It sounds like an affair to me, given all you have said, and no I do not buy that someone goes to a mans house until 11pm for work advice, nor do I think going to his house to play wii and watch tv is a very strong indication of a "professional" relationship.

It might drive you insane that she wont admit the truth but to do so would have serious ramifications for her if she wanted to have a new R with this man wouldnt it.

have you told any of these concerns to her family, if not why not..

and have you actually thought about calmly simply asking this man outright

I say this to you for the following reasons: anyone HAVING an affair doesnt really deserve for it not to come out one way or another, and if they choose to start a R while married then they are going to have to live with that...

and also, if your that desperate for the "answer" you might find that man is all to happy to furnish you with it. Before you ask him tho remember this: do it calmly. AND: decide if you can accept the truth from him if its ugly without going off like a fire cracker, which would solve nothing.

A lot of people would tell you those things are confrontational but in my experience an affair DOES need to be confronted head on in the early days if you want any hope whatsoever of stopping it from progressing.

Asking the man outright is going to cause two things: shes gonna be angry at you but heres the important thing for you: its going to make it dreadfully awkward for her isnt it. Dont you think it might be about time she felt awkward? let her explain away her unfeeling unloving husband to the OM once you've asked him about an affair bc it matters to you to know; and lets just see how comfortable the OM is in that sitation. hes a human being, and even if he loves your wife he may very well be a man who doesnt like the unsavoury turn this has taken.... all to your advantage

as for accusations of spying, since when is it a bad thing or a silly thing to start spying on a spouse that is potentially cheating on you? um thats just normal so getting outraged about it is her beef, no one else would blame you and i bet she'd do the same in your shoes. so yanno, kettle... pot... black

I do not think you are a FOOL to love your wife and wish for some hope, why would you be a fool for being a loving human being?? your not weak, your just a man in love who is trying to fight for his marriage, this isnt something for you to feel 'foolish' about.

we already know shes having the emotional affair now dont we, thats so obvious so all your after is confirmation is it physical... you have a right to find that answer and seek it out, for your own peace of mind, so dont feel like a rat - your her HUSBAND. also it could affect the divorce sorry to get practical, but yea you do have a right to know what caused it

I would definitely go about finding your answers and not feel a bit guilty about it, but I do think going honestly to the source is better off than skulking about at nights or stuff like that, thats just going to do your head in. just ASK him. if he says no straight away, and it seems a lie, just remain calm and say something like "i am not out to kill you or go after you, id just appreciate knowing whats going on here, I hope your MAN enough to tell me the truth, I hope you never find yourself in M situation". and let him chew on that. if he still insists on no, then say "ok fine well at the very least its inappropriate isnt it, what does your WORKPLACE THINK OF THIS".

frankly its not right and mostly not looked lightly upon for anyone in a "mentor" role to be having it off with a junior collegue and if you dont want to address that your NUTS. its a big deal. yes I would consider at least TELLING him and your wife your seriously considering reporting the matter to the company concerned. its not very professional.

good luck in all you do.

When you're down to nothing, God is up to something.