You're not back to square one. There's no one thing that you can say or do that is going to completely ruin the situation...so don't worry about that. Just resolve to not make those mistakes anymore.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
I have had a terrible day and I think I have wrecked any chance of a reconcilliation in the future.
My W came and dropped the children off for tea, she wasn't wearing her wedding rings. I asked her in for a cup of tea and she accepted which I thought was progress. She looked great and I don't know why but I asked her if she was happy with the progress of the divorce. She answered "definately", I then asked her if she felt she had made the right decision. Again she answered "oh yes I have. I have not missed you since you have been away, and I am looking forward to re-building my life.....". I felt devastated at this and started to feel sick and giddy. I also felt quite angry.
I am due to move back to the family home in June when my W and the children move to her parents house while they on a long holiday. My W asked me to vacate the house on October 5th when they return, but I would still be paying the mortgage on the property until the end of November. I stated I would NOT be leaving the house until the end of November. She has threatened me legally and also used the children again, saying I am selfish and not looking after their needs. I feel as she has no intention of reconcilling I thought I don't care what she thinks anymore.
She stormed out and said she would be back at 8.00pm. My daughter then rang her to ask her something, she was not at the family home, I then spoke to her and for the second time today I said "where are you, at your boyfriends house"? She refused to tell me where she was even though she does not have to, but I am mad at myself and her.
She said if you really want to know what I have been doing - she then told me she had been to London with her toxic friend to a night club recently, stayed over at a hotel etc etc. She then said she was going to another club this Friday, which is nothing to do with me but it is like she is punishing me, and I am punishing myself for asking.
When she arrived to pick up the children, she told me was sick of me prying into her business (twice today alone), accusing her of having a boyfriend which she denied and general smothering her. She said she was happy to come in for a cup of tea earlier, but I had completely ruined it by my accusations. She is now not bringing the children over on Thursday as she does not want more interrogation.
I have completely blown any chance (if I had to start with) of re-establishing a relationship with my stupid actions and words. Any small progress I might have made has been completely blown away. I completely lost my cool because I saw her and I wanted to just hold her but I do not think I ever will again.
I apologised today in a voicemail to her, she TEXTED back saying 'Thanks, and then went on to ask me what my solicitors name was so that she could sort out a Deed of Settlement for next week.
I personally thought under the circumstances that last bit could have waited, but she obviously wants to just get on with it.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
Mark, I backtracked too in the first few months. We all do. NOBODY is perfect.
The main question, though, is what did you learn from this? What triggered your question? Can you stop the trigger? Can you make sure you do smtg happy before she comes around?
How do you not provoke questions you don't want answers to.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
It's no good kicking yourself for things that you did wrong in the past. It's an ego exercise. The key is to put it to good use and learn something from it. That way, we can grow and become better versions of ourselves.
Patience, reflection, wisdom.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
This is not a sprint. It's a marathon. Just because you are not crossing the finish line now doesn't mean you never will. Keep running.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
I know what the trigger was - My W turned up and she loooked absolutely lovely. She was not dressed up but her hair was nice, she had a summery dress on and lovely jewellery. I, for some reason lost a bit of control, this was after her agreeing to come in for a cup of tea, which might not sound like much but was a very small positive. She started talking about whether she was going to go to a local night club, and for some reason I had this vision of men pawing all over her etc. I don't know whether she was trying to deliberately agitate me, but if she was it worked, or she is so detached now, she feels she can talk to me like it doesn't matter anymore, or she felt comfortable enough to talk to me like a friend.
For some reason this annoyed me and from that point, unfortunately, the conversation deteiorated into an argument, and her saying she would not come into the house again. During this exchange she also said other than me, she did not know anybody that was out of work. I was annoyed at this remark as it was hurtful and uncalled for.
She has not spoken or texted me today which is unusual for her. I did apologise for TWICE asking her if she had a boyfriend, which again I do not know why I asked, I sort of lost my mind I think. She thanked me for apologising in a text and then asked me for my lawyers name so that the deed of Settlement could be sent to me.
I felt this request could have waited for a day or so, just accept my apology and say no more.
Julia, I hope your week has gone well. I have been very up and down, and as you might read I have backslid a bit due to me seeing my wife looking lovely and me losing my cool some what. I hope I have not done too much damage but she has not spoken or texted me today. She refused to tell me where she was when she rang yesterday to pick up the children, again a major backslid as she said we had agreed not to ask where and what we are doing.
I pray I have not done too much damage. I am just going to let the dust settle, but I am finding it hard at the moment as when I see her I just seem to go to pieces.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
I pray I have not done too much damage. I am just going to let the dust settle, but I am finding it hard at the moment as when I see her I just seem to go to pieces.
So make it your goal the next time she sees you then you will make her go to pieces. In a good way of course.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
