Is my H in MLC

[Dawn of Hope]

I second everything Peace said.

Except for your H being a few years younger, and there being no obvious OW in your case at present, your stats are similar to mine from a year or so ago...similar ages, lengths of M and being together, no kids...

My H, who was one of the sweetest and most patient and tolerant and loving people I knew, for the first 15 years or so that we were together, started showing signs of MLC at least 8 years ago (when he had his first EA), although I didn't recognize them as such until much more recently. He didn't move out for over a year (13 months) after the bomb, all during which he was openly carrying on with OW. He kept doing more and more hurtful things, which I think was because he subconsciously wanted me to kick him out or kill myself (I have a long history of suicidal depression), so he could tell himself that the implosion of our M wasn't his fault because I was the one who ended things (I called his bluff, and didn't do either of those things despite all of his provocation, so he had to make the decision to leave on his own). He lied constantly, spent $500/month on OW while complaining loudly about our financial problems, stopped touching me in any way on purpose (even though we were sleeping in the same bed...on opposite sides of it), spent all of his waking hours (when at home) in the basement talking to OW (minimum 2 hours a day, every single day, except when he was actually with her in person)...all while being coolly polite to me. I came to see that he treated me like a relative that he was obligated to be polite to even though he didn't like me at all.

I tell you all this not to make you feel sorry for me but to show you just what happens to these MLCers. I have not had any hint of restoration of my M to date, but I've been at this long enough (and been on these boards and seen other people's varied sitches long enough) that I at least have some idea of what you can do to avoid making things worse (you CANNOT make him better if he is in MLC--all you can do is avoid making him worse).

--Do NOT confront him or criticize him about anything unless it is a life-or-death issue.

--Do NOT talk to him about MLC; most MLCers don't believe in it and will just get mad if you try to tell them that's what's happening.

--Do NOT bring up R/M or question him about it if he brings it up.

--Do NOT try to defend or make excuses for yourself or anything you have done or any criticism he may have of you, no matter how ridiculous. This sort of thing will fall on deaf ears, or if not deaf, increasingly angry.

--Do NOT try to get him to go to counseling or M seminars, read books on M or MLC, or basically do anything to put pressure on him to fix himself or the M. Leave him strictly alone in this regard, or I can guarantee that it will backfire on you eventually. Oh, and do NOT let him (or anyone) find out about this place anytime soon, because it may strip you of a major support system if he (or anyone else you know) is able to find you on here.

--Do NOT ask anyone else to talk to him about any of the above, for the same reason that you shouldn't do so either--he has to work through the confusion and mess in his head entirely on his own. Nobody else can do a &*(@#$%^ thing to help him progress faster, and criticism will just make him more stuck and stubborn and prolong the process.

--Coordinating with the previous item, do NOT share details of what he's doing with the whole world. Try to keep the details to yourself except on these boards, with professionals (therapist, minister, DB coach), and maybe with one trustworthy friend. It can be tempting to bad-mouth him to other people and get lots of support, but keep in mind that 1) What you said will probably get back to him eventually; 2) What you tell the other person may be impossible for them to forgive your H for in case you reconcile, which would be awkward at the very least; and 3) The more other people know about the sitch, the harder it is for him to get past the embarrassment and try reconciliation with you--it makes it easier for him to give up and walk away permanently.

--Do NOT fall into the trap of making the same mistakes he is making. Just because he is _____ (lying, cheating, yelling, baiting you, being manipulative, spending every dime, or whatever) does not make it okay for you to do it too. Don't sink to his level. Hold your head up and live with integrity.

--Do NOT try to solve his problems. He may be acting like a teenager, but he is a grown man and it will not help your R for you to swoop in and try to save him, like SuperMommy or something. Be nice, be kind...but wait for him to ask for help or advice, and be prepared to wait for a long time.

*****Now that you know what NOT to do, what should you do instead?

--Detach from his drama (this takes a LOT of practice and time, but work on it).

--GAL (get a life). Rediscover the parts of you that you liked which went missing along the way. Consider this whole horrible experience to be a major incentive for making yourself into a better person...not for him, but for YOU (I know it's hard, but it is really important, because if you don't make the changes for YOU, they won't stick, and you will be worse off, I can promise you). We all know how hard this is at first, but work on finding healthy ways to make yourself feel good and boost your self-esteem REGARDLESS of what he's doing.

--Work on fixing the things he has complained about that are within your control; apologize IF (and only if) you believe he has a legitimate complaint. Fix what you can; let go of the rest. Forgive yourself and make it better, to whatever extent you can.

--When he talks, listen and validate, saying as little as possible. Be calm. Keep it as positive as you can without turning into Pollyanna or being dishonest. If you can't be positive, say nothing. Be polite and courteous--remember that even if he does seem like he's grown a second head with an ugly disposition, he is still the person you vowed to love and honor for the rest of your life. We _know_ it isn't fair, considering what he's doing to you, but do it for your own integrity and self-respect.

--If you can't listen to him any more without blowing up, politely call for a break and walk away to cool down.

--Dovetailing with the previous item, learn and practice these phrases:
"I'm sorry you feel that way."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"It sounds like you have a challenging problem there."

--Work HARD on being as fun and pleasant as possible when he is around you. Yeah, we know, this seems almost impossible at the moment...but it can be done.

--Find a therapist if possible, preferably a pro-marriage solution-based one.

--Talk to your doctor about antidepressants if you need a little extra help for a while. A lot of people do, and there is nothing wrong with that.

--Take care of your physical and mental health: exercise, eat right, learn stress-reduction practices such as yoga. Try not to go on the "MLC diet" (I lost 22 pounds in 6 weeks myself, and I started off as a size six, so I didn't exactly have it to spare!). Be very kind to yourself, as long as it doesn't turn into overindulgence.

--Get as many sessions with a DB coach as you can afford. They are worth their weight in gold for those in situations like ours. (I know this is the DB board so is moderated by those biased in their favor, but I've never heard anyone say a single bad thing about DB coaching, whether on or off the DB boards, and I can vouch for it from personal experience with DB coach Jody.)

--Strap in and prepare for a loooooooooooong and bumpy ride (it invariably takes years, as you said)...but remember that you only have to live it one day at a time, or even one hour or one minute if necessary.

I know this is a lot to take in, but it really does help. Take care of yourself.

Peace and blessings,
Dawn