work...but I still need God's help. I want my foundation to be stronger and more genuine...your promise that this will happen (from your own experience, I'm sure) gives me something to look forward to. I need help to 'let go', I guess, of the bad decisions and mistakes that I've made that hurt those that I cared about the most. I am so sorry for the way that I was. Sometimes, these regrets, and this remorse and true sadness, eat me up...and I don't know how to deal with it.

[Astimegoeson]

Antlers,

The fact is, you are alone. This means you are responsible for your own care. That means you are responsible for your own happiness or your own unhappiness. That means the choice is yours. Don't let it sadden you, 'aloneness' can be very liberating if you approach it with a attitude of possibilities and opportunity as opposed to something to dread. Depends on you.

The regret and remorse ate me up to. I felt guilt for the breakup of my Family and my failure as a Husband. Even bigger guilt when I looked into the eyes of my confused S who was only 6 at the time. Guilt that I couldn't fix it so he'll have a Dad who would always be there under the same roof for him when he needed me.

There were a lot of things I could have done different to maybe save my M. 'MAYBE' is the key word here to. After a while I discovered it was true that concept applied to many aspects of my life, not just my M. Not so much regret, but just wish I had more foresight. It also occurred to me that I actually did some things that were good and decent. Things my ex pointed out to me much later after her anger subsided. I'm human and I'll continue to make mistakes. There were many things outside my control and there will continue to be many things outside my control.

Guilt is the Devil's domain. He thrives in it. It makes us feel less worthy, not salvageable and self-loathing. Incapable of receiving and accepting God's grace and forgiveness in our own minds. It keeps us bound and shackled.

Get ride of that guilt. There may be underlying issue with your W that you are not able to see and understand right now. Things you have absolutely no control over. It was so in my case, but wasn't reveled to me until much later. I'm sure many others on here could tell you the same thing in their situation. Don't let her anger towards you be the tell all. There are redeeming qualities about you. The fact you are looking at yourself and seeing room for improvement says allot.

BTW, as a Father, I'm better than I've every been and have a very close relationship with my two boys. I would venture to say it's an even closer bond now from this experience. You will never be 'alone' in that respect.

[Kenn]

Antlers wrote "I so much want to be strong, secure, powerful, assertive, and ambitious again."

You know what Antlers, your statment right here sums up all the feelings and thoughts I have right now. I have hit the 7 month point and it is wierd but the feelings of loss are not there anymore. Lots of struggles with the fact that this isn't where I wanted to be in my life at this point and that I have some rebuilding to do but no real feeling of loss.

But I am still not the person I once was and know I still have a lot of work to do. It's crazy. Just wanted to share with you that you have people that understand your feeling there and confindence that it will come back. It's funny ... if you get a chance check out my thread and look for the post by Astimegoeson.... page 5..... it helped a lot.

We went to a party last night and a get together with my neighbors on Friday... every day I feel my personality (my independent outgoing personallity) come back a little. 16 years of being devoted and putting family first changes you, being rejected by that person changes you, having all the blame projected on you changes you and dropping that rope and not worrying about that person who did all that really helps to get who you were back.

I am shooting for a mix. I want the carefree person back but I also enjoy being a dad and don't want to sacrifice the responsible father role model either. I think that is something my WAW did help me to understand... You can be a parent and still have a carefree fun.

I know you will get there too, and I hope you start to feel it soon?

[antlers]

Antlers,

The fact is, you are alone. This means you are responsible for your own care. That means you are responsible for your own happiness or your own unhappiness. That means the choice is yours. Don't let it sadden you, 'aloneness' can be very liberating if you approach it with a attitude of possibilities and opportunity as opposed to something to dread. Depends on you.

The regret and remorse ate me up to. I felt guilt for the breakup of my Family and my failure as a Husband. Even bigger guilt when I looked into the eyes of my confused S who was only 6 at the time. Guilt that I couldn't fix it so he'll have a Dad who would always be there under the same roof for him when he needed me.

There were a lot of things I could have done different to maybe save my M. 'MAYBE' is the key word here to. After a while I discovered it was true that concept applied to many aspects of my life, not just my M. Not so much regret, but just wish I had more foresight. It also occurred to me that I actually did some things that were good and decent. Things my ex pointed out to me much later after her anger subsided. I'm human and I'll continue to make mistakes. There were many things outside my control and there will continue to be many things outside my control.

Guilt is the Devil's domain. He thrives in it. It makes us feel less worthy, not salvageable and self-loathing. Incapable of receiving and accepting God's grace and forgiveness in our own minds. It keeps us bound and shackled.

Get ride of that guilt. There may be underlying issue with your W that you are not able to see and understand right now. Things you have absolutely no control over. It was so in my case, but wasn't reveled to me until much later. I'm sure many others on here could tell you the same thing in their situation. Don't let her anger towards you be the tell all. There are redeeming qualities about you. The fact you are looking at yourself and seeing room for improvement says allot.

BTW, as a Father, I'm better than I've every been and have a very close relationship with my two boys. I would venture to say it's an even closer bond now from this experience. You will never be 'alone' in that respect.

Hi Astimegoeson.

Yep, I'm alone. I don't like it. I'm not just lonely though, I miss her. This has been a long weekend. I've exercised, worked in my yard and on my house, and did some shopping today. I'm in limbo...I'm married but separated. And I mean big time separated. No contact at all. I can't date...I feel like I'm just waiting...to be served with divorce papers...or who knows what else! It sucks. That's where I'm at right now. Sometimes are better than other times...right now I'm kinda strugglin'. I am sad...I don't feel like it's very liberating. I'm pissed at myself for screwing up so bad. I want to be happy, but I'm lonely, especially for my family and her.

Yep, it eats me up too! I feel guilty for the breakup of my family and my failure as a husband too! My poor kids, although they are resilient, have definately been affected in a negative way. I hate it that we're not all under the same roof.

I could have prevented all the pain for all of us, had I just been compassionate! I know that. I did some good things too, but she has rewritten our marital history to suite her purposes. She has filtered out any good that was present, and only sees the bad...which there was too much of...and that's on me. I hope her hurt and anger subsides...period...no matter what.

I guess I'm getting pummeled by the devil then. Maybe I should look at it more spiritually. If he reminds me of my guilt, then I'll remind him of his future! I so much want to feel that I have received God's grace and forgiveness.

How do you get rid of the guilt? No, she was as good as it gets. It won't help me to deny the truth...and I took her for granted...and was eaten up with anger and resentment, which had nothing to do with her. I don't have any control now, that's for sure! Only me, and that's all. She is deservedly angry at me...she put up with more from me than any 20 women would have. She did love me. I know there are redeeming qualities about me, but from my perspective, they're hard to see often. I am looking at myself, and working on myself, and there is much room for improvement...and I intend to keep on doing it, regardless. But still, I deep down wish that I could have a chance knowing what I know now.

I'm still working on my relationships with my kids. They had a rough go too! I suck for being the way that I was for so long. I just hope God will forgive me, and help my kids, and help me to help my kids...and let them know...deep down...that I always loved them, and always will. I'm not where I thought I would be at 48 years old now! The last 6 months have just been awful. I want so much to be strong and powerful and secure and assertive and ambitious. I got my a$$ kicked over the last 6 months, and it was overwhelmingly my fault...I'm just having trouble coping with it, and trying to come to grips with the way things are as a result. I feel like I'm by myself in the world.

[antlers]

Antlers wrote "I so much want to be strong, secure, powerful, assertive, and ambitious again."

You know what Antlers, your statment right here sums up all the feelings and thoughts I have right now. I have hit the 7 month point and it is wierd but the feelings of loss are not there anymore. Lots of struggles with the fact that this isn't where I wanted to be in my life at this point and that I have some rebuilding to do but no real feeling of loss.

But I am still not the person I once was and know I still have a lot of work to do. It's crazy. Just wanted to share with you that you have people that understand your feeling there and confindence that it will come back. It's funny ... if you get a chance check out my thread and look for the post by Astimegoeson.... page 5..... it helped a lot.

We went to a party last night and a get together with my neighbors on Friday... every day I feel my personality (my independent outgoing personallity) come back a little. 16 years of being devoted and putting family first changes you, being rejected by that person changes you, having all the blame projected on you changes you and dropping that rope and not worrying about that person who did all that really helps to get who you were back.

I am shooting for a mix. I want the carefree person back but I also enjoy being a dad and don't want to sacrifice the responsible father role model either. I think that is something my WAW did help me to understand... You can be a parent and still have a carefree fun.

I know you will get there too, and I hope you start to feel it soon?

Hi Kenn.

I hear ya' man! She's been out of our home for over 3 months now, and although I'm not overwhelmed by it anymore (sometimes it's really hard though), the feelings of loss...and the cause of it...are still there. And it bothers me...a lot! I struggle with the same thing you mention, and I'm doing the work.

I'm about a million miles away from being the way that I used to be. I just don't know if I'll ever get another chance with her. It makes me sad to think about that.

After spending nearly 2 decades with somebody, and then being rejected by them, and knowing that it was overwhelmingly my fault...well, it causes lots of emotions and feelings...mostly pain, disillusionment, disappointment, guilt, remorse, regret, etc.. I want to drop the rope, and I'm working at it...I don't want to worry about her or think about her anymore...but I need God's help. I keep asking!

I want to be a better father than I've ever been, but my kids are pretty screwed up right now. I want to be much stronger and more powerful and secure...mentally, physically, and spiritually.

I hope so too Kenn, and I hope I start to feel it soon. I'm not into pity party's anymore...I'm just genuinely sad and remorseful.

[antlers]

I E-mailed this to my father-in-law...he has been staying in touch with me:

Hi. Is it futile for me to have the following attitude?


My affirmation:

I AM STANDING FOR THE HEALING OF MY MARRIAGE!...

I will not give up, give in, give out or give over 'til that healing takes
place. I made a vow, I said the words, I gave the pledge, I gave a ring, I took
a ring, I gave myself, I trusted GOD, and said the words, and meant the words...
in sickness and in health, in sorrow and in joy, for better or for worse, for
richer or for poorer, in good times and in bad...so I am standing NOW, and will
not sit down, let down, slow down, calm down, fall down, look down or be down
'til the breakdown is torn down!

I refuse to put my eyes on outward circumstances, or listen to prophets of
doom, or buy into what is trendy, worldly, popular, convenient, easy, quick,
thrifty, or advantageous... nor will I settle for a cheap imitation of God's
real thing, nor will I seek to lower God's standard, twist God's will,
rewrite God's word, violate God's covenant, or accept what God hates,
namely divorce!

In a world of filth, I will stay pure; surrounded by lies I will speak the
truth; where hopelessness abounds, I will hope in God: where revenge is easier,
I will bless instead of curse; and where the odds are stacked against me, I will
trust in God's faithfulness.

I am a STANDER, and I will not acquiesce, compromise, quarrel or quit.. I have
made the choice, set my face, entered the race, believed the Word, and trusted
God for all the outcome.

I will allow neither the reaction of my spouse, nor the urging of my friends,
nor the advice of my loved ones, nor economic hardship, nor the prompting of the
devil to make me let up, slow up, blow up, or give up 'til my marriage is
healed.


I pray to God that he helps her to heal. She has told me how she feels...and it
seems hopeless for me right now...but I still hang on to hope! It's hard to
do when you hear the stuff I've heard! Anyway, I'm gonna put forth more
effort now than ever before to LEAVE HER ALONE! We've had no contact at all
since the bad phone call on April 30th. I'm gonna try to be motivated by my
love for her, since this is what she needs and wants. I'm gonna try to
remember that it's selfish to communicate with her when she does not want
it! She knows how I feel, and she's told me how she feels. I've got to
turn her loose, and turn her over to God, and let Him deal with her...because
nothing else and nobody else at this point is gonna change her mind! I am scared
of what is gonna happen. But I've got to start living, and quit just
existing. I want to keep going, and have a happy life...one filled with
compassion on my part, because it was so lacking on my part before! I'm
sorry that we're having to go through this, I'm sorry I've hurt the
ones I love, and I hope that things will get better for us.

What should I do?



He sent me this:


I am praying about this letter and will respond this weekend. God bless.



And here was his response:


Hi. Is it futile for me to have the following attitude?

"I don't know that it is futile."

My affirmation:

I AM STANDING FOR THE HEALING OF MY MARRIAGE!...

I will not give up, give in, give out or give over 'til that healing takes
place. I made a vow, I said the words, I gave the pledge, I gave a ring, I took
a ring, I gave myself, I trusted GOD, and said the words, and meant the words...
in sickness and in health, in sorrow and in joy, for better or for worse, for
richer or for poorer, in good times and in bad...so I am standing NOW, and will
not sit down, let down, slow down, calm down, fall down, look down or be down
'til the breakdown is torn down!

"I sense the urgency and desire for reconciliation. You have recounted events and your desire to keep your pledge."

I refuse to put my eyes on outward circumstances, or listen to prophets of
doom, or buy into what is trendy, worldly, popular, convenient, easy, quick,
thrifty, or advantageous... nor will I settle for a cheap imitation of God's
real thing, nor will I seek to lower God's standard, twist God's will,
rewrite God's word, violate God's covenant, or accept what God hates,
namely divorce!

"I see your desire not to accept what has occurred and your willingness to restore your marriage."

In a world of filth, I will stay pure; surrounded by lies I will speak the
truth; where hopelessness abounds, I will hope in God: where revenge is easier,
I will bless instead of curse; and where the odds are stacked against me, I will
trust in God's faithfulness.
"That is the right choice, irregardless of the outcome of this situation."

I am a STANDER, and I will not acquiesce, compromise, quarrel or quit.. I have
made the choice, set my face, entered the race, believed the Word, and trusted
God for all the outcome.

"Just remember, as humans we all have free will to choose which path we will follow and if amends are possible."

I will allow neither the reaction of my spouse, nor the urging of my friends,
nor the advice of my loved ones, nor economic hardship, nor the prompting of the
devil to make me let up, slow up, blow up, or give up 'til my marriage is
healed.

"you are choosing to to continue to hope and pray for restoration."

I pray to God that he helps her to heal. She has told me how she feels...and it
seems hopeless for me right now...but I still hang on to hope! It's hard to
do when you hear the stuff I've heard! Anyway, I'm gonna put forth more
effort now than ever before to LEAVE HER ALONE! We've had no contact at all
since the bad phone call on April 30th. I'm gonna try to be motivated by my
love for her, since this is what she needs and wants. I'm gonna try to
remember that it's selfish to communicate with her when she does not want
it! She knows how I feel, and she's told me how she feels. I've got to
turn her loose, and turn her over to God, and let Him deal with her...because
nothing else and nobody else at this point is gonna change her mind! I am scared
of what is gonna happen. But I've got to start living, and quit just
existing. I want to keep going, and have a happy life...one filled with
compassion on my part, because it was so lacking on my part before! I'm
sorry that we're having to go through this, I'm sorry I've hurt the
ones I love, and I hope that things will get better for us.

"I am unaware of what happened on the phone call but I urge you to quit trying to leave her alone and just do it. As you mentioned, let go and turn her loose. I understand you are scared as you do not know the outcome, nor do I. After 15 years of hurt that she has been thru, it is unrealistic for you or anyone to expect reconcilation in a few months."
What should I do father-in-law?
"I know of couples that have been separated for over a year, also couples that have ended in divorce and after a healing process, have re-married. As we discussed over the phone, you should not tell her you need to talk to her. You should not force the issue. You should not ask the kids any questions about her.
You should only show kindness and put no pressure at all on the
situation. I know it hurts and you would rather do it another way, but there is no other way. It may take years for reconciliation. You have a responsibility to be the best father you can to your daughter and son, and never say anything negative about their mother. Never pit her against you in anything including finances, privilages, and disciplinary actions if needed.
Regardless, it is 6 and 7 years until daughter and son are no longer minors and there will have to be pleasent interaction at all times when dealing with them. I continue to pray for you all. You simply need to no longer initiate conversation with her unless she initiates it with you, no matter how you feel and want to. Simply write a one or two sentence to her reconfirming your sorry for all you have done to her and the kids, ask for forgiveness, tell her your continued desire for reconciliation and that you will NO LONGER INITIATE COMMUNICATION WITH
HER AND WILL WAIT UNTIL SHE WANTS TO SEE YOU AND THEN DON'T CALL HER WHETHER IT IS ONE WEEK OR ONE YEAR FROM NOW.
It will be hard and sometimes not seem fair, but if there is any hope of reconciliation, it can not be preceived by her that you are pressuring her or trying to control her. Never tell her you need to talk. If and when she desires to talk to you, she will initiate it. Don't discuss her or very seldom even mention her name around daughter, son or daughter. At this point, I believe she knows how you feel and it will be up to her to initiate and restore your relationship
God bless and I love you and will continue to pray. In the mean time, continue to work on the only person you have any chance at all to control and that is yourself."


Those are the responses that I received from him. Sorry for the long post, but I didn't know how else to do it. He is basically saying the same things that others have been saying here all along. This is hard stuff for sure.

I would appreciate feedback and thoughts on this. Thank you.

I haven't responded to him since he sent his response to my E-mail. I feel like I need to. I don't really know what to say yet, and I would appreciate some help from you folks. Could you help me come up with a response to him?

[antlers]

Anybody?

[confusedinpa]

Anybody?

You are right - he has said the same thing that people here have been saying in many of the threads (your's and mine). I would respond by saying "Thank you for your insight and support. It means more to me than you can imagine. It helps to know that there are people who can support and give me strength during this difficult time" and leave it at that. Of course put it in your own words.....

Best of luck